


Inferno

by liveyourtemptation



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: AU, Body Horror, Dreams and Nightmares, Horror, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Suicide Attempt, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-31
Updated: 2017-04-19
Packaged: 2018-09-13 16:39:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 33
Words: 68,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9132550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liveyourtemptation/pseuds/liveyourtemptation
Summary: , "all hope abandon, ye who enter here." A story about Cisco. A story about Harrison. A story about dreams.





	1. Prologue

„You should meet Dr. Ramon. He is one of the most exceptional in his field.“

 

Cisco has not changed much over the years. Maybe he is a little less round, his features a bit sharper, more distinct, maybe he stands straighter, more confidence in the way he carries himself. But Harrison recognizes him instantly. Not only because he has been thinking about him almost daily for the past ten years. And Cisco recognizes him, too, but maybe that is not as surprising. Not with who Harrison has become. Ten years are a long time and somehow not at all. It is like being back in that hallway in university where they first met. Back then Harrison had been a professor and Cisco a graduate student and none of them had foreseen what would follow.

 

“I see you kept your promise,” Harrison says.

 

Cisco's eyes glimmer in spite of the electric lights overhead. He cocks his head to the side and looks Harrison up and down. Harrison shifts under the suspecting gaze. It is so much more steady, so much more intense than he remembers.

 

“Of course,” Cisco says, and Harrison thinks, oh god. He had forgotten how Cisco sounds.

 

“I take it you two know each other,” the person that introduced them says.

 

“A lifetime ago,” Cisco says without taking his eyes of Harrison. And Harrison wants to find out where the roughness in Cisco's voice comes from, what depths are hiding beneath these words.

 

“Drinks?” Harrison asks.

 

“Please,” Cisco says. “Anything to escape this awful conference.”

 

* * *

 

 They are in the bar of the hotel. Cisco has shrugged out of the jacket of his suit and hung it over the chair. They are drinking whiskey, neat, and Harrison has to keep his eyes from drifting down over Cisco's body that looks bigger, older and wonder what he looks like under that dress shirt.

 

“Your hair is shorter,” Harrison says and almost reaches over to take one strand into his hand. Cisco's hair used to spill over his shoulders in an unruly mess or kept in place by hair ties that had the tendency to disappear between Harrison's sofa pillows.

 

Cisco runs his fingers through his hair and pushes it behind his ears.

 

“Caitlin said it looks more professional.”

 

“So that's something you worry about nowadays?”

 

“One can't always stay young and idealistic. I'm CEO of my own company now. Including responsibilities and all that crap.”

 

“And Caitlin? She's your-?”

 

“Coworker and best friend,” Cisco says and downs his whiskey.

 

How do you cross ten years, Harrison wonders. Cisco turns to him and smiles for the first time this evening. It is more intoxicating than the alcohol. Harrison takes his glasses off and it feels instantly less like staring into the sun. He thinks that maybe Cisco is doing this to taunt him, to get back at him. Even though it had been Cisco who left. Harrison is the one who should be angry. But it is hard to hold a grudge for ten years.

 

“Is it coincidence that we met today?” Harrison asks.

 

“Well, I don't believe in destiny, as you know,” Cisco says. “Chance is so much more exciting.”

 

He bumps his knee against Harrison's under the bar. Harrison finishes his drink and gets up.

 

“Are you gonna invite me to your room?” Cisco asks innocently and Harrison is not sure if Cisco's mocking is ill-spirited or not.

 

“Judging by the way you have been looking at me the whole time,” Harrison says. “You'll follow me if I invite you or not.”

 

* * *

 

 Harrison does not know how much time has passed, how much time it has taken him to relearn the shape of Cisco's body, the curves and angles, the way he tastes and sounds, and he is far from done. He kisses the inside of Cisco's thigh and whispers,

 

_I missed you._

 

It is quiet enough for Cisco to miss it but Harrison can tell by the way Cisco inhales sharply that he has not.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wachted Nocturnal Animals recently and have been reading the Divine Comedy - as you do - so this happened. More to follow soon. Cisco is a couple of years older here than in the show.


	2. Chapter 2

Cisco wakes up before Harry does and he thanks the gods and quietly slips out of the room. He is so not ready to have this particular morning after chat. He gets into his room, takes a shower, packs and leaves. This conference has been a train wreck from the beginning and he is glad that he chose the last evening to bang his former professor slash lover. Now he can flee back into his lab or how he likes to call it: strategic retreat.

 

In the elevator he crosses his fingers that he won't bump into Harry in the lobby because that would be even more awkward. But today lucks seems to be on his side. He checks out and gets into one of the taxis outside.

 

He has to spent some time at the airport because he arrived early. He sits in a lounge and tries to read a newspaper but his mind keeps wandering back to the last night. He can still taste Harry in his mouth and it drives him insane. He ponders if it is too early to order alcohol.

 

Back when Cisco still had been a broke student messing around with his genius but not yet millionaire professor they used to spent whole days just in Harry's bed. Cisco had thought it was love, the way Harry looked at him and how that made him feel. Maybe it had been. It was a long time ago.

 

* * *

 

He goes straight to the office and doesn't bother to go home first. Patty from security smiles at him in the reception and he waves back. A level lower he runs into Caitlin who grabs him by the arm to take a look at him.

 

“You look good,” She says. “How was the conference?”

 

“Terrible,” Cisco answers. “Meet me for lunch? I'll tell you the juicy details.”

 

“Can't wait,” She says with a wide smile. She is about to go on but turns around again. “Oh, there is a guy waiting for you in your office. Rathaway, or something.”

 

Cisco closes his eyes and sighs. What the actual fuck?

 

“You know him?” Caitlin asks.

 

“Yeah, but I haven't seen him- since university actually.”

 

* * *

 

Hartley still looks like a smug fucker but Cisco notes disturbingly pleased that his suit looks worn and ill-fitting.

 

“Good to see you, Cisco.”

 

“What do you want, Hartley?” Cisco sits down behind his desk and leaves Hartley standing. He starts going through his mail.

 

“That's how you greet an old friend?” Hartley says slightly indignant.

 

“We were never friends,” Cisco says and opens a letter. “Is your memory already that bad?”

 

Hartley crosses his arms and levels a look at Cisco.

 

“Alright, I got an unique investment opportunity for you.”

 

* * *

 

Cisco's company still isn't big enough to have its own cafeteria but Cisco doesn't mind. They're right in downtown Central City and there are enough places to get lunch in walking distance. Caitlin and he decide for a small Chinese place that just opened up over the street.

 

“So, tell me,” Caitlin says after they have ordered.

 

“Would you believe me that in the last twenty-four hours I met the two people that had the biggest influence on my life apart from my elementary school teacher?”

 

“Why do you look like that is not a good thing?”

 

“Because it isn't,” Cisco replies gravely.

 

“Rathaway?” Caitlin guesses.

 

“Yes,” Cisco answers. “We were rivals, I guess. We wrote our dissertation at the same time. Luckily not about the same topic or there would have been a body count. Everyone hated Hartley but he strives in that kind of environment. I think he needed it.”

 

“That's like the complete opposite of you.”

 

“There was a lot of friction,” Cisco summarizes the year he and Hartley had spent antagonizing each other.

 

“So what did he want from you today?” Caitlin asks while their food arrives.

 

“He asked me to fund one of his studies. I've got the money now, and it's – as usual- so crazy that no one else will support him. And apparently he _'values my opinion'_.” Cisco snorts.

 

“And you're gonna do it?”

 

“One thing I learned is that you shouldn't underestimate Hartley Rathaway. I don't know. I have to think about it.”

 

“And the second person?” Caitlin asks and smirks. “I feel like that's gonna be the really interesting part of lunch.”

 

“Uh.” Cisco hides his face in his noodle soup and he doesn't know if he is blushing or if it is the heat of the steaming soup on his face. “Yeah, I met him at the conference. He was my professor.”

 

“You used to bang your professor?” Caitlin asks delighted.

 

“How do you know?” Cisco says defeated.

 

She waves at his general state. Then she furrows her brows. “Wait a second. Tonight? You didn't- No, you did. Oh my god.”

 

“He invited me to his room,” Cisco tries to excuse himself.

 

“You're amazing, Cisco. Good on you,” Caitlin says. “Who is it? Do I know him?”

 

“It's- Harrison Wells,” Cisco mumbles into the table cloth.

 

Caitlin drops her chopsticks. Now Cisco is definitely blushing.

 

“Dr. Harrison Wells? The guy that owns STAR Labs? Who is nominated for a Nobel Prize? Used to be your professor?”

 

“Interesting how you choose to concentrate on that fact, but yes, he used to teach at Central University,” Cisco says.

 

“You slept with Dr. Harrison Wells last night?” Caitlin is whispering now, her eyes getting wider and wider.

 

“Yes,” Cisco says and takes a big gulp of his water. Always good when your friends calm you down.

 

“You never told me you know him,” Caitlin says accusatory. “You know he's, like, my idol.”

 

“Yeah, I know. That's why I didn't want to explain _how_ we know each other,” Cisco says.

 

“Fair point,” Caitlin says. “What are you going to do now?”

 

“Uh, we're going into beta testing on the new prototype so I'm gonna check on that after lunch,” Cisco says.

 

“Are you kidding me?” Caitlin says. “You can't let that fish out of your net. Think about it, Cisco. Nobel prize. Fame. Money. Maybe it will rub off onto you. And then onto me.”

 

“Is this your subtle way of telling me that you want a pay raise?”

 

“Always, but no.” Caitlin furrows her brows. “So you're done with him?”

 

“Have been since ten years,” Cisco says and he almost believes himself. “Honestly with all that history it would get too complicated.”

 

* * *

 

Cisco doesn't get any work done for the rest of the day. He stares at his emails or aimlessly wanders through the corridors of Ramon Enterprises. He spends an hour talking to Felicity from IT and tries not to notice how she has hacked into every one of his inventions. Felicity seems friendly and bored and not evil so he lets her. That's the risk you take when you want to work with the best.

 

After three pm he goes down to the labs and lets his engineers explain to him what they have done in his absence but he only listens with half an ear. His mind drifts back to the beginning of his last year at university. He had actually changed to Central University to finish his dissertation to be closer to his family after his grandmother had died.

 

He wasn't in the habit of actually going to classes, most of it far below him, already learned years ago. But he had been bored on a Thursday and hit a wall with his dissertation and he still had to pick a tutor for it so he decided to go to his Applied Physics class. He was late, voluntarily so, to not have to mingle with the masses of students in the hallways and just wanted to enter the classroom as someone else wanted to do the same.

 

That was the first time he met Dr. Harrison Wells: hot coffee spilled over both of them and they instantly hated each other because they recognized that they were too much alike after that first spiteful eye contact and the mumbled apologies. Cisco thought about turning around and going home but that would have felt like loosing, he didn't even know what game yet and that it would accompany them for the whole way.

 

Dr. Wells, as it was back then, let him in first and Cisco took a seat in the back. Dr. Wells put his now half-empty coffee mug on his desk and then proceeded to bore his students to death except for Cisco who would come back every week for the next year, again and again, until two semesters later Cisco graduated and disappeared out of Harrison's life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i updated the tags so you know what you'll get yourself into in the following chapters. this story is not called inferno for fun. i have a vague outline for the whole thing so hopefully i will finish it soon-ish. but i already have a feeling that this will be a long one.


	3. Chapter 3

Of course Cisco is already gone when Harrison wakes up. It still stings even though he expected it. He burrows his face in the pillow where Cisco had slept, and feels pathetic. He rolls over to check his phone. Three missed calls and too many emails to count before the first coffee. He should get up and get back to Central City. Work does not wait for your heartache.

 

On the plane he falls asleep again and he dreams vaguely about Jesse and her mother. He wakes up again when the plane touches ground and he knows the face of loneliness, knows its shape and contours. It is something stuck in his chest, something that makes it hard to breathe, it feels like being suspended midair.

 

He gets home and makes coffee, the kind that is black and strong and that Cisco had scoffed at because _it's not healthy, Harry_ just to drink half of Harrison's cup anyway. Harrison answers calls and emails and drinks a second cup of coffee. The day passes like that.

 

* * *

 

The next day Rathaway is standing in Harrison's office with a wide grin and eyes sparkling behind his glasses.

 

“What do you got?” Harrison asks and Rathaway does not disappoint, he never does.

 

“I feel like all my studies have just been leading up to this,” Rathaway explains while he floods Harrison's desk with charts and pictures and graphs. “I'm onto something big, Dr. Wells. This could change everything, how we see life, how we see ourselves.”

 

Harrison looks at the machine and a shiver runs down his spine. “And this will be tested on human subjects?”

 

“No other way,” Rathaway says and shrugs. “There are no animals with the gene and we wouldn't get them to tell us about the results anyway. I've already got a few candidates who I think would be perfect for the first set of trials. We'd have to pay them of course.”

 

“And that's where I come in,” Harrison guesses.

 

“Well, I do hope to get your input, too, not just your money,” Rathaway says. Harrison has always valued his honesty. “And besides, I'll get more investors when we have the first results. I just need someone to believe in this and kick it off the ground. We could change the world together, Dr. Wells.”

 

“It's interesting,” Harrison says cautiously. “Let me think about it.”

 

“Always the same answers,” Rathaway sighs. “You know, he told me same thing yesterday.”

 

“Who?” Harrison asks.

 

* * *

 

He has Skype dinner with Jesse later that week. She eats something that looks extremely elaborate on the screen but she says took her no time at all. He ordered in. She never chides him for his food choices because she feels it is not her job - being the daughter and everything. How she grew up to be so conscious of her eating habits is a mystery to Harrison but he is kind of happy about it. He even endures her half hour discourses about nutrition because he recognizes the enthusiasm. Though the one time he told her she reminded him of her mother she almost slapped him.

 

She tells him about college and he tells her about work and then they discuss some mathematical theorem that came up in one of Jesse's classes because that is what passes as interesting conversation between them. _You're both so nerdy_ , Harrison hears a voice in the back of his mind and he knows all too well who that voice belongs to.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Now let us to the blind world there beneath  
> Descend-”

Cisco passes Caitlin on his way to his office.

 

“Are you going to that investor meeting thing for your new pet project today?” She asks.

 

“No way,” Cisco says and laughs loudly. “I'll send a delegation. Hartley can kiss my ass.”

 

He enters his office and falls down in his chair just as his phone rings. It's Hartley. Even worse: Happy Hartley.

 

“So, I've secured more funding just in time. We can even have the presentation for the potential investors in STAR Labs. It's going to be-”

 

“Wait a second,” Cisco interrupts him and stops spinning in his chair. “Did you just say STAR Labs?”

 

“Yeah, didn't I tell you?” Hartley says as if breathing is easy. “Dr. Wells is more than happy to support the plans of his former students. Especially when they look so promising, he said.” The pride is dripping from Hartley's voice. “You'll be there, right?”

 

Cisco rushes out of his office. He'll need to change clothes he thinks absently.

 

“Caitlin!” He yells through the corridor while he waves his assistant closer. Caitlin pops her head out of her office.

 

“The investor thing is at STAR Labs and I need you to come with me.” He says to her and then turns to his assistant. “Please tell me I've still got some of my nice suits here somewhere.”

 

* * *

 

They're in an elevator in STAR Labs and Cisco is so nervous he thinks he's going to throw up. He had settle with the idea of not seeing Harry again in the near future. Or like never. Now he is seconds away of having to pretend there never was anything between them, that there is nothing between them. He turns to Caitlin who looks just as nervous as him but probably for different reasons.

 

“Caitlin, I'll owe you one,” Cisco says. “But I need you to do something for me.”

 

“Of course,” Caitlin says and adjust her dress.

 

“I need you to play the obnoxious fan and not let me be alone with him for even a second.”

 

“Are you afraid you'll tear his clothes off in front of the investors?” Caitlin deadpans.

 

Cisco leans back dropping his head against the cool elevator wall and lets out a sigh so deep it might be coming from his bones. Caitlin steps in front of him and pulls his tie tighter with a heartwarming smile.

 

“Game face on, Ramon,” She says as the elevator comes to a stop.

 

They walk out in an already crowded room. Hartley spots him instantly of course and waves him over. Over to where Harry is standing. Cisco feels like he is thrown back onto campus, he feels so much younger suddenly, like the person he has become in the meantime just disappeared. They shake hands and Cisco tries not to make eye contact.

 

“This is Dr. Caitlin Snow, head of my bio-engineering staff and genius in her own right,” Cisco introduces Caitlin and the way she gushes as she shakes Harry's hand is probably not even acting.

 

Cisco watches Harry from the side as he smiles politely at Caitlin and notes, again, all the ways he has changed and all the ways he hasn't. Hartley talks at Cisco and he turns to him to at least pretend that he is listening.

 

Through Harry's support they've got Central City's wealthiest people in a room and Hartley burst from pride that his project is finally taking of. Time has been less kind to him than to Cisco, but not all of Hartley's failure can be chalked up to bad luck, mostly it's probably because he specializes in shit that is weird as fuck. Always terrible interesting but with no practical use in the real world. But this time it's different. It's still weird as fuck but if – and Cisco still is not sure that it is more than an if – they prove his theory is right it will change the world.

 

They settle into their seats for Hartley's presentation. Caitlin isn't fast enough to get the chair next to Cisco before Harry sits in it. She shrugs apologetic and takes the next chair. Cisco feels Harry watching him and he throws him a tight smile. Harry brushes his fingers over Cisco forearm almost accidentally and Cisco shivers, thoughts traveling back to the hotel room, memories still fresh enough to remember exactly how Harry had sounded, raw and vulnerable under Cisco's hands. He asks himself if punching Harry in the face right now would look bad in front of the investors. Maybe he could kick his shin discreetly.

 

And at the same time he feels so hopelessly, desperately happy to have Harry back, to be able to have these thoughts about kicking him. Missing Harry had become so normal to Cisco that it had faded into the background, like a dead house plant he would stumble upon from time to time and thought, oh if I only had handled it with more care. And now all that hurt comes rushing back in, and this is not the right time or space, not for the conversation they need to have, that Cisco wants to have, because he is grown the fuck up now and he needs to stop acting like twenty-two.

 

Hartley starts the presentation and Cisco pushes his breakdown to the back of his mind. He risks another look at Harry who looks concentrated ahead.

 

* * *

 

“Ladies and gentlemen, imagine a young girl, if you will. Let's call her Iris. Her mother has left when she was very young but she still got her father, a caring and loving man, a police detective, someone who protects her and she can look up to. Of course she worries about him, too. Everyday he faces dangerous criminals and might not come home at the end of the day. So the little girl vows to do as her father does for her: she will take care of him. And then one morning the father comes to wake her up and she is crying and begging him not to go to work because she _knows_ that something bad will happen. The father complies because she won't calm down. He takes the day off and takes her out of school and they go to the zoo.

 

That same day an armed individual enters the police precinct that the father works in and shoots up the place. The daughter probably saved the fathers live. When he asks her how she has known she says that she saw it in a dream.

 

I know, it sounds crazy. But don't we all know stories about how a friend knew beforehand that something bad was going to happen to a loved one? How they had a weird feeling the whole day? You might attribute that to some sort of emotional connection and that was what I initially set out to explore. But when I started testing persons who had this kind of premonitions I soon realized that they possessed something that made them different from the rest of humankind.

 

A specific gene.

 

It's a simple gene, like one that would decide if you got brown or blue eyes but it only exists in some people. So there I had evidence that the phenomena wasn't just a spiritual, psychological connection but something genetic.

 

From there on it was just connecting the dots: all the subjects told us that the same story, and I quote, “I saw the future in my dream. I don't know how that is possible but I instantly knew it would happen. And it did. Just as in my dream.”

 

Okay that's a lot to take in. Let's summarize: These abilities seem to be connected to a rare gene and they manifest themselves in the dreams of the subjects. But the visions seem only to be strong enough to be noticed by the subjects when there is a catastrophe in the future. So I thought about a way to amplify these abilities. We had first successes with subjects experiencing crystal clear vision of future events that they told us about after sleep and that would always occur in a span of a couple of days. The next step would be a set of trials on a larger scale.

 

So, ladies and gentlemen, if you invest today you will be part of the greatest discovery at least of this century but maybe even of all of human history. Not only would this be a huge scientific discovery but the real world implications are huge as you can imagine. We are offering you first hand access to our data and results and of course, the satisfaction of knowing that you helped push humankind one step closer to enlightenment.

 

We will not only grasp at the future, we will see the future. We will be the future.”

 

* * *

 

After the presentation they have to mingle and chit chat with the potential investors. There are all kind of reactions from ecstasies to disbelieve and some look insulted to be invited to such a meeting. Cisco can understand all of them. He is only here because he got a knack for the crazy theories and even if this turns out to be a train wreck he will enjoy watching Hartley drive this into the ground. And if it turns out to be real, well, then the moon landing will look like a joke in comparison.

 

“So, you both used to be his students?” A woman exclaims that is the living proof that you can be rich, intelligent and fake as hell at the same time.

 

“Yes,” Cisco says and feels wholly uncomfortable. They are standing like a parody of a family picture with Harry in the middle and Cisco and Hartley at his right and left. Cisco already regrets coming here.

 

“Well, I was studying at that time,” Hartley says with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes. “Cisco mostly used to be busy missing classes and blowing up houses.”

 

“That was one time,” Cisco says defensively. “One abandoned house. And at least I wasn't a suck-up, Hartley.”

 

Cisco can hear a sound like an aborted laugh from Harry. He squints at Hartley and just dares him to say something. Of course Hartley knows about Harry and him, he had been increasingly annoyed at Cisco about it back then. But Hartley won't take the low punch in front of his precious investors. So Cisco wins this round and he can see the fury gather behind Hartleys' eyes like clouds.

 

An old man, one of the investors that has already promised a lot of money, laughs loudly. “Oh, good. A bit of rivalry is healthy for every study. It's the best to push you even further.”

 

“Are you speaking from experience there, Doctor?” Harry asks and Cisco can feel is presence right behind him, and he muses that Harry's tone was almost conversational and when he picked that up.

 

“Oh,” The old man says. “I once put an ax in the leg of a colleague during scientific dispute.”

 

Cisco gives Hartley a wide smile. “Well, there are many depths to explore in the next months.”

 

Hartley looks like he wants to call his lawyer and get a restraining order.

 

In a sudden fit Cisco turns to Harry and finds him smiling at him, so soft, so quiet.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here we go. let the crazy begin!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "and sorely stung by wasps and hornets which bedew'd their cheeks  
> With blood, that, mix'd with tears, dropped to their feet,  
> and by disgustful worms was gather'd there"

Harrison thinks Cisco might be punishing him for something. Maybe for taking Rathaway's offer and partaking in the project. Harrison had thought it was a sign that he met Cisco again and Rathaway appeared in the same week but maybe he was wrong. Maybe Cisco really does not want to see him anymore, at least he is not appearing for the participant interviews. Instead he sends Dr. Snow who is competent, without doubt, but Harrison is too aware of how Cisco had talked about her and the soft smiles he gave her and concludes that she probably has heard some version of their story from Cisco. Judging from the looks she gives him he is right and it was not a particular kind version.

 

But maybe Harrison reads too much into things and Dr. Snow is just here because she is the Medical Doctor and trained psychologist and so better equipped to deal with the participants than Cisco, the mechanical engineer. Harrison dares one time to ask Dr. Snow if Cisco would drop by sometime. She shoots him a look sharp as a scalpel and tells him that Dr. Ramon is busy running a company and can't just take field trips to STAR Labs whenever he wants to. He never asks again.

 

Instead he concentrates on the evaluation process of potential participants of _Project Inception,_ how Iris West likes to call it. Harrison meets the girl from Rathaway's story but she is not a girl anymore but a woman with a degree in investigative journalism and a sharp wit. He asks her if the story is true, if she really saved her dad from a crazy mass shooter. Her smile gets a bit more wistful.

 

“Well, not the glamourized version Hartley likes to tell,” She says. “But yes. I never actually saw the shooter in my dream. It was more of a feeling. You know how you never really remember dreams after you wake up and are just left with this feeling? It was like that.”

 

They are in a room in STAR Labs where they are conducting the interviews with the participants. With Iris it's more to get her story again than to decide if she can take part in the study. Iris is the person Rathaway build his whole theory on, of course she will be part of the next stage.

 

“Why do you want to take part in this study?” Dr. Snow asks her.

 

“I guess I'm a curious person,” Iris says and laughs. “That's why I became a journalist. I like to get to the bottom of things. Especially if these things concern my own subconscious. It's scary to know that there is something inside me but I don't know what it is.”

 

Harrison decides that he likes Iris. “Can you tell us more about these dreams? Do you have them regularly?”

 

“Never again as strong like the first time. But I can tell when it's not just a regular dream but one of those dreams.”

 

“How can you be so certain?” Harrison asks.

 

“I just know,” Iris says. “And I wake up with that taste in my mouth. And the nosebleeds, of course.”

 

“There are nosebleeds?” Dr. Snow asks and flips through her documents.

 

Something tugs at the back of Harrison mind but he files it away to think about later.

 

“Did you see a doctor about it? Where you medicated?” He asks.

 

“No,” Iris says. “It wasn't that regularly that my dad got worried. I didn't even made the connection between the dreams and the nosebleeds until Hartley asked the right questions.”

 

Iris drags in her best friend for the evaluation, too. It is a scrawny guy the same age as her, Barry Allen, working for the CCPD as a forensic scientist. He looks very lost to Harrison when he sits on the stretcher while Dr. Snow takes a blood sample. They find the gene in his DNA, too. Reluctantly he agrees to come to the interview.

 

“Why did Iris think you have the gene, too?” Harrison asks him because it has been on his mind ever since Iris brought him, dead certain.

 

“Ask her,” Barry says but then softens. “I guess it's about what happened to my mum. She got killed by burglar when I was a kid.” He pauses. It is obvious that it still hurts him a lot to talk about it. “My mum confronted them and- They never found the person. And all that for a stupid TV and some jewelery.”

 

“Is that why you work for the police now?” Dr. Snow asks and suddenly Harrison is very glad to have her by his side with her sympathetic smile and soft voice.

 

“A bit cliche, I know,” Barry says with a chocked laugh.

 

“Did you have a dream before the incident? Or some feeling that you knew something bad would happen?” Dr. Snow asks.

 

“Honestly, I don't remember much from that time,” Barry says and rubs his hands over his face. “I just remember thinking that I should have prevented it somehow but that is probably just survivor guilt. I was actually awake when it happened. I was in the bathroom, I think I had a nosebleed. Then I heard the scream.”

 

“You had a nosebleed?” Harrison presses on. He tries not to think about the horror of a child hearing his own mother die, he tries not to imagine Jesse being in the car with them, he tries not to think about the car.

 

“Yeah, why?” Barry asks.

 

The only other person they find who has the gene _and_ is willing to take part in the study is Linda Park. Harrison is instantly fond of her sarcasm and cynic world view. She does not want to tell them what she does for work and says that she needs the money she gets for partaking. They do not press the issue because they need more participants.

 

“I get like a lot of nightmares, too,” She tells them. “My parents brought me to a psychiatrist and I got medicated. That helped a bit but I still got the nosebleeds.”

 

“Did those nightmares come true?” Harrison asks.

 

“No, that are different dreams,” Linda explains. “I have these visions where I never really know what is going to happen except that something is going to happen. And then there are the nightmares, like a side effect. It's mostly one, over and over again. I'm trapped in some horrible place and there are insects everywhere. I'm standing in an ocean of worms and there are wasps and flies buzzing around me and they are crawling over me and stinging me. You never get used to that.”

 

After the interview Harrison staggers out of the room and Dr. Snow follows him looking concerned.

 

“We have to ask Iris and Barry about nightmares,” He tells her.

 

Iris and Barry both have nightmares, too. Not as bad as Linda but they both tell them about the insects. Harrison feels a shiver run down his spine. He sends Cisco the video footage of the interviews because he does not know what else to do.

 

He remembers it vividly, probably more than he remembers other things from that time, more than the happy and nice things. He remembers Cisco waking up screaming, crying, telling him that they were everywhere, on him, in the bed. He remembers the blood, too. Nosebleeds that just wont stop. But not just his nose, when it was particularly bad he would bleed from the ears, too.

 

Harrison wonders if Cisco still got it, if someone is there to calm him down when he wakes up from the nightmares, if someone wipes away the blood. He wonders if Rathaway knew that Cisco got the gene, too.


	6. Chapter 6

Cisco feels like throwing up. He has looked at the footage of a strange woman describing his personal hell for about ten times now. He'll definitely throw up any minute now. He takes a pill and a deep breath.

 

It's been almost two years since the last time he had the nightmare. Just the reminder makes his skin tingle. This had been over, this should be over. He's on meds so strong he is not sure it's legal anymore. Sure, it fucks him up. It fucks up his body and his brain chemistry. But that is better than being scared to fall asleep.

 

He knows what it means. He doesn't even need Caitlin to test his DNA. It also means that there is an explanation to the mystery that all the doctors in the country couldn't solve.

 

In the email with the video footage is Harry's private phone number and Cisco calls him because who else can he talk to about this? He spins around in his office chair and waits for Harry to pick up.

 

“Yes?” Harry answers the phone harshly and it makes Cisco smile fondly.

 

“It's me. Cisco.”

 

“Oh,” Harry says softer this time. “Hello Cisco.”

 

“I've seen the footage,” Cisco says and tries to breathe even. “You remembered.”

 

“Of course,” Harry says. “What do you think about it?”

 

“Right now I'm not really thinking,” Cisco admits. “It's more like panicking.”

 

“Do you want me to come over?” Harry asks, worry palpable in his voice.

 

“No, no,” Cisco says because he's definitely not ready for that yet. “I'm alright. Just confused.”

 

Harry is quiet for a while then says, “Yes, me too.”

 

“I don't know what I'm supposed to do,” Cisco says. He puts his head on the desk and sighs.

 

“You have time to figure that out,” Harry says. “Just wait until the trials start and see what we find out.”

 

“Are those three the only participants?” Cisco asks.

 

“Yes,” Harry says. “Well, it's a very specific field. We had a lot of people coming in saying they can see the the future. But they didn't have the gene. Most of them obviously fakes.”

 

“It's Hartley, of course we would be dealing with fortunetellers.”

 

Harry laughs and Cisco's heart skips a beat.

 

“I'll let Caitlin test my DNA,” He says.

 

“Do that,” Harry says. “She is quiet remarkable I have to say.”

 

“I know,” Cisco says grinning. “Don't fall in love with her; she'll break your heart.”

 

“Don't worry about that,” Harry says and there is something in his voice that makes Cisco clutch the armrest of his chair tighter.

 

“Alright, I gotta go,” Cisco says. “Uh, thank you for listening, I guess.”

 

“Always,” Harry says.

 

“I'll probably drop by for the start of the trials. Bye!” Cisco hangs up before he can say anything that he will regret later.

 

* * *

 

Cisco visits his parents that evening. He doesn't do it as often as he probably should seeing as they live in the same city. But they already drifted apart in Cisco's youth and now he visits them mostly because he feels he has an obligation not because of a strong emotional connection.

 

But right now he might actually crave his mothers dark eyes and broad hands and his fathers bad jokes and roaring laughter. So he calls them and asks if he can come to dinner. His mother sounds happy.

 

Cisco has grown up without wealth. The Ramon's weren't poor exactly but there was a struggle to make ends meet. Now that his parents don't have to support their two sons anymore, it's a bit easier on them. And Cisco gives back what he thinks he owes them. He buys them a new car when their old one breaks down, and his heart almost doesn't break when his mother finally, finally looks at him with the same pride in her eyes that is normally reserved for Dante. Cisco tells himself it doesn't matter if his parents never understand what truly makes him extraordinary. There are other people who see him for what he is.

 

So he goes to dinner and hugs his mother and lets his father pour him more wine than necessary and they talk about this and that and the evening passes. Afterward Cisco is not sure if he feels better or not.

 

* * *

 

Caitlin waits for him on the threshold to his office the next day. She has a manila folder and and worried eyes. He closes the door behind them.

 

“So, I guess I got the gene,” Cisco says.

 

“Yes, you do,” Caitlin says. “Didn't you... notice anything before? Is that why you agreed to join the study?”

 

“I'm not going to participate as a subject,” Cisco says sharper than he means to. Caitlin's face closes off instantly. Cisco sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “I've got some work to do here, but let's go to the sleep lab this evening, okay?”

 

“Alright,” She says, placated.

 

* * *

 

The machines look like someone spend too much time watching documentaries on medieval torturing techniques. Hartley had made the initial design and subsequently fought a month with Cisco about any changes. Cisco had wanted it to look sleeker, more modern. Hartley had argued that aesthetics weren't important. At that point Cisco needed a while to collect himself. ( _That from the guy who refused to come to class because he 'couldn't endure my wardrobe choices'?_ )

 

Cisco had needed a lot of will power at that not to run directly to Harry to complain. Then Cisco had suggested improvements for the inner workings of the machines and Hartley had been even more resistant. In the end Harry had told them that if they wouldn't be ready soon he would cut off their money. So they came to some sort of arrangement. It looks terrible.

 

“This looks terrible,” A young woman, one of the participants, says.

 

“Tell that to Hartley,” Cisco mumbles, mood already getting worse and worse.

 

“I'm Linda, and you?” The woman asks.

 

“Cisco Ramon. I'm the one who tries to keep Hartley from killing you.”

 

“To be fair, that would be me,” Caitlin says. “I just met Dr. Rathaway and Dr. Wells but from my judgment you're all three candidates to blow yourselves to pieces in your own experiments.”

 

“Why you gotta be like this?” Cisco asks pained while Linda laughs loudly.

 

Hartley comes into the room, followed by the other two participants. Harry is no where to be seen. Introductions are made and Cisco notes that Hartley looks tired, hair standing into every direction like he had fallen asleep on the couch in the staff room and just woken up. He pulls him aside.

 

“You alright?” Cisco asks.

 

“Yes, yes,” Hartley says and waves his worries away. “Overworked but alright. This is exciting, isn't it?” He smiles at the sleep lab surrounding them.

 

“Let's just hope it works,” Cisco says.

 

There are sleeping pods in the machines and Cisco watches cautiously as the three participants climb into them. Iris, Barry and Linda. It's weird to see them and talk to them and know that they have this- anomaly in common, it's even weirder that the others don't know that Cisco shares it with them. But Cisco is not ready to disclose his status yet. Especially not to Hartley. It's a coincidence, what else could it be, that Hartley came to him with this project. But still, there is some year-old mistrust lingering in the back of his mind. He trust Hartley to always be on the top of his game. But he doesn't trust him with something so personal.

 

It's not particularly exciting to watch. The participants go to sleep and the machines come alive around them, whirring and spinning. Cisco doesn't really understand it. He understands, of course, the tech and the way it works. But how it enhances the dreams is built on Hartley's studies which he claims he understands, but honestly Cisco thinks he only knows that it's working, not how exactly.

 

There isn't much to do after everyone is asleep. There is a guy on watch in the sleep lab so Hartley, Caitlin and Cisco go out for drink. Cisco is not really in the mood for celebrations but he could use the drink.

 

“Where was Harry anyway?” He asks when they have found a booth in a tiny bar right around the corner of STAR Labs. Outside a February downpour transforms the streets in something wild and abandoned.

 

“Working, I guess,” Hartley says and shrugs. “He didn't say anything to me. Are you sad that he didn't show the one time you did?” He leans over to Caitlin next to him and there is that mischievous grin again, that Cisco spent a lot of time fantasizing about, precisely to knock it off of Hartley's stupid face. He succeeded one time, and one time only.

 

“Did he tell you about Harrison and him? I swear to god, he was just as annoying about it as he is now.”

 

“Now, there isn't anything to be anything about,” Cisco says.

 

Caitlin looks torn somewhere between wanting to stick up for Cisco but also like she can't pass up the chance to get some new blackmail material on him.

 

“Ask me,” Hartley says who seems to read the same thing in her eyes.

 

“Did you really not get along?” Caitlin asks and Cisco is thankful she is not asking the questions he would ask Hartley if it wouldn't be _Hartley_ : Were they really that obvious? Do you think they were in love?

 

“That's a bit harsh,” Hartley says. “Sure we had our disagreements-”

 

“You once called the police on me,” Cisco says. “Just so I would leave.”

 

“We did hang out a lot for people who were supposed to hate each other,” Hartley muses.

 

“You stalked me!” Cisco accuses him. “You wanted to steal my work!”

 

“You were the only one that really mattered, Cisco. You were the only one who could keep up.” Hartley looks away while he says it and Cisco chokes on his response. Hartley has this way of always changing the game when Cisco thinks he knows the rules.

 

“Alright,” Cisco brushes it off because he doesn't know what else to do with this confession. “Still, you were a terrible nightmare.

 

“You, too,” Hartley says and now they're back on known territory.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you notice when exactly the feels for Hartley hit me? he's just so [clenches fist] tragic-


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And for no other evil, we are lost"

Honestly, Harrison had been over the moon when Cisco announced he would come to the first trial. But then Harrison just – somehow – didn't find the time to make it. Lying in bed that night trying to sleep he almost regrets it. Cisco had sounded so desperate over the phone, so lost. But a nasty feeling had stirred in Harrison, telling him that he should not come whenever Cisco calls when he will be discarded just as quickly. It had surprised Harrison that he is apparently still bitter about the fiasco that was their break-up, or to put it better, the lack thereof. Cisco just fucking vanished without a word. And now they are acting like that never happened.

 

So now Harrison is sulking and not able to sleep and honestly it is ridiculous. He is too old for this kind of behavior. But when Harrison has learned anything about being an adult it is that you stay mostly the same just with more trauma and you are supposed to know how to do your taxes.

 

The question that really matters is: what does he expect from Cisco?

 

He thinks about the arguments they used to have, most of them in the classroom about physics, that made Harrison get headaches and a crushing feeling in his chest. Whenever he saw that one student pop up in the back of the room he knew it was going to be an excruciating class. Cisco used to taunt him with stupid quips and as it turned out Harrison could never back down, just something about the way it made Cisco, Ramon, it was Ramon back then, almost smile. The fought often and well, their favorite topic: unsolvable problems. Ramon did something that no one had been able to do in a long time, he got Harrison's focus to crawl out of the labyrinths of his own mind, he presented a challenge too sweet to ignore and the severity of his own interest took Harrison by surprise, the way Ramon lingered in the back of his mind for whole days, how his face crept into his dreams. Ramon's steady gaze relighted a fire in Harrison that he long thought dead and gone.

 

Harrison thinks he might get into the habit of fighting with Cisco again.

 

* * *

 

Harrison gets to the sleep lab in the early morning but everyone is already awake. There is a hectic bustling all around him, scientists writing down the dreams the participants had this night or going over the collected data of vital functions and brain waves.

 

Iris bursts past him in a hallway.

 

“Hey, how are you?” He yells after her.

 

She turns on her heels. “How I am?” She seems upset. “My best friend just confessed that he has been in love with me our whole life. I don't know how I am.”

 

“Oh,” is all Harrison can say and then Iris stalks back to him to jab her finger into his chest.

 

“This is not what I promised myself from this experiment. We're here to work. I'm not taking part in this stupid excuse for a reality show. If-”

 

“Yes?” Harrison asks rather irritated than intimidated.

 

“Forget it,” She says and storms off.

 

Harrison gets to the room where Dr. Snow is talking to a wide eyed Barry.

 

“So, let me get this straight,” She says. “You woke up-”

 

“And I knew what I had to do,” Barry says. “I just know that I'll be never happy without her. I thought I had gotten over her but that's impossible.”

 

Harrison looks to Dr. Snow who turns to him with a raised brow.

 

“Alright, Barry,” Dr. Snow says mildly. “You'll figure it out. Just- take it slow, yeah? And like, maybe give Iris some space to think about it.”

 

“Good idea.” Barry nods ecclesiastically.

 

When Dr. Snow has ushered Barry out of the room and pointed him in the direction of a person who would take down his dreams, hopefully prophetic ones, she turns to Harrison and sighs. She looks like she is about to bang her head against a wall.

 

“Rough morning, Dr. Snow?” He asks.

 

“You have no idea. And please, Caitlin.”

 

“Harrison. Where is Linda, anyway?”

 

“She's in the break room,” Caitlin says. “We had to send someone to get frozen yogurt or she would have busted before we got a chance to talk to her. She said, she woke up with a craving.”

 

“Apparently some people did,” Harrison says and jots it down in his mind as something weird, something that is off. He will figure it out later, with more data. Right now his mind is mostly occupied with preventing his mouth from asking where Cisco is. He respects Caitlin, her opinion on him and her influence on Cisco too much to act like a total fool in front of her.

 

He does not care if Cisco is here anyway.

 

If Cisco is here, he will see him sooner or later. No point in asking.

 

And if he is not here, well- He will find that out, too. So really no point in asking.

 

He guides Caitlin down the hallway in the direction of the sleep lab and asks, “Is Cisco here?”

 

She looks at him and Harrison thinks that maybe that tight smile on her face is her equivalent of an eye roll just nicer and more professional. “Hartley wasn't lying when he said you two are annoying about each other,” She says. “He was here yesterday evening.”

 

“I am aware,” He replies, mostly to the second part, but also maybe a little to the first part.

 

“No, he is not here,” She says finally.

 

* * *

 

They actually do meet from time to time because they both have to come to certain meetings concerning the progress of the study. But it is never them alone, always people and chatter and air and air and air between them. Harrison does try to call Cisco from time to time, some of the time about the trials, most of the times because he kicks himself in the ass and tries to be the mature one. But he only ever gets Cisco's assistant Jackie on the line who tells him increasingly absurd lies why Cisco cannot get on the phone. ( _Sorry, Dr. Wells. Dr. Ramon is currently in an important meeting. I'm sorry but Dr. Ramon is taking his midday nap. Yes, he is still busy. He is in the bathroom, I think he drank too much yesterday. Why don't you try it later, he doesn't want to be interrupted while brainstorming world domination plans. I'm very sorry. He'll call you back._ )

 

Jackie is a nice girl and Harrison thinks Cisco should not make her tell lies. He meets her once when Cisco brings her to a meeting and she gets a panicked look in her eyes when she sees Harrison.

 

The trials go on with a steady level of success. The dreams are of the participants do come true. It is mostly ordinary things: a dropped glass of wine, the image of walking down a particular road, snippets of conversations still to come. And it is amazing to experience it first hand. To hear Iris describe in detail a certain vase that she saw shattering and then to get pictures from her where she accidentally pushed a vase down in an antique shop. The pattern on the shard matches the ones of Iris description perfectly.

 

But Hartley had already proven this, he already gotten to this point. And the dreams are still rather flashes of moments, shaky images, dizzy visions. They are detailed in the second but it is not a wide scope. And only one dream – Linda dreaming about falling down the stairs – happens two weeks in the future. The rest of the events happen in the same week as the dream.

 

So they have a lot of long meetings that go well into the night where they talk about how to increase the effect. These are still not results that they can published. Too much of it can be discredited by simply turning the causality on its head: Saying the events happen because the dreamers subconsciously recreate them instead of dreaming of something because it will happen. But no one said it would be easy.

 

Most of the days Harrison does not believe it himself.

 

* * *

 

Someone enters Harrison's office uninvited. He is about get really angry but then he sees it is just Hartley looking more maniac than usual. Harrison is on the phone and he signals Hartley to wait. Of course Hartley does not just sit down but proceeds to pull out every single book out of Harrison's shelf and gives it half a glance before putting it somewhere else while Harrison has to stay civil on the phone.

 

“Something you want to tell me?” Harrison asks after he has hung up. Half his book collection is on the floor.

 

“No,” Hartley says. “Caitlin locked me out of the sleep lab because she thinks I 'need to take a break'.” He does air quotes. “But I don't want 'to go home'. I'm not 'tired'.”

 

“I think you should go sleep, Hartley,” Harrison says. “You're doing the air quote thing.”

 

“No,” Hartley says and it feels like arguing with a child. “You know what's weird? We've been working together for a while now, but we never really talked. We should catch up.”

 

“Alright,” Harrison says fast because he can see Hartley eying the next shelf. “Why don't you sit down on the couch and we talk.”

 

“Yes,” Hartley says and sinks down on the couch. “You know I used to think you would break Cisco's heart.” His head falls back again the wall and his eyes close slowly. “Funny. In the end he broke yours.”

 

“Yeah, you know a thing or two about how that feels,” Harrison says but Hartley is already fast asleep. He watches Hartley for a moment. The dreamers are rather fond of Hartley, a thing that Harrison would not have predicted in his wildest dreams. But age has rounded Hartley's character a little. He is still petty and can be vicious if he wants to – but mostly he does not anymore. He really only cares about his studies nowadays – not so much what other people think of him. He is bordering on crazy scientist these days and it makes people sympathize with him and still keep a certain distance. Perfect for the relationship between him and the dreamers. Harrison is glad he got to meet this Hartley, too, not only the sharp-tongued ghosts that had haunted his class room.

 

He sighs. He will have to put the books back himself, won't he.

 

When Hartley will wake up he will find himself in a horizontal position on the couch in the empty office and a blanket wrapped around him. He will have the grace not to mention it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can i introduce you to jackie, my lovely oc? she is gentle and good and i hope you'll love her as much as i do.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Here, as my ear could note, no plaint was heard  
> Except of sighs, that made the eternal air  
> Tremble, not caused by tortures, but from grief”

Cisco watches them sleep quite a lot. He watches them twitch and turn. They seem agitated he thinks. Their sleep is deep but troubled. That's how it's supposed to be. Lots and lots of dreams. He thinks that maybe he should be there with them, not just watching.

 

It's like looking at old photographs, Linda says. He likes listening to her talk about her obviously-not-visions dreams. They are tinged with bittersweet melancholia. She dreams of flowers drifting in the ocean waves, flowers being thrown out of the window of a moving car. She has no memory connection to these images but they come up repeatedly. White marguerites, she calls them French daisies, slipping out of a hand while the scenery passes in a flush of green. Maybe her mother's perfume, she says. Roses swimming in turquoise water. The flowers on her brother's grave. She has no connection to these images. He buys her copious amounts of Frozen Yogurt in exchange for these dreams the other scientists are not interest in. She accepts wearily. Tells him about family trips and early mornings and long roads and stops at Froyo stands.

 

There are no more nightmares.

 

Barry is a fucking mess, honestly, and Cisco steers clear. He cannot deal with this kind of drama right now.

 

And Iris? She is furious. She spends more nights at the sleep lab than anyone else. She is obsessed with getting further. She was the one with whom Hartley worked before, with whom he already reached this stage and she is annoyed that they're not get any new results. In her mind there is no doubt that there is something to uncover here, some truth to unearth.

 

“Can't you make whatever it is you're doing with us in those pods stronger?” She asks in one of their meetings she now regularly joins.

 

Hartley rubs his temples. “Iris, dearest, how many times have I explained to you how it works?”

 

“Honestly I don't care how it works,” Iris says and her tone gets pleading. “But there got to be something you can do, right?”

 

“We could make it stronger,” Hartley says when Iris has left the room. “But I'm not sure if it will increase their abilities.”

 

“How exactly do the machines work?” Caitlin asks.

 

“They are influencing the brain waves of the persons. To get them into deeper and longer REM phases. We're basically electrocuting them in slow motion.”

 

“Good that we can trust you to put in the most horrifying terms possible, Hartley,” Harry says and shakes his head. “It's not as bad as it sounds.”

 

“Aren't there any long-term effects?” Caitlin asks and looks over to Cisco. She knows he has been playing with the idea of getting in one of those machines, too.

 

“There are long-term effects for the best things in life,” Hartley says. “We can't tell, really. Probably. But nothing we can anticipate.”

 

“Let's make it stronger,” Cisco says. “If we don't change any of the variables we might stagnate at this stage for months. Or forever.”

 

“Alrighty,” Hartley says and looks expectantly to Harry who shrugs and nods.

 

“I'm not sure how to feel about this,” Caitlin says but doesn't stop them.

 

 

* * *

 

So like, Harry wasn't a good professor. Cisco has to explain this to Caitlin on more than one occasion when she gets so heartbroken over the fact he was taught by the great Dr. Wells and she wasn't. Harry was really awful as a professor and Hartley will corroborate that if asked. Harry didn't do teaching because he thought it was important or worthwhile to teach a new generation, he mostly did it because he got offered the job when he needed one after his wife died. Cisco is pretty sure Harry had actively resented most of his students especially anyone who wasn't highly intelligent and still tried to take up his time. He came late to almost every class because he simply forgot he was supposed to be in a classroom instead of getting lost in solving physical problems. At the time Cisco met him he was writing a book about particles which would lay the foundation for his work to come later with the particle accelerator and it was consuming most of his time. There wasn't any space to prepare classes or tutor students.

 

Yeah, Caitlin really didn't miss anything.

 

In Hartley's opinion, that he likes to voice loudly at every opportunity, she even dodged a bullet. In the two semesters Cisco took Applied Physics it turned into a battlefield between Cisco and Harry with only Hartley daring to get caught in the crossfire from time to time. Embarrassing, in Hartley's opinion. Annoying, too. Not a good learning environment.

 

“What do you want me to say about it now?” Cisco says frustrated. “Alright, it happened. I was dumb and young.”

 

“I think it sounds cute,” Caitlin says and waves the bartender over to get another drink. Cisco doesn't know how he always ends up in a bar with Caitlin and Hartley. They ask the other scientists to come but their probably too intimated by Caitlin or to weirded out by Hartley. Cisco wonders about a lot of things. For example, if Hartley knows that Cisco has the gene. It would be a high stake gamble to confront him about it, one that Cisco isn't willing to lose. If Hartley doesn't know about it, it's better that way.

 

“Let's talk about someone else than me for a second, okay?” Cisco says and downs the rest of his beer.

 

“Yeah, I've been wondering,” Caitlin says, leaning closer to Hartley than necessary but maybe she is already a bit drunk, swaying on her bar stool. “You got a special someone? I only ever see you working.”

 

“No, I'm-,” Hartley stops and looks away. “I don't have time to maintain a relationship beside work.”

 

“Ugh, not very sexy of you,” Caitlin says frowning and slaps his shoulder.

 

“I used to have a boyfriend,” Hartley tells them while he tries to steady Caitlin on her stool. “But he made a mistake. He made me choose between him and my studies.”

 

“That's depressing,” Cisco says.

 

“Well, I guess that's just us,” Hartley says. “A bunch of losers.”

 

Cisco thinks a moment about that boyfriend and if he even existed because he cannot imagine anyone voluntarily dating Hartley. Maybe if he would keep his mouth shut.

 

“Yeah, you two are losers,” Caitlin sighs.

 

“What the hell, Caitlin,” Cisco says. “You're single, too.”

 

“Am I though?” Caitlin cocks her head to the side.

 

The rest of the night is spent wrestling Caitlin's story out of her, how she had wandered around in STAR Labs and just ran into the cutest guy, and how they already had a second date, and Cisco feigns outrage about not being told earlier and Hartley makes some more cynic comments about modern dating. But to tell the truth, Cisco only goes through the motions. His mind is occupied with the trials.

 

For the last years he has been so heavily medicated he didn't dream anymore. Not really. Some mornings he wakes up thinking he might have dreamed, a lingering feeling of depths but he can't tell for sure. Needless to say that his sleep hasn't been particularly good. He reached the conclusion that humans need to dream, that it fucks people up if they don't. He is missing something, he can't quite pin down what it is, but he is less balanced, less rested. He used to feel trapped in the hellish dreamscape that were his nightmares but now he feels trapped in the waking world, in the harsh light of what we call reality.

 

He thinks that if he would take in the trials he could dream again. He could dream again and there would be no nightmares. Linda seems to have had the nightmare just as regular as him and she doesn't have them anymore, so- Maybe it is worth taking the shot, maybe he needs to let go of the control he has so carefully gathered around himself until now.

 

Most of the days Cisco doesn't even care about prophecies and scientific breakthroughs. Most of the days he spends yearning for something he had lost a long time ago, something he thought he had lost forever.

 

* * *

 

“Listen up, my dear Dreamers,” Caitlin announces. She has walked into the staff room where Iris, Linda and Barry are milling around on chairs. Cisco follows her and takes a seat in the background. “Good evening to everyone. As you all know are we currently stagnating with our results. So, as Iris suggested, we will increase the power of the pods. You shouldn't even notice a difference except in your dreams hopefully. If anyone is opposed to this, now is the moment to speak up. We will of course honor your wishes.”

 

No one says anything.

 

“Good. Also, I propose that we work together on a diet and work out plan. You all complained about pain and fatigue so I looked into it. I have noticed changes in you bodies, nothing to worry about, but nonetheless I think this is not something that only influences your mind but your body, too. And if you only come out of her with a better health, that's a plus, too, right?”

 

“Does this mean, what I think it means?” Barry asks with a sigh.

 

“Yes, Barry, it means you gotta run,” Caitlin says. “I will sit down with each one of you tomorrow morning and talk about individual plans. That's it from me. We are ready, when you are ready.”

 

Linda leans over to push Barry. “How did you even get into the police in your condition?”

 

“What are you implying?” Barry asks and pushes back.

 

“I'm implying that you won't be able to catch me,” Linda says with a smirk and darts out of the room. Barry groans but runs after her. Iris follows them in a slower pace.

 

“Well, they do get along,” Cisco notes. “That's good.”

 

“Yeah,” Caitlin says. “Even Iris and Barry seem to have found a way to deal with things. We are really lucky. It makes our job much easier.”

 

“Alright, let's send them to sleep,” Cisco says. “And hope there will be a change tonight.”

 

“I'm carefully optimistic,” Caitlin says.

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Into a place I came  
> Where light was silent all.”

Barry wakes up screaming. Harrison is there when it happens and he rushes into the sleep lab where Caitlin and her two nurses are already calming Barry down. He is wide-eyed and panting. The woman look over to him from their sleep pods.

 

Barry gets ushered to the med bay but it seems to have been just a nightmare. Just a nightmare. Maybe prophetic nightmare. Harrison does not like that idea. He paces between the rooms where the woman talk about their dreams. Nothing out of the ordinary, as far as Harrison can tell.

 

Finally Barry gets released from the med bay and gets brought into an interview room. Harrison and Caitlin take a seat at the table opposite from Barry while Hartley jumps through the room, already a nervous wrack. In the last minute Cisco appears from god knows where and leans against the wall behind them with crossed arms.

 

Barry still seems kind of out of it, as if he has not really woken up. Harrison and Caitlin exchange glances and Harrison nods at her to signal she should take the lead.

 

“Tell us about your night, Barry,” Caitlin says quiet.

 

Barry looks up as if he is just noticing them. He searches for words. Finally he looks down on his hands again.

 

“It was awful,” He chokes out. “Something changed.”

 

Hartley looks like he is going to rip Barry's head of if he does not talk faster so Harrison intervenes. “What has changed.”

 

“The- the feel of the dreams I think,” Barry says and furrows his brows. “I can't describe it. Before it was so- almost peaceful. But now. It was violent.” He shakes his head. “I know it was just a dream but it felt so real.”

 

It is hard to look at Barry like this, he seems down right terrified.

 

“What happened in your dream?” Caitlin presses on.

 

“There was a storm,” Barry whispers. “It ripped us apart.”

 

“Us?” Harrison asks, treading the response.

 

“Iris. She was there, too.”

 

* * *

 

Outside of the room Harrison catches Cisco's arm and holds him back. Cisco turns to him but he does not really look at him.

 

“What are we doing here,” Cisco says when the others are far enough that they won't hear them.

 

“Are you alright?” Harrison asks.

 

“What do you think?” Cisco replies and tears his arm free. Harrison takes a step back and finally Cisco looks at him. “I'm sorry, Harry.”

 

They are alone, Harrison notices. There are alone for the first time in weeks. Harrison thinks about all the things he wants to say. He thinks about all the things Cisco might need to hear.

 

“This is one giant mindfuck,” Cisco sighs. He leans against the wall and looks at Harrison. At least he is not running away. Harrison steps closer and puts his hand on Cisco's shoulder. He leans into it and closes his eyes.

 

“We're so in over our heads here,” Cisco says.

 

“You wanted to change the variables,” Harrison reminds him because he has to, because he cannot keep his mouth shut for one damn time.

 

“Right,” Cisco says, bitter again. He looks up at Harrison as if he contemplates something. “I want to know, you know,” He says finally. “I've wanted to know my whole fucking life what this is. This thing in my head. And now that I got the chance I realize that it might be even more terrifying than I could imagine.”

 

“Do you still have the nightmares?” Harrison asks.

 

“No, I-,” Cisco pauses. “No, I've got better meds, now.”

 

Cisco steps closer and Harrison thinks, this is it. They might find a way that leads back to each other again. And he needs a sign like this now, or he will loose all hope that there is anything to save.

 

Somewhat belated Harrison realizes that Cisco is hugging him and he wraps his arms around him. They stand there for a while, quiet, just holding on to each other. Harrison is not sure if he should say something but he is scared to destroy this moment that hangs in the air, fragile and precious. So he actually keeps his mouth shut and soaks in the feeling of holding Cisco close, his warmth, his smell. Cisco lets out a small sound and Harrison feels his breath hot against his neck.

 

And then just as quickly Cisco slips out of his arms with an apologetic look, like a breath let out in cold air: something that once belonged to you disappearing into invisibility.

 

* * *

 

Somewhere along the lines Harrison realizes that his life has started to revolve around Cisco again. It is just as trying as he remembers it. Because Cisco loves floating above everything, loves walking through walls and hates commitment. He is always looking for the exit sign with one eye. And Harrison finds himself in the spot where he sees clearly that he is reaching the point of no return and the mature thing to do would be to leave, to bring some distance between them. And yet he stays because he knows Cisco well enough to not leave him alone at this point.

 

Of course Jesse notices because she has never been anything less than perceptive.

 

“You seem a bit unfocused lately,” She says during one of their skype dinners. “Something on your mind?”

 

Harrison freezes, thinking about the appropriate way to deal with this situation. But his face must have betrayed something because Jesse's eyes widen.

 

“Or someone?” She asks and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

 

“I'm not comfortable discussing this with you,” Harrison says because lying is pointless.

 

“Oh, come on, dad,” Jesse says. “You know I'm a-okay with getting a step-mom. That's totally cool.” She gives him two thumbs up.

 

Harrison feels the air getting pressed out of his lungs, feels something heavy settling on his chest. He looks at his daughter on the screen and wonders when was the last time he really saw her. They are basically strangers and he knows it is his fault. That he was the one who closed off and send Jesse away to boarding school. She never really came back home.

 

“You don't look happy,” Jesse says quietly.

 

“It's complicated,” Harrison says finally.

 

Jesse smiles wistfully. “Isn't it always?”

 

* * *

 

“Quod erat demonstrandum,” Cisco said underlining the result angrily. Yes, this is what it had come to: Continuing their arguments after the class had ended and all the others students had left. Cisco crossed his arms standing in front of an impressive calculation on the chalkboard.

 

“That still doesn't prove your theory, Ramon,” Harrison said because it was the truth and because it made Cisco eyes flare up with that anger that send a rush of adrenaline through Harrison.

 

“Alright, forget it,” Cisco said and dropped the chalk on the desk. “There is another theory I intent to prove.” He stepped closer to Harrison.

 

“What's that?” Harrison asked and he had to swallow when Cisco got even closer, his hand ghosting over Harrison's.

 

“I have this theory that you really want to fuck me.” Cisco dropped to his knees and got busy with Harrison's belt. Harrison wanted to stop him, to push him away and he even got his hand to Cisco's shoulder but it just rested there. He tried to get his thoughts in order but that is hard when you get a blowjob by a beautiful man in semi-public. And yes, he did want this. This and so much more.

 

When Cisco was finished he whispered, “Quod erat demonstrandum,” and got up. Harrison watched speechless as Cisco picked up his back and left the room with one final glance at him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at this point it just a game to see how miserable i can make harry feel. soz lol. and like. i need to kick myself in the ass and do some plot we're not even half-way through the story.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “hope of rest to solace them  
> Is none”

There is a storm drawing near and the sleep lab is bustling with activity. Cisco finds Barry sitting alone in the back of the sleep lab. Barry looks miserable. He hasn't been back in the sleep lab for a week after his last dream. He wouldn't even tell them if he thought it was a vision but now there are weather warnings about the biggest storm in twenty years hitting Central City. A reliable weather forecast, Hartley had joked, we'll earn a fortune.

 

“Hey,” Cisco says and sits down next to Barry. He doesn't ask if he's alright. Barry doesn't look up from his hands. “You're back,” Cisco adds.

 

“You know, I'm usually not like this,” Barry says unprompted as if he was having a whole different conversation in his head and just spoke out loud now. “I mean I'm normally not this- emotional. Like yes, I'm an emotional person but this feels- I don't know. I never felt this extreme before.” He turns to look at Cisco. “I was over Iris. Really. She was the first person I fell in love with and okay that probably sticks but- I dated other people, you know. I was invested in other people. And now I have this tunnel vision and it's scary. I don't even recognize myself anymore.”

 

Cisco blinks at him surprised. This is the most words they have ever exchanged and then this.

 

“You don't believe me.” Barry sounds disappointed.

 

“No,” Cisco hurries to say. “I mean I believe you. If this is your perception of yourselves we shouldn't discard it.” Barry's eyes light up and Cisco goes on, “It could be a side effect. I'll look into it with Dr. Snow. Just- take it easy, alright. You don't have to sleep here today if you don't want to.”

 

Barry is quiet for a while. On a monitor opposite from them there is an image of the storm moving closer to the city.

 

“It's the storm I dreamed of.” It's not even a question.

 

“You're safe here,” Cisco says.

 

Barry turns around and looks to where Iris and Linda are sitting together in a pod, feet dangling over the edge, immersed in a quiet conversation. “It felt so real,” Barry whispers. “I could feel how it tore off my limbs- and I could do nothing about. Just watch as she-”

 

“Listen to me,” Cisco says and grips his arm hard. “It is not going to happen. This basement is basically an atom bunker. Nothing is going to happen, alright.”

 

Barry nods but Cisco doesn't even believe himself. Not that he thinks that they're all going to die because the storm lets STAR Labs crash on them or anything. But there is still a sick feeling in his stomach, something about the way Barry looks. Why is he here anyway. Barry wasn't convinced about the trials from the beginning. He probably only stays because of Iris.

 

Cisco leaves Barry to fret in his corner and goes over to Hartley and Harry who stand around a screen discussing something.

 

“So I think we got a problem,” Cisco says with a lowered voice. Hartley and Harry shoot him questioning looks.

 

Caitlin slides up beside him and squints, “What's going on? What are you guys up to ominously hovering in a corner with crossed arms?”

 

“I just had a worrisome conversation with Barry,” Cisco says. “I think we should monitor their hormone levels.”

 

“Do you think I'm just sitting around here?” Caitlin asks. “I'm already doing that.”

 

“And? Anything weird?” Cisco asks.

 

Caitlin shakes her head and Hartley asks, “What's your point, Cisco?”

 

“Don't you think they all behave- a bit too emotional?” Cisco asks. “Not just Barry. Hartley, you knew Iris before the trials. Was she always so intense?”

 

“Well,” Hartley considers the question. “She was always engaged but she's going a bit over board, now.”

 

“See,” Cisco says, “And I have this feeling Linda is normally not the sentimental type but you should hear the stories she tells me.”

 

“Maybe we should measure the hormone levels while they sleep,” Caitlin says. “Right now we're just taking a look before the go to sleep. And then it's relatively normal.”

 

There is a storm gathering over them, and Barry goes to sleep and the other two follow him deep down into rest so thick it leaves bruises where they hit their arms against the plastic edges of the pods.

 

* * *

 

Some nights it eats Cisco alive. And he wonders why it needs the dark to bring out his demons. But questioning the mechanisms never changes them; he is still lying awake and thinking about Harry, about his hands and the way his voice gets soft when he talks to Cisco and only for Cisco. So, maybe he still cares. Maybe they both still care. What's supposed to be done about that?

 

And Cisco thinks that maybe falling in love with Harry wouldn't be so bad. He thinks that maybe he already is, that he still is; however much it feels like being tied down. If Cisco hates something more than asking for help, it's depending on someone. It feels like hooks in Cisco's skin, ready for tearing.

 

So what, Cisco is scared. Deep down to his bones. And he is tired of hurting. And he thinks about Harry, he thinks that maybe things could be, things could become, things- he doesn't even dare to define those _things_. His hopes usually die a horrible violent death.

 

It was different when he was young and still had a decade of disappointment in front of him. Back then it seemed like fate, cruel but nonetheless fate, to run into his professor in a Whole Foods just three days after blowing him in front of a board full of equations that spelled his desires more eloquent than he ever could. Dr. Wells leaned on his cart and smirked at him and Cisco was so lost, so helpless that moment he almost dropped the milk he was carrying.

 

“Hello, Ramon.” Dr. Wells said, and Cisco thought that if he ever had the upper hand in this game they were playing he had lost it now.

 

“What I wanted to ask you,” Dr. Wells asked. “You still need a tutor for you dissertation, don't you?”

 

“I don't need shit,” Cisco mumbled and considered just turning around and leaving.

 

“Let me take a look,” Dr. Wells said and Cisco was aware what chance he had here to have Harrison Wells look at his dissertation and he thought about throwing it away for this stupid power play that he was way to invested in, a game where the odds where stacked against him from the beginning, that he wasn't so sure was a game at all anymore.

 

And it had felt so huge, his pulse racing to match his shaking hands. Back then Cisco had been reckless, had thrown himself off every cliff he came across and he had loved the rush of adrenaline, the kick it gave him to steer so close to disaster. Now it only seems like self-destruction, like masochism, like a habit he had grown out of.

 

The nights pass and in the light of day Cisco thinks he might not be in love after all. In the light of day it looks more like wanting to be in love which is ridiculous because Cisco doesn't want to be in love, is not in love and will never fall in love with Harry.

 

Not again.

 

* * *

 

The storm passes and Iris and Linda wake up shaking with the horror still clinging to their skin.

 

Linda dreamed about drowning, about waves crashing over her head, monstrous, tall, reaching into the sky and then a movement downwards, the current dragging her under. She wasn't alone either. A woman, she can barely describe her, floating next to her, just out of reach. The panic had died in her eyes just as Linda felt the calm approaching that is said to come to people who drown right before the end. The only thing Linda can say about the woman is that she looked beautiful even in death, fair skin and blonde hair a stark contrast against the dark depths of the sea.

 

Iris throws up and then says that she still feels as if the ground is shaking, moving relentlessly under her feet. The ground broke open and the buildings around her came tumbling down. There was a man gliding down a rift and Iris had tried to get to him, to get him out but there was destruction raining from the sky and it had buried them there together, violently, crushing them under the weight of falling skyscrapers.

 

“What do you think it means?” Caitlin asks when they're alone.

 

“I don't know,” Hartley says. “Maybe we do need to get some psychiatrist on the team after all.”

 

“You mean the dreams are symbolic.” Harry doesn't look convinced. “Until now all their visions have been pretty clear cut. I don't think we're dealing with images of their subconscious here.”

 

“Barry did dream of a storm shortly before the storm of the century hit Central City,” Cisco says. “Maybe weather forecast is not a bad way to describe it.”

 

“You mean they dream about natural disasters?” Hartley asks. “So, what? A tsunami and an earthquake are going to hit Central City next week?”

 

“Maybe it's not just local,” Caitlin says. “It sounds plausible. We should look out if anything like that occurs globally.”

 

“Chances aren't that slim,” Harry says. “We do live in times were natural disaster happen almost daily.”

 

“Shouldn't we like,” Cisco hesitates. “Warn someone? I mean, if we really know that there will be catastrophes shouldn't we warn someone?”

 

“And who do you want to warn?” Hartley asks. “We don't know where they are going to happen. And even if we find out where it will happen and someone believes us, which I think is highly unlikely, it might not happen. That would discredit the whole study from the beginning.”

 

Cisco thinks he understands the term 'seeing red' since working with Hartley. “So what,” He hisses. “If we have the possibility to save lives that shouldn't matter.”

 

“Calm down,” Caitlin says. “Don't get worked up over nothing. It's like Hartley said. We're not going to find out about the locations from their dreams. I've spoken with all of them today, even Barry, and they all said they had no clue where they were. And they couldn't tell me any characteristics of the places.”

 

“What about the people they are dreaming about,” Harry says. “That Barry dreamed about Iris makes sense, I mean, knowing their history. And they were both affected, more or less, by the storm. I don't think Iris and Linda have any plans of traveling somewhere where they would be endangered by a tsunami or an earthquake. And they both dreamed about strangers.”

 

“And about dying,” Cisco adds. “It's like only half the dream is a vision and the other part is like a normal dream.”

 

“Yes, it's all very strange,” Hartley says impatiently. “Still, this is good news. We're on the verge of something big here.”

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Shall these tortures, Sir!  
> When the great sentence passes, be increased,  
> or mitigated, or as now severe?”

**KSFZ Channel 8 News**

 

**Breaking News:** _tsunami hits Japan – 10.000 confirmed dead – humanitarian crisis – status atom reactors unknown_

 

**Breaking News:** _earthquake destroys Lima – death toll still rising – live coverage at ksfz-news.cc_

 

* * *

 

**Patient Health Evaluation**

 

Date: _02/XX/20XX_

Patient Number: _KX3R_

 

**Symptoms (all the time or temporary)**

 

**Physical:**

_Strong itching all over the body_

_Headaches/Migraine_

_Muscle pain_

_Fatigue_

_Increased heart rate_

_Hair loss_

_Nausea_

_Vertigo_

 

**Mental:**

_Mood swings_

_Feeling of unreality_

_Not trusting one's feelings or one's perception of reality_

_Strong emotional outbursts_

_Restlessness_

_Anxiety_

 

Continuation trial recommended: _Yes_

 

* * *

 

The third stage comes fast. Their body temperature drops to concerning levels and hormones flood their bodies. Caitlin keeps a closer look on them while they sleep now. Cameras get installed that film them tossing and turning or – which is scarier – laying completely still. They wake up freezing cold, shivering, shaking, teeth clattering, dreams crystal clear and cutting.

 

The only thing is: weeks pass and none of the dreamed incidents ever happen. Not one. But all three of the Sleepers insist that they are visions. It is not until one day that Iris has a dream about Joe, her father, when they connect the dots. It had been a simple dream, slow, undramatic. She had visited him in a nursing home.

 

“They're dreams of the faraway future,” Hartley concludes.

 

“Great,” Harrison says. “That will make it so much easier to prove they're real.”

 

If someone would ask Harrison he would tell them that he is still not completely on board with the whole seeing-the-future deal. Maybe they are simply medically inducing a bad case of mass hysteria in three people and they will get sued for it. Who knows what those sleeping pods really do to the human brain. Harrison for one is not quite sure.

 

But no one asks Harrison and if he is honest with himself he is not going to shut down the trials anytime soon. As long as Caitlin gives them the clear at least. He trusts her to keep an eye on the medical condition of the participants. He trust her more than Hartley and Cisco on that matter who have seemed to enter some frenemy territory that is just unsettling to everyone in the lab. They are working together and even pretty well but there is an undercurrent of tension and it is not unusual to stumble upon them screaming at each other about something. If you would try to interrupt them or sort out the conflict they would suddenly team up and scream at you that they are busy working and should be left alone. This mostly happens to Harrison who does not know if he should feel left out or jealous or anything. But most of the time he is happy that he can spend the breaks calmly drinking coffee with Caitlin instead of having never ending arguments with the two.

 

So he sits with Caitlin in the lounge up on the second floor of STAR Labs overlooking a park outside. She looks through some notes while taking sips from her cappuccino. He looks outside enjoying the silence. Spring is making its first appearance. After a mild winter the trees start to bloom already even though it is just the beginning of March, the air filled with promises of new beginnings, promises that each new year gives, and so rarely keeps.

 

* * *

 

Harrison had almost convinced himself that Cisco would not come back to his class ever again. Especially after that awkward meeting in the supermarket. But there he was. Sitting in the back, acting like he was not paying attention. Like always. After the class was finished he stayed there until all the other students had left the room. Harrison walked over to him. Cisco had not said a word during the whole class which was unusual. There was a stack of papers lying in front of him on the table.

 

“Here,” Cisco said. “You wanted to see it.”

 

“Your dissertation?” Harrison concluded.

 

“At least all I wrote until now. Most of it is still in here.” He tapped against his head.

 

The stack was high, at least two-hundred pages, Harrison guessed. That would be a lot of work. Cisco did not say anything else nor did he show the intention of getting up and going. He just looked down, ignoring Harrison.

 

“So, I'm just going to take this,” Harrison said and made his way back to the front with the papers under his arm. He was looking forward to digging into it, a small insight into Cisco's mind.

 

“Professor.” Harrison had been almost out of the door but he turned around again. Cisco was now looking straight ahead. Something was bothering him, Harrison could tell. And by the way he would not look at Harrison it had probably something to do with him. Cisco hesitated and then shook his head.

 

“Just don't show it to Rathaway. He keeps asking me about it,” Cisco said.

 

“Why should Rathaway want to see your work about,” Harrison looks at the first page, “Rocket science? That's not his field at all.”

 

Cisco slung his bag over his shoulder and came to Harrison, looking him in the face at last. “Exactly. That's why I'm worried.” With that he pushed past Harrison and stormed off.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> no spoilers but next chapter it's going down. what is "it"? Wait and see!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has some very graphic violence in it so proceed with caution.
> 
> “I enter'd on the deep and woody way”

He should do it. The thought doesn't leave Cisco for most of the day. He wakes up with it in the morning, the whole sentence the first thought after opening his eyes and it sticks. He should do it. At this point he had written so many pro and contra lists that it doesn't even feel real anymore. All the consequences, all the effects it could have seem so far away. All he can think about is that he should do it. He doesn't even need a reason anymore.

 

He wants to participate in the trial.

 

Well, not exactly. It's not like his motive is to collect more data for their study. He just needs to know what it's like. If he can discover something else, an answer, that the others haven't stumbled upon yet. And he is not interested in being studied by Hartley like a lab rat. And other persons on the team. He's afraid that what he might see in his dreams is not something he will want to share with them.

 

So, there is a plan, too. He'll just have to wait for the right time.

 

* * *

 

The Sleepers all have the same nightmare. Not in the same time but sooner or later all three of them say they dreamed about a monster, a giant, rising into the air above them, mumbling, speaking in a language they don't understand.

 

Harry suggest they should ban the Sleepers from talking to each other because he thinks they influence each other. It's not a bad idea but at the same time it's a horrifying idea because it's the only thing grounding them. If they can't talk to each other they'd probably go insane. But it does temper with the results. Hartley who shows surprisingly much sympathy for the Sleepers spends a week in turmoil until he decides that they will ask the Sleepers not to discuss detail of the dreams. But as long as this is his project he is not going to ban anything.

 

After the nightmare the Sleepers show signs of exhaustion after waking up. It gets worse and worse until they can't get out of the pods after waking up because they're bodies are so worn out. Ironically they sleep calmer than ever. But after waking up they have trouble lifting an arm.

 

It's also the first time that they don't wake up. Eventually they do but it doesn't seem to be something that can be influenced from the outside. They tried. The Sleepers talk about being stuck in a loop, having the same dream over and over again and being aware of it, being aware of the time that passes. They don't talk about how they wake up again.

 

Caitlin runs test after test. It visibly annoys her that she cannot find out why this is happening, how this is even possible. She looks just as worn out as the Sleepers after a week of running against walls and throwing tantrums. Cisco thinks that if this goes on Caitlin will start to believe in the supernatural.

 

“It's the only explanation,” She hisses while she stalks him down a corridor at Ramon Enterprises. They still go there from time to time. When responsibility calls. When it gets to crazy in the sleep lab.

 

“Caitlin, you'll find a scientific explanation,” Cisco tries to calm her down. “People always think that what they can't explain is magic. Aren't there any other tests you can run?”

 

“I'm not from the Middle Age thinking the sun revolves around the earth, Cisco,” She says. “This is not something scientists have ever seen before. Look,” She leans in closer. “Don't tell Hartley but I've been testing the water in the community. You know, asked around about other peoples experiences with dream studies without mentioning our results. No one has seen anything like this.”

 

“Or they're just not telling you,” Cisco reasons and stops in front of a room. “I've got a meeting now, but we can talk later. Maybe we just have to look at this from a more psychological angle. And maybe we really have to get someone new on the team. But we will find an explanation that is not 'their dreams are doing it to them'.”

 

Caitlin sighs and nods. Cisco knows that this is shaken her to her bones. As long as he has known Caitlin she has always opposed anything that came even close to spiritualism. That she is ready to believe there might be something like that involved now concerns Cisco. But it also strengthens his decision to try it himself, maybe then he'll be able to make connections they haven't thought about now. Maybe he can bring peace to Caitlin's mind.

 

* * *

 

They take a break for a week and Cisco sees his chance. He sneaks into the sleep lab when everyone is gone and starts the machines. He makes sure that cameras and devices that monitor his vital functions are off. He doesn't want to leave a trace that he was here. He is aware that this might be dangerous and it should bother him but it doesn't.

 

He climbs into one of the pods and closes his eyes. He hears the machine whirring around him. It's a quite soothing sound and he falls asleep quickly.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up on a strange shore, except that he doesn't wake up: he dreams. He's aware of that. So it's better to say: he opens his eyes. He is laying on a strange shore. There is sand in his hair and under his nails. He looks around. There is nothing but a sky overcast with dark clouds and wet sand stretching to the horizon. There is no water though he can hear waves breaking somewhere. There is no road, no grass, no people. He looks down and sees that he made an impression in the sand where he had lain. The impression is starting to fill with water. He stands up and starts to walk.

 

He is in a house and there is something on fire. He can smell it in the air. It's dark, he is in a corridor. He is in a room. There is a couch and person is sitting there. The person is on fire. The person doesn't scream or move. Cisco can't make out any details through the fire, everything covered in pulsing flames. The fire sounds like waves. The person is standing next to him, not on fire anymore, or better: not yet. Cisco knows the fire is yet to come. Even though the person isn't shrouded in flames anymore Cisco still can't perceive any features.

 

“There you are,” The person says. “You're late.”

 

“I'm sorry,” Cisco says. “I missed my train.” He speaks without thinking, the words just tumbling out of his mouth without making any sense in his brain. It's as if he is watching himself act on auto-pilot.

 

“Well, that's not a problem,” The person says. “We still have enough time.”

 

Cisco stands in a room. There is a person sitting on a couch. The person is on fire. The fire sounds like waves.

 

Cisco has sand in his mouth, he hears it crunch between his teeth.

 

Cisco sits down next to the person. They are alone in a dark room, the only light coming from the flames. The door opens. Cisco watches as someone enters the room that looks just like him. His dark long hair is wet and he got sand clinging to his clothes.

 

Cisco sees himself enter a room and there is fire. From where he is sitting on the couch he sees the fire reflect in his own eyes where he is standing opposite him. He looks to his side and there is no one sitting on the couch anymore. It's just him and he is on fire. He doesn't feel it, no burning, nothing. Just wet cold air.

 

He is standing next to himself. It's dark without the fire but he knows: the fire will come.

 

“What are you doing here?” He asks himself, again without control over what he is saying.

 

“I'm supposed to be here,” Cisco answers. “I'm supposed to meet someone.”

 

Somewhere in him he knows who he is talking about. Yes, he is supposed to meet someone. There is something in him and it's knocking on a door.

 

Cisco is standing on a sandy beach but he is slowly sinking. His whole feet have already disappeared into the slick sand. Panic closes his throat and he wants to move, to walk, to get away but his limbs are so heavy. He can hardly lift a hand, let alone his legs. So he sinks further down and down. His legs disappear, than his hips, his torso, his face. Then the sand closes over his head. But he doesn't stop moving. It's completely dark and he still feels himself glide deeper.

 

With the light comes the heat. It spreads through Cisco until he feels like his skin is too tight for his body. It stretches and especially over his face it feels like it's going to rip any second.

 

He is bedded in a stream of lava but he doesn't burn. He only dries out. There is steam coming from his skin, fading into the darkness overhead, all water evaporating from his body with a sizzling sound. He can't move his body but the stream is still taking him on his journey, and it feels like ages, like hours pass like this. He is aware that he is dreaming but his body still aches all over and he can feel the gooey lava flowing over his skin. It takes him a while to realize he is not alone. There is another body getting carried away by the stream along side him. He tries to catch glances whenever it is possible but it looks like the other person is just as unable to move as him. He sees dark hair and he thinks, Harry.

 

Then the person gets turned over by the stream and where their face should be – there is nothing. Just a pale spot. Cisco wants to look away but he can't close his eyes and the stream is carrying them closer and closer to each other. As he comes closer he sees that the skin over their face must have burned off from the lava, and what has looked so pale was bone. There is nothing but darkness in the eye sockets of the skull. Now there are sparks and the hair of the person catches fire. The lava rolls over the body and scraps away the clothes and the skin underneath and then the meat and the muscles. Cisco watches as shreds of pink gulp drift passed him, steadily dissolving.

 

Then the stream drifts them apart again, thankfully taking the body out of Cisco's view. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a dark spot like another body but it disappears just as quickly as it came. The stream goes slower and slower until it comes to a stop. He blinks up into the darkness and it must be the sky because there are stars appearing. Cisco lays there for a long time. The heat around him slowly dies down. More and more stars alight over him.

 

Then there is someone leaning over him, a hand stretched out to him and he takes it. The person hauls him out of the cooled down stream. It has become stone under him. Cisco looks down and sees two skin-colored hands clutching his own that is dark and solid.

 

There is a light streaming down on them and they are still hand in hand. Cisco doesn't know who the other person is but it doesn't matter. There is something floating down, out of the light. Cisco sees down on his body, sees it is gray in the light, completely made of stone. The other person looks alive and they're both watching this thing ascend. It has wings like an animal but the face of a human. It looks ugly, an ill shade of green, skinny but with too much skin that sags over its bones. It speaks but Cisco forgets the words as soon as he hears them. He is happy that he doesn't have to stand face to face with that thing, that he is not watching this through his body but with a safe distance from above, ignored from everyone. The other person listens intently, still holding Cisco hand clutched in theirs. Then they turn their head and look up to Cisco. Their eyes drill into him but he can't move away, and he also can't move his body that's trapped down there. He tries to move with all his strength, to do anything. But to no avail. A scream is ripping from his lungs and it is so loud it shakes the earth.

 

The Cisco under him, made of stone, splinters into thousand pieces.

 

The cold comes then. It doesn't start slowly, it hits Cisco full on, cuts in his flesh, blinds his senses. But the pain doesn't hold on long. He goes numb and closes his eyes.

 

In the dark there is peace. He is calm. He hears waves breaking somewhere. And birds. Slowly he opens his eyes. The light still blinds him but it's not as absolute as before. He blinks and then realizes that he is staring into the sun. He looks away, around himself to take in his surroundings. There is a lawn, a garden, an early summer day. He sits at an table on the lawn reading a science magazine. Not that he can actually read the articles, every time he tries and concentrates the letters dissolve in front of him. He is dreaming. He notices the ring on his right hand. He feels at peace.

 

“Do you need anything?” Comes a voice from behind him. He turns around and sees a house. Not too big but nice, with an open door that leads to the garden. He can hear someone clattering in the kitchen. He feels a surge of warmness in his chest.

 

“Just you,” He yells back. He hears distant laughter as an answer.

 

He lets his gaze drift over the different greens of the garden, framed in by hedges. Somewhere he still hears waves, the ocean can't be far away. He feels so safe here. To think that this belongs to him. And he knows that he belongs here, especially to that person bending down behind him now to wrap their arms around him.

 

“You're so cheesy, Cisco.” The person says.

 

“That's what you married,” He replies and leans his head back against their shoulder. He thinks that he knows that voice. Somewhere at the edge of his mind he is still aware that he is dreaming.

 

“I know,” The person says. They go on speaking but Cisco doesn't hear them anymore because there is wind rushing beside his ears, and he is falling now, falling really fast. He spreads his arms and legs like the people do it in the movies but it doesn't seem to help at all.

 

Then he hears a rumbling in the distance. As he comes closer he recognizes it as a voice. There is not much light around him, it looks like he is falling through gray mist so he cannot tell where the voice is coming from. But the longer he falls the louder it gets. After a while he can make out words in the deep rumble. The same few words over and over again.

 

“-PE-SA-PAPE-SA-EPPE-PE-SA-PAPE-SA-EPPE-PE-SA-PAPE-SA-EPPE-PE-SA-PAPE-SA-EPPE”

 

But the words don't make any sense to Cisco, only make him deeply uncomfortable. Now he sees something under him, rushing towards him. The ground? No. As he comes closer he can make out human shapes or at least humanoid. It's a giant. It's still too dark to make out any details except for a massive head with white eyes that watch him as he falls past it.

 

“PAPE SATAN PAPE SATAN ALEPPE”

 

He hits the ground. It is like landing on a trampoline. He gets catapulted up and lands in- his apartment? Cisco sighs. Of all the visions he could have. His apartment. What? Is going to dream about cooking mac'n'cheese at half past three in the morning? Revolutionary. Talking about anti-climatic.

 

He feels that he could take control over his body but he lets the dream play out. The doorbell rings. He gets the door and there is Caitlin, smiling brightly at him.

 

“I knew you would try to duck out of it, so I came to pick you up.” She sounds cheerful but the line between her eyebrows that indicates her level of worry with scientific certainty is deep.

 

“Do I really have to go?” Cisco asks, deeply annoyed even though he doesn't know what this is about. “Who would even miss me?”

 

“I would,” Caitlin says.

 

He lets her in with another deep sigh. Caitlin stalks into his apartment like she is on the hunt, scanning the place for who knows what.

 

“How are you doing?” She asks casually but Cisco sees right through her.

 

“I'm fine, Caitlin. They were just dreams.”

 

“Mmh,” Caitlin doesn't sound convinced. “Alright, do you have a suit?”

 

“What kind of question is that?” Cisco asks and leads her to his wardrobe.

 

“Do you have an appropriate suit?” Caitlin specifies a minute later.

 

“What about this?” Cisco asks and pulls out a black suit with a velvet jacket. “I don't do more low-key.”

 

“It's alright, I guess,” Caitlin says and laughs. “Now change, I'll wait in the living room.”

 

She leaves and Cisco is about to get out of his shirt when the doorbell rings again. Who could that be?

 

“Caitlin, can you get that?” He yells. But she doesn't make a sound and the doorbell rings again, this time more insistent.

 

“I swear to god-” Cisco says under his breath and goes out of the room. Weird. Caitlin isn't in the living room. She must have gone to the bathroom. He gets the door and there is Caitlin, smiling brightly at him.

 

“I knew you would try to duck out of it, so I came to pick you up.” She sounds cheerful but- but what the hell is she doing outside the apartment again? Cisco is too surprised to keep the words from tumbling out of his mouth.

 

“Do I really have to go?”

 

“Yes, you do.” Caitlin says firmly and pushes past him. She stalks into his apartment like she is on the hunt, scanning the place for who knows what.

 

“How are you doing?” She asks casually but Cisco is still too perplexed to really react.

 

“I'm fine,” He whispers and slowly closes the door.

 

“Mmh,” Caitlin says and throws him a questioning look. “You know, acting weird will not get you out of this. Do you have a suit?”

 

Cisco is still gaping at her and he has to remind himself that he is dreaming. Just go with it, he tells himself.

 

“Sure,” He finally says and leads Caitlin to his wardrobe.

 

“Do you have an appropriate suit?” Caitlin specifies a minute later.

 

“What about this?” Cisco asks and pulls out a black suit with a velvet jacket. “I don't do more low-key.”

 

“It's alright, I guess,” Caitlin says and laughs. “Now change, I'll wait in the living room.”

 

She exits the rooms and leaves Cisco staring after her. He doesn't even bother changing, he is too confused. The doorbell rings again.

 

It's Caitlin.

 

This time he follows a second after she left him to change. But in the moment where she left his view she must have disappeared. The doorbell rings again. He rips the door open violently and Caitlin jumps.

 

“Wow, Cisco. I knew you didn't want to go but that you're so upset about it?”

 

He closes the door again in front of her face. He hears her call his name from outside. Okay, very funny, he says in his head to- well to himself and his subconscious that graced him with this very new, very original idea. A time loop. Haven't seen this a million times or anything. He'll just have to break the loop. He opens the door again. Caitlin is still – again? - in front of it.

 

“Oh, I just wanted to ring.” She says surprised.

 

“Come in it's alright I'll go I'm fine let's go look at my suits,” Cisco says in one breath. She follows him inside the apartment with a confused look.

 

When they have decided on the – surprise – black suit with the velvet jacket, and Caitlin wants to excuse herself Cisco holds her back.

 

“Come on, we're long past false shame. I need you to tie my tie anyway.”

 

“How did you become the CEO of a company without being able to tie your own tie?” Caitlin asks.

 

“Jackie does it for me,” Cisco says defensively.

 

“That poor girl,” Caitlin says and walks towards the door. “I'll tie your tie later.”

 

“I pay her handsomely for it. Hey, wait!” But too late, Caitlin is already out of his sight. And the doorbell rings again.

 

This goes on for a while. Cisco tries all he can think of. He doesn't open the door at all but gets too annoyed at the constant ringing. He takes Caitlin's hand and doesn't let go until she punches him. He tries to walk out of the apartment but when he follows the hallway outside he just gets to another door that leads back into his apartment. He tries to talk Caitlin out of going where they are supposed to be going but she is relentless. He tries countless times. He looses all feeling of time.

 

The doorbell rings again. He is standing in the kitchen in front of the sink and watches the water run. There has been another solution nagging at his mind the whole time. It works in many movies and that's enough prove for Cisco. The doorbell is still ringing, the noise cutting into his brain. He has a feeling the longer he ignores it, the louder it gets. He opens a drawer. He grips a knife. He had considered the window but his apartment is not high enough. The irony is that this is not the first time he had thought about this. He had never tried, never came so close to the edge, but in the years where he had felt especially useless, like no one cared about him anyway, when nightmares had plagued his every sleeping hour, he had thought about it. And now he'd get to do it after all.

 

He rests the blade on one of his forearms. He'd have to cut deep. The doorbell is still ringing. Now he really regrets not keeping a gun in his apartment.

 

First there is blood, the pain comes later.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “for each star is falling now,  
> that mounted at our entrance”

It is just a coincidence that Harrison goes down in the sleep lab that night. He is as usual the last one to leave STAR Labs and he is almost out of the door when he remembers he forgot some files there he wanted to go over at home. There is no trial tonight so he expects to find the sleep lab empty but there are some lights on and one of the pods is occupied, the machine quietly humming. He goes over there to check if maybe someone forgot to shut it off after some test runs.

 

He finds Cisco.

 

But Cisco is not sleeping, he looks rather unconscious; a convulsive tremor running through his body.

 

“Oh shit,” Harrison says and hits the emergency button. Of course Cisco separated this pod from the main frame or his vital functions would have already triggered it.

 

It takes Caitlin and her team twenty minutes to arrive and Harrison spends them terrified, clutching Cisco hand, not stupid enough to try anything on his own.

 

When Caitlin arrives they get Cisco on a bed in the med bay and she examines him. The tremor has evolved into almost a seizure and Harrison thinks, maybe this is it. He should not have agreed to a study with human subjects. He should not have let Cisco get away with not disclosing to the team that he has the gene. He should have supported him more. He should have-

 

Hartley burst into the room.

 

“What's happening here?” He freezes at the sight of Cisco. “What was he doing?”

 

“He got the gene, too,” Harry hears himself say. Caitlin nods when Hartley throws her a questioning look.

 

“He went under on his own,” Hartley concludes. “He's risking the whole study.”

 

“That's not important now,” Harrison barks out, because Cisco is shaking violently under his hands, unconscious, and he looks to Caitlin to tell him what is going on here, how this could happen.

 

“We'll sedate him,” She says finally and gives the nurse instructions.

 

* * *

 

Cisco is running down a dark street. He can barely see the path, only a glimmer of light in front of him, and he runs and runs. He has to. He doesn't know why, only that he cannot stop. Around him there is nothing, there is a deep dark forest, there is blackness, and behind him- he doesn't look back. He only runs. His heart is racing and his lungs are screaming bloody murder at him, but he has to move forward. The air is biting cold and he can hardly take it in, every breath strangling him, the taste of blood in his mouth.

 

* * *

 

Cisco's eyelids flutter and there is white behind them. Suddenly he curls on the side and Harrison takes a step back, surprised, scared. Cisco is still twitching but it is less like a seizure more like exhaustion.

 

“Cisco? Cisco can you hear me?” Harrison says and steps back to the bed.

 

There is a cough and then blood on the pillow.

 

“He shouldn't be unconscious anymore,” Caitlin says looking at a monitor with the brain waves.

 

“This looks pretty unconscious to me,” Hartley says.

 

“Go wait outside, Hartley,” Caitlin says her voice calm and professional. “You too, Harrison. There is nothing you can do here.”

 

* * *

 

Cisco is pushing through an ocean of people. They are standing tightly packed, strange lights overhead, and no one seems to notice Cisco. He doesn't care for them either, just knows that he has to get through here, and pushes and shoves until there is a way for him. There are hands reaching for him, holding him but he shakes them off.

 

“Cisco!”

 

* * *

 

“Cisco,” Harrison says again and shakes him by the shoulders.

 

“Harrison, please.” Caitlin tries to usher him out but suddenly Cisco turns on his back again, eyes trained on Harrison. His heart skips a beat because Cisco is looking at him but somehow not at all. He seems very far away. There is a whine escaping his throat.

 

“Alright, keep talking to him,” Caitlin says and leaves him.

 

“Cisco, can you hear me?” Harrison takes one of Cisco's hands in his. “I need you to do something for me, okay? Come back. Please, just come back.”

 

Cisco's head twitches to the side and there is more blood trickling out of the corner of his mouth. He still looks at Harrison, through Harrison and he makes sounds. Harrison leans down and there are words slowly forming a sentence:

 

“Stop, please. Make it stop.”

 

Harrison does not know how he keeps it together. He keeps talking nonsense, keeps holding Cisco's hand, while Caitlin prepares a syringe.

 

* * *

 

The crowd has become fuzzy, no it's Cisco vision that's starting to go black at the edges, but he is sure now, he knows who this voice belongs to and he keeps pushing forward, keeps running to that voice, to Harry, he must be here somewhere between the people. He can barely stumble on by now, he's whole chest feels like it is burning up, but he keeps on going.

 

* * *

 

Caitlin injects the sedative and slowly the tremors die down. Cisco's breath comes out in small gasps and his eyes are still wide open. After a minute he blinks and looks at Harrison, really looks at him and tightens his hand around Harrison's.

 

“Cisco,” Harrison says relieved, thankful.

 

“That's not my name,” Cisco says.

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Sad once were we,  
> In the sweet air made gladsome by the sun,”

It had become winter, the semester drawing to a close with exams looming ahead. Harrison had read Ramon's draft of his dissertation, all beautiful, spiraling, detailed pages of it and he was not sure if it was some of the best science he had ever read or if he was simply infatuated.

 

(Simply. There was nothing simple about it.)

 

He sent Ramon a very diplomatically worded email that he'll have to cut it to half its size. And that he should come to his office to discuss it further. He was not sure at all about this.

 

Ramon came to his office the next day, looking like he was not so sure himself.

 

They talked and Harrison was glad he did not have to teach any more classes that day. After a while Ramon seemed to relax and they went through his math page for page. When Harrison looked up the next time it was the middle of the night but Ramon showed no sign of tiredness. His eyes burned while he explained his thoughts and Harrison tried to break them down in something understandable. Ramon started drawing graphs and pictures on any piece of paper he could find on Harrison's desk and Harrison had to be fast to save important documents.

 

He used the chance to watch Ramon. It was not a privilege he allowed himself often; especially not in class. But here where no one could see them and Ramon was too busy to notice Harrison watched him; studied the slope of his nose, the line of his jaw, his dark eyelashes, his full lips and the way he bit on his lower lip when he was concentrated, his hands, the way his fingers ran through his hair to keep it out of his face, the way light reflected from his dark hair and how it curled over his shoulders. Harrison thought that he would never get tired of this.

 

Ramon looked up, one corner of his mouth tugged up in a small smile. He knows, Harrison thought.

 

“You understand what I mean?” Ramon asked.

 

“Yes,” Harrison answered.

 

“The last professor I showed this thought I was crazy.”

 

“You're not,” Harrison said simply. “You just need to work on how you express your thoughts.”

 

When the sun went up again Ramon stretched with a yawn.

 

“Let's get some breakfast.”

 

Harrison followed him because there was really no point fighting it anymore. Ramon wrapped himself in a ridiculous large scarf against the icy winds outside. On their way over the campus his fingers brushed over Harrison's hand. Harrison felt like laughing but there was no sound coming over his lips.

 

They sat down in some diner far away from campus and ordered coffee, and waffles for Ramon. Harrison knew he was smiling for no reason and his sleep deprived mind kept telling him to just reach over the table. It was foolish. It would be a very stupid thing to do. But it was the only thing Harrison wanted right now and he knew that everything that had played out between Ramon and him had been leading up to this.

 

“Ramon,” He started.

 

“Call me Cisco, for god's sake,” Cisco answered already scribbling notes on a napkin again.

 

“Cisco,” Harrison said and leaned over the table and kissed him. Cisco went still.

 

“Not now,” He murmured against Harrison lips and achieved to sound annoyed even though he had dropped his pen and leaned into Harrison again right after his words.

 

It was soft. It was quiet and calm. Harrison fell in love like one falls asleep. You never remember when or how it happened.

 

Harrison broke off the kiss. Cisco opened his eyes slowly, lips still parted, and Harrison closed his hand over Cisco's. The waitress arrived, cheerful and clattering with their cups. She smiled at them brightly. Harrison thanked her and looked back at Cisco who was still looking at him.

 

“Took you long enough,” Cisco said and dropped his gaze. Harrison rolled his eyes and picked up his coffee cup. The sun appeared over the trees. Other customers came and went. Their hands were still joined on the table.

 

* * *

 

Cisco was lounging on the couch, browsing through Central City Science but none of the articles caught his eye. He was bored out of his mind. He was still only in his underwear, following the April sun through the room for warmth.

 

“Do you have anything here I should wash?” Harry asked. He leaned in the door frame with a clothes basket in his arms.

 

Cisco didn't look up from the magazine. “I don't have any clothes at your house. Harry.”

 

“Yes, you do,” Harry replied. “You're bad at hiding them. And don't call me that.”

 

Cisco looked up slowly. Okay, Harry didn't look mad. That was a good sign. “Maybe my jeans,” He said finally. “They're in the bathroom, I think.”

 

“Okay,” Harry said and disappeared again.

 

Cisco sighed and dropped his head on the magazine. Yes, he had been hiding a change of clothes in Harry's house. He stayed over often enough that it was the practical thing to do. But being upfront about it would have made this- thing between them into something more defined, into something real. Cisco had thought it would spook Harry. And it had scared himself. When he was in the moment and didn't think about it Harry felt like the best thing to ever happen to him. He hadn't been this happy in a long time. He had never been this in love.

 

But whenever his brain kicked in he got scared. What was he hoping this would become? A relationship? That it would stay like this after Cisco had graduated. Maybe even moved to another city for a job. That he would stay in Central City for Harry? Cisco knew that Harry hadn't been involved with a student before but at the same time he couldn't believe that Harry took their- thing as seriously as Cisco did. Felt as much as Cisco did.

 

And even if. Even if Harry would want to make this work longtime. Cisco wasn't so sure if he could do it. Sometimes it was the only thing he wanted. Other times the voice of the world was louder, calling him, luring him with promises of adventures, fame and glory. Cisco was aware that commitment meant different things to Harry and him. Cisco could hardly commit to a favorite take-out place, committing to a person felt rather overwhelming when he didn't even knew what he wanted in life.

 

Cisco felt the couch dip and then there was a hand on his back, slowly stroking up and down. He relaxed gradually. He couldn't imagine how his life would look like after he graduated. But the stream of time was carrying him there without listening to him begging to stop, to make this carefully arranged equilibrium last a bit longer.

 

“You shouldn't worry so much,” Harry murmured above him. Cisco just grumbled. “What's on your mind?”

 

Cisco could never tell Harry about his worries. Never. It would either hurt him or not which would hurt Cisco in turn.

 

“I have to present my dissertation next week,” Cisco lied.

 

“Poor boy,” Harry said and pressed a kiss on Cisco's neck. “Do you want to go over it again or do you want to be distracted?”

 

“Distraction, please,” Cisco said.

 

Harry chuckled and pushed his hand under the fabric of Cisco's boxers. “When you ask so nicely.”

 

* * *

 

When Cisco did not answers his calls anymore and he had not seen him for a week Harrison stopped Rathaway before he could leave class. The new semester had just started and Rathaway was set on doing his third major because, why not.

 

“Where is your friend?” Harrison asked him.

 

Rathaway looked confused but then his eyes widened. “Cisco?” He asked. “Are you joking?”

 

“Do I look like I'm joking?” Harrison said and there was a sinking feeling in his stomach. This was not good.

 

“He didn't tell you?” Rathaway said, his eyes growing wider and wider behind his glasses. “He got that offer in Beijing.”

 

“I know,” Harrison said defensively.

 

“He took it,” Hartley adds. “His flight was yesterday.”

 

It is amazing how the world just goes on, Harrison thought. He must look stupid, standing there speechless. Judging by the look of pity on Rathaway's face he must look really stupid.

 

“Okay,” Harrison said and breathed in. “Okay. Thank you.” He turned around. He heard Rathaway leaving the room and then he was alone. He gathered his belongings because what else was there to do.

 

What did he think? What did he expect? At least he did not tell Cisco that he loved him. At least he did not give away that much of himself.

 

Then: He should have told Cisco he loved him. Maybe he would have stayed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is halftime, guys. pop a bottle of your favorite drink and celebrate with me. to everyone who sticked around this long, especially those who comment again and again, i thank you from the bottom of my heart. the second part of this story will kick off with a conversation that has been long overdue.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Carrying a foul and lazy mist within:  
> Now in these murky settlings are we sad.”

Cisco spends a week in a bed in the med bay. Caitlin won't let him leave, has him under 24 hour surveillance. He tells her that he feels fine. She tells him that he doesn't look fine. After that week she finally clears him for a talk with Hartley who has been sneaking around the med bay the whole time trying to get some answers from Cisco.

 

Cisco sits down in one of their interview rooms, this time the other side of the table and he never noticed before now how similar tointerrogation roomsthese look. Hartley comes inside and sits down opposite, slapping a notepad on the table. Cisco knows there is a camera pointed at him.

 

“So, start from the beginning,” Hartley says.

 

“I was at a beach,” Cisco starts and he remembers this all with a startling clarity. “And then I was in a house and someone was on fire.” Not that he'll make it easy on Hartley though. He dreamed! He dreamed again after years and years. Most of it pretty terrifying shit to be honest but nonetheless, dreams. “I don't know. I think I was waiting for someone. I wanted to meet someone.”

 

Hartley watches him intently, playing with the pencil in his hand.

 

“And then I sank through the beach, into a- volcano.”

 

“A volcano?” Hartley raises his eyebrows.

 

“Yeah, I guess,” Cisco says. “Lots of lava and stuff.”

 

“So, that's second stage. Natural disasters.” Hartley makes a note.

 

“You really think we can break it down in 'stages'?” Cisco asks, unconvinced.

 

“Sure. First stage we have dreams with heavy symbolic imagery plus low level visions. Second stage: natural disasters that are going to happen. In your case volcanic eruption, I guess. Was there anyone with you?”

 

Hartley posses the question wholly innocently but Cisco hesitates. This is why he wanted to do this on his own. Now he'll have to spill his guts in front of a camera, possibly the after-world and worst of all, Hartley.

 

“Yes, I think Harry,” Cisco says finally because he can't bring himself to lie to Hartley.

 

Hartley looks up and studies Cisco's face. “Interesting,” He notes something and Cisco swears he does it just to rile him up. “You know, there is a pattern. With Barry dreaming about Iris, you dreaming about-”

 

“Yes, and Linda and Iris dreamed about fucking strangers. It's a coincident,” Cisco says. “Anyway, I'm not sure if it was him. His face was already- gone.” He shivers at the memory.

 

“Gone? What do you mean?” Hartley asks.

 

“Burned off from the lava,” Cisco snaps. It leaves Hartley speechless for a second and then his eyes soften and he looks down on his notepad.

 

“I'm sorry I have to put you through this again,” He says and Cisco almost believes it is heartfelt. “It would help if you could describe the situation as detailed as possible.”

 

Cisco isn't really in the mood for that. He just adds, “I think there was a second person but I didn't really see them. Anyway, then there was this- I don't know what it was. It had wings but a human face. And it talked to me. Then it got really cold.”

 

“Third stage,” Hartley says. “We still can't explain what causes the sudden drop in body temperature. But it comes with dreams of the very faraway future. What did you see, Cisco?”

 

Cisco looks down to hide the smile that is spreading over his face. Just for that dream it had been worth it, to see that this is what is lying ahead of him. That he'll find this quiet, small peace that is all his. And he knows it's going to happen. He schools his features and looks at Hartley again.

 

“Um, I was in a garden,” He says. “The backyard of my house, actually. I was reading a magazine. And I was married.” He traces his finger where the ring had been.

 

Hartley eyebrows shoot up. “Really?” He asks. “Now that's interesting. To whom?”

 

“Well, definitely not you,” Cisco says but Hartley just rolls his eyes. “I don't know. They were there but I didn't get a look.”

 

“Alright, whatever,” Hartley says scribbling furiously on his notepad. “Good for you, I guess. And then?”

 

“I was falling. And there was this giant.”

 

“Ah, stage four,” Hartley says. “Did you hear what he said. The others never understood him.”

 

Cisco shrugs. “It wasn't English or Spanish. Honestly I think it was nonsense. The only word I could understand was 'Satan'.”

 

“Satan?” Hartley asks.

 

“Yes, Satan.”

 

“As in the devil?” Hartley furrows his brows.

 

“Yes, that's what I heard,” Cisco answers.

 

“And you're sure you remember this correctly?” Hartley presses on.

 

“Oh my god, Hartley. Yes. Believe me or not. I don't care.” Cisco knows the implications behind that, how much bullshit they might get when they publish this study and there is going to be a mention, however minor, about the devil himself in it. The crazy will crawl out of the woodwork and they'll have a fun time watching their results be used and twisted in the most absurd ways. But that doesn't mean Hartley has to act like Cisco doesn't know what he is talking about.

 

Hartley sighs and draws something on his notepad. Cisco takes a closer look at it. He can't read what Hartley wrote in his stupid small handwriting but right now he is actually drawing a flower. He grips the pencil so hard his knuckles turn white.

 

“Could be- No, just the, it's just,” Hartley mutters. “It's just his subconscious making connections. Yes. It's not- No, we can-”

 

“Hartley?” Cisco asks slightly concerned suddenly.

 

“What happened next?” Hartley asks with a bright smile.

 

“I was thrown into a time loop,” Cisco says. He describes the situation that he had experience again and again.

 

“When did it stop?” Hartley asks looking like he got himself under control again.

 

“It didn't,” Cisco says. “I killed myself.”

 

His words are followed by silence. Hartley stares at him with wide eyes. “The others,” He says slowly. “The others they said it just- it just stopped.”

 

“They're lying,” Cisco says coldly. “Ask them again.” The pity in Hartley's eyes make Cisco feel sick. It's just a thing that happened. It was a dream, nothing more. And he kind of understands the urge not to talk about it but that wouldn't do anything good. Except maybe keep Hartley from looking at Cisco as if he wants to wrap him in a blanket and sick Caitlin on him again, this time to pick apart his mental health.

 

“Get over it, Rathaway,” Cisco says and leans back in his chair. “After that I was running.”

 

“Where to?” Hartley asks.

 

“I don't know. It was dark, I couldn't stop. I think I was in a forest. And you know what,” Cisco says and leans forward again to get Hartley's attention who still seems to be stuck on the time loop thing. “You're right. This is something big. I could feel it behind the trees. I think we could know everything. Not just get random visions of the future. The forest is the key. If I could just open my mind to it.” He shakes his head, disappointed at himself. “I'll have to try it again.”

 

Hartley contemplates Cisco's words for a while. “So you truly believe it,” He says finally. “That you and the others are seeing the future?”

 

“Yes,” Cisco says. “I don't just believe it. I know it.”

 

“Alright,” Hartley says relieved. “Good. So was that the end of your dreams? Do you remember anything else from that night?”

 

Cisco hesitates. This was again something he'd rather not tell Hartley and the camera. “I was pretty scared while I was running. I think I had to find my way back to- well, what is reality anyway, right? I had to find my way back here.”

 

“How did you do it?”

 

“Let's just say I had a guiding light,” Cisco says.

 

Hartley pouts obviously seeing right through Cisco's omission of the truth. But he doesn't press further. Instead he asks, “And when you woke up?”

 

“I don't know what to tell you? I was out pretty long, right? Almost a day. I could remember everything.” 

 

“No,” Hartley says. “When you woke up the same night. Before Caitlin gave you the sedative.”

 

“What are you talking about? I don't remember that,” Cisco says and he doesn't like the way Hartley's brows furrow at all.

 

Hartley doesn't say anything. He puts a tablet in front of Cisco and starts the video on it. It's the video feed from the med bay. Cisco can see himself laying in the bed, shaking uncontrollably. Caitlin and nurses running around him. And Harry, right next to him, holding his hand. Cisco's heart aches a little. Harry had been there for him.

 

After a while the Cisco on the video calms down. He looks at Harry and says something. Harry freezes visibly. Then he lets go of Cisco's hand and walks out of the room. After that Cisco just lays in the bed completely still but with open eyes, watching the people around him. Caitlin tries to talk to him, shines a light in his eyes, measures his pulse but Cisco doesn't react except to stare at her.

 

The scene remembers Cisco of something. It remembers him of his dream when he had looked down on himself made of stone, with that person next to him who pulled him out of the lava. He had looked down on himself just as he is now.

 

Hartley pauses the video.

 

“What did I say?” Cisco asks quietly. His hands are shaking suddenly.

 

“Harrison called you by your name. You said, 'That's not my name.'”

 

“I don't remember any of that.” Cisco swallows. “How long was I like that.”

 

“A while,” Hartley answers. “You didn't react. You didn't go back to sleep. Caitlin gave you a sedative in the end.”

 

Cisco rubs his hands over his face. He doesn't know what this means. His brain can't keep up anymore and that's a first in a long time.

 

“I have to ask you one thing, Hart,” He finally says. “Did you know I have the gene when you came to me with this?”

 

Hartley leans back with a smile on his face. “Of course. What? You think I'm stupid?” He crosses his arms and quirks an eyebrow. “I mean you seem to forget that we actually knew each other ten years ago. You told me that as a child you dreamed of monsters, moving at lightning speed, just a streak in the dark.”

 

“I told you about that?” Cisco asks.

 

“Yes. Cisco. You knew things. Things no one should be able to know. Things that were going to happen. You didn't really worry about it back then. I don't event think you realized what was going on. You always said you had a gut feeling.”

 

“Yeah,” Cisco says confused as to where Hartley was going with this. “I like to rely on my instincts. They're usually right.”

 

“That's what I thought, too,” Hartley says. “But then I met Iris and I found out about the gene. About people seeing their future in dreams. It made me think of you. You always complained about nightmares.”

 

“Yes, but I never had a real vision.” Cisco says.

 

“Neither did Barry,” Hartley retorts. “No, you had something different. You could extract knowledge about the future from your dreams without even realizing it. That was of course until you dulled your mind with all those drugs.”

 

Cisco is speechless. How did Hartley figure this out before him?

 

“I didn't want to put pressure on you,” Hartley continues. “So I just- made you the offer to join and waited what would happen.”

 

“Wow,” Cisco stutters. “I think I need a minute. Honestly, I'm beginning to think I don't really remember anything from ten years ago.”

 

“Honestly, me, too,” Hartley mumbles so quiet that Cisco almost doesn't catch it. Before Cisco can ask what the hell he means with that Hartley gets up and collects his notes. “That's it for now, I think. Try to get some rest.” And with that Hartley is out of the room.

 

Cisco follows him slower. Outside Harry is waiting for him.

 

“What's going on?” He asks as he sees Cisco's worried look.

 

Cisco shakes his head. “Nothing. Just- I think I forgot something important.”

 

He looks back at Harry who leans against the wall with crossed arms. And it hits him suddenly. He loves him. He really does. Cisco thinks that it shouldn't be so simple, that this realization shouldn't come in some corridor when Harry is obviously mad at Cisco.

 

“You're here,” Cisco notes because of course he can't say anything smooth to save his life.

 

“I am,” Harry answers. Cisco has to suppress a grin. They're quite the pair. “I wanted to see how you are.”

 

“Took you a week until you got curious?” Cisco says and maybe he is a bit upset that Harry didn't show his face at all while he was suffering from boredom in the med bay.

 

Harry looks away, looks at the ground, clenches his jaw. Cisco should say something to make this better but all the words get stuck in his throat.

 

“You could have asked me,” Harry says finally. “Or Caitlin. I get that you might not be comfortable taking part in the study. But what you did was stupid. Reckless.”

 

He has a point. And that riles Cisco up. “I survived, alright,” He snaps back.

 

“You scared me there,” Harry says quietly. He still doesn't look at Cisco, and Cisco realizes that this is Harry admitting that he still cares, through clenched teeth but still. He is still here. Has been the whole time. Cisco's anger is gone momentarily.

 

“I'm sorry,” He says. That's a beginning, right?

 

Harry doesn't say anything but he looks at Cisco again. Cisco reaches out and touches his arm; it's the barest touch, just his fingertips brushing over the fabric of Harry's sweater.

 

“What happened to us?” Cisco says. Because he truly doesn't know. How did they end up here with all those good intentions. Harry's eyes are cold and distant behind his glasses.

 

“You left."


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “To rear me was the task of power divine,  
> supremest wisdom, and primeval love.”

Cisco feels awful, his head is pounding and he has already thrown up twice today. He still went to the meeting so there is no one to blame but himself for suffocating in this sticky conference room now. But this is about him. About taking part in the study.

 

“It's the only logical thing to do here,” He explains for the xth time, pacing through the room. “I can't stop now. And you already got my first confession anyway.”

 

“They're not- Don't call them that,” Hartley says appalled.

 

“You said you didn't want to take part in the study,” Caitlin says. She hates his idea of course.

 

“So I changed my mind,” Cisco says. “That happens.”

 

“Yes, you did because you brain is not functioning normally anymore,” Caitlin says. “You went through what the others went through in several weeks in one night. Your body released such a high and disturbingly mixed dose of hormones we could measure it days after.”

 

“You're telling me I'm not acting rationally?” Cisco asks.

 

“You are literally not in your right mind, Cisco,” She says. She looks worried. And tired. Cisco knows she has probably not slept much in the last week, or the last weeks in general. This project was straining her before her best friend got involved in the trouble.

 

“It happened to all the other Sleepers,” Hartley chimes in now. “You've seen it. You've seen what happened to Barry.”

 

Cisco clenches his teeth. He'd really like to punch Hartley now but he keeps it together. No need to appear more unstable than necessary. But Hartley didn't choose Barry as an example by accident. Barry who fell in love with Iris again even though he was over her long ago. Barry who also fell out of love again in a span of weeks. Barry who says it was just something confusing him during the first two stages.

 

Harry hasn't said anything the whole time.

 

“Alright. What do you think I should do?” Cisco asks. “Wait until my body stabilizes? Forget this ever happened?”

 

“Is that so bad?” Caitlin asks.

 

Cisco sighs and then turns to Hartley. He really didn't want to bring this one. “Hartley. You, and the head of your medical staff are obviously worried about me taking part in your study because it could have negative effects on my health. But you don't worry about your other participants?”

 

Hartley's mouth drops open. “Are you threatening me?”

 

Cisco shrugs. “Just saying. If anything happens and it comes to light that you knew about the possibility... Not good for the reputation.”

 

Hartley blinks at him, still in shock. Caitlin fumes and wants to say something when Harry interrupts her.

 

“Let him.” Harry gets up from his chair. “He's right. He's not in more danger than any of the others. And, Caitlin, you cleared them. Of course we don't know what it will do them in the long run but if he wants to take the risk, let him.” He walks over to Cisco and looks down on him. “Why do you want this so bad?”

 

Cisco's heart is in his throat and his head is dizzy and he knows that it's not him, it's just his body betraying him. He swallows. “I know there is something. I have to find it. I have to find that person from my dreams.”

 

“The one you where supposed to meet in the house?” Harry asks and of course he has seen the interview about Cisco's dreams. That means he knows about the lava stream. That means he knows Cisco dreamed about his happily married future. Thoughts chase each other through Cisco's head but they don't add up to anything. He nods, swallowing again. Damn, his mouth his dry.

 

Harry studies his face for a moment longer, then he turns around and walks out of the room. Caitlin jumps up, too.

 

“I have somewhere to be,” She says fast. “Another thing.”

 

She storms after Harry, leaving Cisco with Hartley who is massaging his temples. Cisco throws him a cautious look. In the end it is him who has to decide if Cisco can get into one of those pods again.

 

“You'll have to get off your meds,” Hartley says finally without looking at Cisco. “Caitlin says, they are why you got to the fourth stage in one night.” He stands. “I was hoping you would do it, Cisco, but- I still worry, too.”

 

There is a feeling like fondness spreading through Cisco's chest but he quashes it instantly. Oh no, no matter how many weird hormones are flooding his brain this is not gonna happen.

 

“Noted,” He snarls back and leaves the room.

 

He decides it is time to swing by his office again. At the reception desk Patty from security burrows her head in a magazine. He goes over to her, leaning on the counter on the other side.

 

“Oh, hi boss.” She smiles brightly.

 

“How's school?” He asks her. Patty has been taking evening glasses to get a science degree. She could never afford to go to college because she had to take care of her family after her father died. Cisco admires her determination to not give up on her passion for science. He often gets stuck in the reception before or after his workday just talking to her. She is a smart girl and Cisco had been considering to sponsor her education if she would promise to come working for him. But then the whole dream study craziness began and he never got around to give her the offer.

 

“It's going well,” She says. “You know you're in the paper?” She holds up the magazine she's been reading. It's a copy of Central City Science. Right, Cisco remembers a journalist being ushered through the sleep lab for an exclusive view of the newest study in STAR Labs. Hartley knows how to do public relations, he had to give him that.

 

“Is there a picture?” Cisco asks, peeking into the magazine.

 

“Sadly not,” Patty says. “Apparently it's all very hush hush.”

 

“That's Hartley Rathaway for you,” Cisco tells her. “Paranoid extraordinaire.”

 

“Come on, Cisco,” She whispers conspiratorially. “You know I'll keep my mouth shut. Do they really see the future in their dreams?”

 

“Okay, but only because it is you,” Cisco sighs and leans further over to counter to whisper, “Yes, they do.”

 

Patty's eyes widen. “Do they have nightmares, too? Like, reoccurring ones?”

 

“What do you mean?” Cisco asks slowly.

 

“I don't know,” Patty says and laughs lightly but there is an undercurrent of something heavier in her voice. “About insects or something?” She makes a face as if what she is talking about is crazy but Cisco's blood freezes.

 

“Patty, how do you know about that?”

 

“Really, they do?” She asks, her eyebrows rising higher and higher. Then she collects herself and nods, “I think I have those kind of dreams, too.”

 

Cisco feels his heart sinking. Not her, he thinks and he doesn't even know why. It's not like it is a bad thing. Except for the nightmares of course. But still. It doesn't feel like a gift from the universe either.

 

“When your father-?” Cisco asks quietly.

 

“Yeah,” Patty says. She hesitates. “I never thought much about it until I read the article.”

 

“We'll test your DNA,” Cisco says and puts a hand on her arm to comfort her. “Let's get down to Dr. Snow and she'll take a blood sample.”

 

“Dr. Snow?” Patty asks. “I don't think she's in.”

 

“Weird. She left STAR Labs in a hurry; said she had a meeting. I just assumed it would be here.”

 

Patty checks the system. “No, she hasn't been here the whole day. Unless she sneaked past me.”

 

“I don't think that's possible,” Cisco says and it earns a small laugh from Patty. She tries to hide it but she looks nervous. “It'll be alright,” Cisco says and hopes.

 

* * *

 

Harry doesn't win the Nobel Prize after all but Central City feels so bad about its favorite renowned scientist that city officials decide to honor him with a key to the city. Harry doesn't look quite as happy about it but that's maybe just because he has other things on his mind. They all have. Except for Hartley who thinks it's a perfect opportunity for networking and promotion. Of course they all go to the event anyway. To support Harry. Cisco knows it would be a start to get on Harry's good graces again but just the idea of having to dress up and have chit-chat with Central City's wealthiest makes him nauseous.

 

He is lying on his couch playing candy crush when the doorbell rings. He gets the door and there is Caitlin, smiling brightly at him.

 

“I knew you would try to duck out of it, so I came to pick you up.” She sounds cheerful but the line between her eyebrows that indicates her level of worry with scientific certainty is deep.

 

“Do I really have to go?” Cisco asks, deeply annoyed. “Who would even miss me?”

 

“I would,” Caitlin says.

 

He lets her in with another deep sigh. Caitlin stalks into his apartment like she is on the hunt, scanning the place for who knows what.

 

“How are you doing?” She asks casually but Cisco sees right through her.

 

“I'm fine, Caitlin. They were just dreams.”

 

“Mmh,” Caitlin doesn't sound convinced. “Alright, do you have a suit?”

 

“What kind of question is that?” Cisco asks and leads her to his wardrobe.

 

“Do you have an appropriate suit?” Caitlin specifies a minute later.

 

“What about this?” Cisco asks and pulls out a black suit with a velvet jacket. “I don't do more low-key.”

 

“It's alright, I guess,” Caitlin says and laughs. “Now change, I'll wait in the living room.”

 

Caitlin leaves and suddenly there is no air in his lungs anymore. This is it. This is it. He wondered when this moment would come. And then he didn't even realize it until it was over. He looks up from the suit in his hands like he is expecting something. The ringing of the doorbell. It won't come, he tells himself. This is not a dream. He is awake and this is not a dream. If he would go to the living room Caitlin would be there waiting for him. She would be there. Not in front of the door again.

 

He tells himself to breathe but it's hard. He thinks about dying. He thinks about lying on his kitchen floor while thick warm blood runs down his arms. That was just a dream.

 

A dream.

 

Then there is motion and Caitlin flings her arms around him and she is crying and saying over and over that she is sorry. He lets her words guide him back and slowly but surely breathing gets easier.

 

“I should have known,” She sobs. “I'm sorry, Cisco. I promised you I wouldn't let it happen. I should have realized it sooner.”

 

He strokes her back. “I don't think we could have realized it sooner. It was supposed to happen.”

 

She slaps him lightly on the arm. “Don't talk like that. You know I would defy destiny for you.”

 

“Yeah, I know,” He says and the coldness in his chest leaves.

 

“We should stay in,” Caitlin says, wiping away the tears from her face.

 

“No. I'd rather get out of here.” He pushes Caitlin in the direction of the bathroom. “Clean up. I already got a date for tonight anyway. If I cancel on her again I think she'll actually kill me.”

 

“A date?” Caitlin asks like it's the most ridiculous thing she ever heard while she leans in the doorway to the bathroom.

 

“Yeah,” Cisco shrugs. “You're going with your new flame, aren't you? I didn't want to show up alone so I asked Lisa.”

 

Caitlin lets out a breath. “I wouldn't call Lisa a date. She's your booty call.”

 

“Not true,” Is all that Cisco can say before Caitlin closes the door in his face. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Then he starts to change into his suit. Caitlin never particularly liked Lisa; a fact that caused Cisco a lot of heartache. Maybe he and Lisa were never meant to become a couple – they tried once and it failed horribly – but he still loves her a lot. But something about her extracurricular activities seem to rub Caitlin the wrong way.

 

If you ask Caitlin Lisa is a thief, a grifter, a con artist though there is nothing artistic about it. Cisco thinks it's Caitlin disdain for the esoteric that make her hate Lisa so much. Lisa works as a psychic. She never hid from Cisco that most of her practice was acting and pretense. But the argument could be made that it should never be more than that, or rather that it becomes something more in the heads of the participants. And lately Cisco is willing to believe there is more to things happening in the head of people than might be explainable.

 

They meet their dates in front of the event. Cisco shakes the hand of Ronnie, Caitlin's new pet project she met in the hallways of STAR Labs. He's an engineer, too, which earns him a plus point. But still, Cisco is not paying too much attention to him. Caitlin has the habit of picking man who are handsome but no match to her burning rage and crushing intellect under all that nice-girl facade. They're usually a bit dull and not sticking around for long.

 

Lisa looks stunning as she ascends from the taxi. She wears her hair in long waves falling over her shoulder and a floor-length dark green velvet dress. As she turns to wave the taxi driver off Cisco can see the deep cut back revealing a lot of smooth fair skin. Lisa comes over to them and greets Caitlin with a cold smile before kissing Cisco on the cheek.

 

“Hi, babe. I can't believe we outfit coordinated without talking to each other.” She strokes over Cisco's velvet jacket with a smirk. “You look beautiful.”

 

“So do you,” Cisco says and offers her his arm.

 

She takes it and turns to Ronnie with a dazzling smile. “And who is this beautiful gentleman here?”

 

Caitlin looks like she is about to hiss at Lisa. Cisco drags Lisa away as soon as possible before the situation can escalate. They enter the event. It's held in the Central City Museum; there are a lot of pillars and statues and waiters drifting through the crowd with trays full of champagne flutes. Cisco looks around the room and recognizes a lot of people but he doesn't really know anyone.

 

Lisa leans into him to whisper, “So, who do you want to make jealous with me?”

 

“What?”

 

“Not that I don't appreciate you inviting me to fancy events like these but we'd have much more fun at our favorite Chinese or any of our places.” Her eyes pierce him. Sometimes he forgets how smart she is when it comes to people. “I'm here as eye candy and I do take it as a compliment that you asked me.”

 

“No,” Cisco responds. “I don't- No, I asked you because of you. It's crazy right now, and-” She listens intently to him talking slower and slower. “You make me feel safe.”

 

She searches his face for a moment and when she seems to be content with her conclusion she smiles, one of her real, warm smiles and kisses him. “You're cute. Alright, I believe you.”

 

She pulls him closer and together they best the world of the rich and famous. Lisa is of course excellent at all of it: the small talk, leaving an impression, turning heads. Maybe Cisco also brought her to hide next to her. When Lisa is talking no one is looking anywhere else or even considering asking Cisco anything.

 

There is jazz music floating through the air played by a life band in one corner of the room. Lisa drags him there and makes him dance with her. A short dark skinned woman is singing to the slow music about falling in love and heartbreak. Lisa has her arms around his neck and surveys the room. Suddenly her eyes widen and her mouth drops open.

 

“Wow. He does clean up nice.”

 

Cisco looks in the direction she is staring and there is Harry. He is wearing a black suit and even a tie which Cisco thinks is a damn shame. He always thought that Harry looked best with at least some buttons of his dress shirt open. But still. Cisco's heart is still hammering in his chest. He still thinks Harry might outshine anyone else in this room.

 

Cisco looks back at Lisa who is looking at him with her hand on his chest. Over his heart.

 

“Oh, honey,” She says.

 

“Stop doing that,” He says and twist out of her grip.

 

She crosses her arms and watches him. He thinks about walking away but where to? Lisa is his safe haven for the night so he shouldn't start a fight. He steps closer to her again.

 

“I hate when you do that.”

 

“Do what?” She asks, arching one perfect eyebrow.

 

“Reading me. Using your tricks on me,” He grumbles.

 

“I'm just trying to understand you, Cisco,” She says quietly. “You're a strange, strange man.” Cisco doesn't say anything. She raises her hand and pets his cheek. “And I can't believe I'm supposed to make Harrison Wells jealous. You really think highly of me.”

 

Cisco sighs and takes her hand. “How often am I supposed to tell you? I don't want to make anyone jealous.” She pouts at him. It's adorable. Damnit, he just can't stay mad at her. “But you'd be the perfect pick for the job,” He says with a grin.

 

“Am I?” She says coyly, drawing up one shoulder. Cisco knows she's fishing for compliments.

 

“Yes,” He indulges her. “Young, beautiful. A woman. He's probably fuming already.”

 

Lisa throws a look over to Harry. “He does look a bit grumpy. And he is looking over here.”

 

Cisco freezes. Not that he had the intention of doing it but if this is working- He is not sure if he wants it to.

 

The evening drags on. There is the official part where Harry gets handed a weird looking award and has to pretend to be grateful; and a couple of people make speeches and then there is more small talk and drinking and secretly eating food at the buffet. Cisco spends it mostly following Lisa around the room. She seems to enjoy herself and already has set up an appointment for a seance with a senator and promised to read a young billionaire lady her destiny if she takes her on a trip to Bali.

 

At one point Cisco sees Harry standing alone in a corner, seemingly lost in thought. He doesn't know what overcomes him but he excuses himself out of the conversation he wasn't participating in anyway and walks over to Harry.

 

Harry watches him approach and the silent gaze makes all of Cisco's braveness crumble. When he reaches Harry he barely brings out a, “Can we talk?” Harry nods sharply and leads him out of the room to a balcony overlooking the garden behind the museum. Cisco remembers from a visit with his family that the garden is beautiful, filled with statues and hidden ponds. But now it's shrouded in darkness; the only light comes from the large windows and it throws sharp shadows over Harry's face. He looks like he waits for Cisco to say something.

 

“You left so abruptly the other day,” Cisco starts. “But I guess, there is something I still wanted to say.”

 

“I'm listening,” Harry says.

 

Cisco waits for words to form in his mind. There is still music drifting through the air and in combination with the soft spring air it makes him hope for a miracle.

 

“I wanted to say thank you for saving me,” Cisco says finally. “I don't know what would have happened if you hadn't found me. If you hadn't been there.” He swallows. “And I'm sorry for scaring you, I really am. But I don't know if I can say that I'm sorry for leaving.” It's hard to formulate what had been so clear in his mind once, what had seemed and still seems like the right decision. “I am sorry for the way I left though. That was awful, I know. You're totally in your right to be mad at me. I just hope you can forgive me.”

 

Cisco stares at Harry and thinks if he doesn't answer soon he will die on the spot.

 

“You don't know-” Harry laughs quietly. He doesn't sound amused. “You're right, it was awful. And I don't know if I can be all 'water under the bridge' so fast.”

 

Cisco nods. He thinks if he'd try to speak now he'd start crying.

 

“But I don't want to get hung up on the past,” Harry continues. “Maybe it's better not to reopen those old wounds. Some things happened and that's just the way it is. Neither of us can change them now anyway.”

 

This almost sounds like a step towards Cisco and he is still hoping for his miracle so he scrapes together the rest of his braveness and steps closer to Harry. He pulls him down by his stupid tie and kisses him; his heart sommersaulting in his chest.

 

But Harry pushes him away almost momentarily. He closes his eyes and sighs, his hands gripping Cisco's shoulders.

 

“No. Cisco. That's- I can't do that.” He sounds pained. “I'm sorry but I really can't.” He watches Cisco as if he is looking for a reaction but Cisco cannot feel anything.

 

“I don't know,” Harry says urgently, “If what you're expressing right now is genuine or if-”

 

“If it's just the dreams fucking with me,” Cisco finishes the sentence flatly.

 

“I don't know if I could take you leaving me again,” Harry says. He is still looking in Cisco's eyes as if he expects a sign from dreamland if Cisco is crazy or not. There is anger bubbling up in Cisco. He knows what he fucking feels. And it's not going to wear off. Not anytime soon at least.

 

But he doesn't say it because he knows Harry won't believe him right now. He even understands him. So Cisco takes a step back, away from Harry and tries to hold it together for the next part of the conversation.

 

“Okay,” He says. “So where does that leave us?”

 

Harry leans back against the handrail with crossed arms. “I'm always going to be your friend, Cisco. You can always come to me and I will always be there for you.” He takes off his glasses to run a hand over his face. “I still love you. I do.”

 

“Don't say that,” Cisco says and now there are hot tears falling down his cheeks. Harry doesn't get to say that, not now. Not after he basically rejected Cisco. He doesn't get to say those words.

 

“Cisco-”

 

“Just leave,” Cisco says and wipes over his face with his sleeve. Harry does and then it's just Cisco and the soft spring air and all the promises that never come true anyway. He pulls himself together somehow.

 

Inside the crowd is starting to thin but the event is probably still going for another hour. Cisco goes to the bar and orders something hard. He drinks it in one gulp. After that he goes looking for Lisa. He finds her talking to a young woman, probably still not of age.

 

“Don't spoil the youth,” He says and drags her away. She doesn't get out much before he is kissing her. She kisses back after some surprised sounds. Cisco feels numb. He knows this is stupid. And it doesn't even feel satisfying knowing that Harry sees this. He pulls away. She has her arms around his waist and kisses him on the neck a few times.

 

“Is the jealousy thing back on?” She whispers.

 

Someone tips on his shoulder. Cisco turns around to find Hartley standing behind him. He realizes how drunk he must be – damn all the champagne – because his first thought is that Hartley looks good in the suit. But then Hartley opens his mouth and tells Lisa something about being Cisco's doctor, which is a downright lie, and that Cisco is in a fragile state, which is true he has to admit. So Cisco should be brought home before something happens to him or he does something stupid like ruins his reputation or that of other scientists present.

 

Lisa looks at Hartley as if he is an alien and Cisco intercepts before Lisa does something stupid.

 

“It's alright,” He says. “It's just Hart.” And oh no, he should really get out of here. The numbness is slowly starting to wear off. He slings one arm around Hartley's necks and pats Lisa's arm. “Stay. Have fun. Find a sugar daddy. This one will take me home.”

 

Hartley protests but Lisa is already off with a last concerned look and a last kiss on Cisco's cheek. Then Hartley is left with a grinning Cisco hanging on his side who is pretending everything is alright when in fact nothing is alright. Hartley caves in and guides Cisco out of the Museum and into Hartley's car. He drops him on the backseat and Cisco curls in on himself and closes his eyes. He hears doors closing and opening when Hartley gets into the driver's seat. After a moment Hartley speaks.

 

“You look like you had a rough night.”

 

Cisco groans. Then he tries for sarcasm. “What are you talking about? A pretty boy is taking me home. My night is going awesome.”

 

Hartley starts the car. “I'm going to pretend I never heard that. For both our sakes.”

 

Cisco gives in into the swirling of his drunk mind and the aching in his chest, that swells with every passing minute.

 

Hartley even brings him into his apartment and tucks him into bed. It's uncanny and sweet. But Hartley's kindness, the softness in his voice is just another reminder of what happened and Cisco just wants him to leave while also aching for every sliver of sympathy Hartley extends to him. He keeps sitting on Cisco's bed for a minute, not saying anything. Then he swipes his hand over Cisco's forehead in a weirdly intimate gesture before getting up.

 

“I'll tell Caitlin to check in with you tomorrow morning. Good night.” And with that he disappears.

 

Cisco doesn't dream that night and it feels like a blessing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was that really necessary, i say to myself in the mirror. i listened to a playlist called 'super sad jazz' while writing this lol. it's always darkest before the dawn, etc.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “thy fury inward on thyself  
> prey, and consume thee!”

Cisco wakes up with a dry throat. It takes him a moment to get conscious enough to locate his limbs. He turns on his back with a groan. He blinks against the light and thinks that being heartbroken is bullshit.

 

His phone is ringing again. So that's what woke him up. It's Lisa.

 

“Hi, Cisco. I'm about to board a private jet to Bali with Evelyn. I'll be gone for at least a week.”

 

“Good for you,” Cisco mumbles.

 

“So, you need to tell me now what's going on with you. What happened with Wells last night? I saw you two sneaking off together.”

 

Cisco waits a moment before the lump in his throat has gone away. “Did I tell you about the new study I'm involved in?”

 

“Yeah, the dream thing.” There is noise in the background of the call and Lisa yells, “Just a second, darling.”

 

“I'm one of the test subjects,” Cisco explains. “And it fucks with your brain.”

 

“In what way?” Lisa asks and he's glad that the way Lisa's concern works is that she wants to know exactly what is going on instead of telling him what to do.

 

“It's basically a second puberty, I guess,” Cisco tries to find the words in his sleep drunk mind. “There are a lot of hormones in my system that might change the way I feel about certain people and things. And that might go away in a few weeks.” He swallows. “And that's why Harry doesn't want- doesn't want to get involved with me. Because what I'm feeling right now might not be real.”

 

There is a moment of silence on the phone but Cisco can literally feel the storm gathering over Lisa. “Maybe I should cancel my trip to Bali and go beat up Harrison Wells instead.” She sounds one-hundred percent serious. It's a strange comfort.

 

“Please, don't,” He says.

 

“What kind of asshole-? If you feel something it's real, Cisco. Like, obviously this is very real for you. And all feelings are fleeting. Our feelings change all the time, if they are medically induced or not.”

 

Lisa is getting louder and louder on the phone and it feels good to listen to her getting angry for him. Because she's right. And that's the way Cisco sees it. But he can't help but understand Harry. After what Cisco has done to him trust might simply be hard to come by. That's why Cisco never wanted to start up with Harry again. It's just too fucking complicated. He hadn't planned on falling in love again.

 

“Lisa, please get on your plane and have good time,” He interrupts her speech.

 

“No, I'll come around and bring you ice-cream,” She says. “That's what you eat when you're sad, right?”

 

“No, really,” Cisco says. “Caitlin is coming over later anyway. Please don't let me ruin your trip.”

 

Lisa grumbles a bit but in the end she decides for the trip with the billionaire's daughter. When she hangs up Cisco keeps lying in his bed staring at the ceiling. After a while he decides to call Jackie.

 

“Hello Mr. Ramon,” She answers.

 

“Hey Jackie,” He says. “I'm not coming in today.”

 

“Alright,” She says and he hears her shuffle things around on her desk. “Spending the day in the sleep lab?”

 

“No, I'm- I'm sick actually. Can you move the meeting about the thing to next week?”

 

“You mean the meeting about the future of your company? Sure, I'll see what I can do. You know, why don't you just let me go to those meetings. I'm positive I know you well enough to make the decisions you would make.”

 

Cisco has to smile despite the dark pit forming in the center of his being. “Good idea, actually. I'll arrange it the next chance I get.”

 

“Great, my evil plan to overtake this company is finally coming together,” Jackie says dryly.

 

“Okay, have fun running this beast without my genius inventions.”

 

“I'll manage,” She says and she's probably right. “Is there anything else?”

 

“I know it's not your job but-” Cisco starts. “Could you maybe bring me some food?”

 

“What happened to your friends?” Jackie asks.

 

“I don't want to see my friends right now,” Cisco says. He knows he's isolating himself but he really doesn't want to talk about it anymore and if Caitlin came over he would have to talk about it so much.

 

“Not a good idea, Mr. Ramon. You should talk to your friends. I find it always helps a lot. With most problems. And it really isn't my job.”

 

“You're right.” She's right.

 

“I am.” Jackie pauses. “But if you're friends don't have time call me. I'll bring you some soup.”

 

“Thank you,” Cisco says and means it. They say goodbye and Cisco resumes staring at the ceiling.

 

It's all so surreal.

 

He turns on the TV. He stops flipping through the channels at CNN. Volcano Eruption in Italy. Mount Vesuvius. Death toll still rising. Central Europe is fucked. A huge cloud of smoke drifts up to mainland Italy. There is an interview with an Italian priests who says it's divine punishment. Then there is a politician who says that at least now Italy isn't as attractive to refugees anymore. Cisco turns off the TV. He feels like throwing up.

 

* * *

 

When they continue the trials they call all the Sleepers in for an announcement. Hartley paces through the staff room until everyone has settled in. Caitlin is there, too. And Harry. Cisco looks away.

 

“Good to see you all,” Hartley begins. “I have good news. We have two new participants.”

 

Barry and Iris whisper something to each other. Linda is sitting next to Cisco and throws him a questioning look.

 

“First we have Patty Spivot.” Patty gets up and waves in the round. “I'll leave it at that. You can get to know each other later.”

 

Linda makes a strange sound. Cisco looks over to her. She has sunken deep into her chair, visibly shaken. When she notices Cisco's look she leans over to whisper to him, “I knew I know her. She is the girl of my dreams.”

 

Cisco needs a second to realize that Linda is not talking about dating fantasies but her vision. Where she dreamed of drowning together with a strange woman. Patty had been that woman? Cisco wants to ask Linda about it but decides to do it later in private.

 

“Who's the second person?” Iris asks looking around. She seemed to notice that there is no other stranger in the room.

 

“You all know him: Cisco Ramon.” Hartley gestures to Cisco.

 

“What?” Linda yells. “Really?” She is shaking his arm excitedly. “You have it, too?” Iris and Barry look at him wide-eyed.

 

“Yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, but-”

 

“That's so cool,” Linda interrupts him. “We can work out together.”

 

“What? We're not good enough for you anymore?” Iris asks with a raised eyebrow.

 

“You're not as cool as Cisco, obviously.”

 

“I'm Barry, by the way,” Barry introduces himself to Patty who shakes his hand with a thankful smile.

 

While everyone goes over to Patty to welcome her Cisco holds Linda back.

 

“Are you sure you dreamed about Patty?”

 

Linda's excitement dies down and she looks wistfully over to Patty. “Yeah, I'm sure. It was- intense. I'd recognize her anywhere.”

 

“And you never saw her before?”

 

“No. Never.”

 

Cisco thinks that this means something but he doesn't know what.

 

Linda gets excited again. “Do you think Iris will meet her guy, too? The one she dreamed about? I wonder what it means. Let's see who you dream about.”

 

“I already-”

 

“You already had that dream? When? Who did you dream about?”

 

“Can you like, chill?” Cisco says but he has to laugh. Linda's enthusiasm is contagious. And he never thought about that doing this together with other people might be- fun. That it might not only be horrific nightmares and vague visions but also connecting with people who go through the same weird shit. Until now he had felt left out. It was his fault of course, and now it's almost a relieve that Linda is just happy that they are in this together.

 

* * *

 

Harrison thought he should do the smart thing for once and what good did it bring him? None. He still thinks it is for the best not to fall back into old habits with Cisco; not to start something where neither of them knows what it is supposed to be and where it is going. He still thinks it was a wise idea to protect his heart; look at him actually learning in his age. He still thinks it is not clear if Cisco's decisions right now are- _Are what?_ A voice in his head asks. Just because he would not have made this decision two weeks ago does not mean he does not know what he is doing. Harrison quiets that voice because he is still positive that he did the right thing. He still thinks- He is miserable.

 

It took him all his strength to push Cisco away on that balcony. It would have been easy to just give in, to give in into what he had wanted for months now. To kiss Cisco breathless. And then some more. Sometimes he thinks it would have been better if they would not have had sex in that hotel at the conference. Because now he knows exactly what he is missing.

 

And he did not want to hurt Cisco, never wanted that, no matter how mad he was. And now he does it in the name of being responsible. He just wants things to be easy for once. But they never are with Cisco.

 

Harrison tells himself that it is just for a while until things calm down. If Cisco still wants him in a few months they can see where they go from there. And if he does not want him anymore- Well, then he owes Harrison a fucking huge gift basket.

 

(It is astounding how much that thought hurts Harrison. That this is really just a weird chemical reaction in Cisco's brain that will fade away. It hurts so much. To have all the possibilities right in front of him. To have that snatched away again.)

 

Harrison does not know how he should come from now to then. To work with Cisco everyday. To know that he could just reach out and apologize and they would both be happy. It is tearing him apart. But he never does.

 

He keeps on working instead. The new Sleeper, Patty, does well. They do not tell her anything of what happened to the others to see if it happens to her, too. It does. She goes through all the stages and they are exactly the same as the others experience them. Of course filled with her own subconscious and future but the structures stay the same. That is the good news.

 

But of course, it is not all happy science and slumber parties. The others Sleepers are reluctant to continue at first. Especially after Cisco opened up about how they have to escape the time loops the Sleepers agree that those are more upsetting than they let on before. But when the all go to sleep eventually they enter the next stage.

 

This stage is not exactly more comforting, especially for the team monitoring the Sleepers.

 

It starts with Iris waking up first and almost strangling one of the lab technicians. She looks like she is sleep walking, her eyes are open but her gaze is unfocused. Harrison is there and watches her push the bigger man to the ground with a freezing calm. Security can drag her away before she can do any lasting harm but that does not bode well for the others waking up.

 

And sure enough, they all wake up but not fully. Harrison is close to his pod when Cisco wakes up and afterward he tells himself that he was just waiting to get hit by Cisco. They do snap out of it pretty soon. Harrison feels the need to apologize because Cisco's hand probably got more damage than Harrison's face. But he reconsider when he sees the look on Cisco's face when he realizes what he has done. He leaves the room to let Caitlin fuss over Cisco because if he would have stayed it would have evolved in either a real fight or a messy break down: neither appropriate for a work place. He does not know how he is supposed to comfort Cisco. Does not know how to do it without offering his whole self which he has forbidden himself from doing.

 

He finds a bathroom and a mirror and clutches the sink thinking how _gone_ Cisco had looked just then when he woke up. It had been nothing like when Cisco woke up and did not remember his name. There he had been painfully _there_. Right now he had been far far away. Somewhere where no one could reach him. Harrison looks at his cheek where Cisco's fist had hit him. It is just a bit of red that would be gone tomorrow. It makes Harrison smile against his will. It will probably comfort Cisco to know that he has not actually done much harm.

 

But not all the Sleepers are bad fighters like Cisco. They have a real problem to calm Linda down. She does not attack people, instead she starts flinging chairs and screens through the room, ripping cables from the wall, bashing lights in. When security finally holds her down she wakes up fully and starts to hyperventilate.

 

Caitlin has them all brought into the med bay to check them up. She releases Barry pretty quickly; he had not been able to do anything before a security guard had just lifted him up and shook him which made him stop thrashing. But now that he is in the interview room with Harrison he is suddenly not sure if Barry is actually fully awake. Hartley is with him this time and he looks over to Harrison as if he is thinking the same thing.

 

“What's your name?” Hartley asks.

 

“Barry Allen,” Barry answers but he does not look at them. His gaze is far away, directed to somewhere on the floor. He sits leaning a bit to the left with his arms wrapped around himself.

 

“Do you know where you are?” Hartley asks further.

 

“STAR Labs. Central City,” Barry says. His voice is monotone. Until now his answer make it look like he is awake and Harrison is not sure what he would find scarier: that Barry is still sleep walking or that he dreamed something so horrifying that it scared the happy, over-sharing Barry into this state.

 

“Can you tell us anything about what you dreamed tonight?” Harrison asks.

 

Barry arms tighten around himself. “I don't remember anything,” He says with a weak voice.

 

“Are you sure?” Hartley asks.

 

“Yes,” Barry says. “But there is something now.”

 

Harrison and Hartley exchange looks. Barry is still staring at the ground or nowhere at all or inside himself.

 

“What is it?” Hartley asks.

 

“There is- space. A space. It looks like-,” Barry sighs. “I can't describe it. And there are people. They are all wearing flowy gowns, different colors, with veils and- it looks like crowns? I don't know, they're too far away. But they know I'm here.”

 

“Barry, you know that you are not really _there_.” Harrison says.

 

Barry shudders, his hands digging deeper into his sweater. “I'm not there. It's here. They are here.”

 

Hartley looks like he wants to ask more questions but Harrison stops the interview. He brings Barry back to the med bay. He has to guide him, hand on his arm because Barry still does not seem too aware of the space around him. A nurse takes over when they reach the med bay. Harrison tells her what is happening and she nods and guides Barry over to another section of the med bay.

 

Harrison feels someone watching him and he turns around to see Cisco sitting in a chair in a corner. For a second Harrison has the feeling that it is not really Cisco. But then Cisco gets up, and Harrison realizes that Cisco's expression is not blank but guarded.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll be away on a little writer's retreat of my own in the next three days. probably scaring myself to death alone in the woods lol. and hopefully getting a good amount of words down for this story.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for some graphic body horror
> 
> “and who once too far  
> before him wish'd to see, now backward looks,  
> and treads reverse his path”

It's hard to wake up. When he fights back to the surface he is standing in the sleep lab and his hand hurts. He looks puzzled down on it. Then he looks up and sees Harry clutching his face. Cisco takes in the chaos surrounding them: people screaming, thrashing and running around.

 

He isn't sure if he is awake.

 

Did he just hit Harry? He doesn't remember it. He wants to ask Harry but he is already storming off. Caitlin comes to him and asks him questions. How he is. How many fingers she is holding up. Does he hurt. He holds up his hand. She takes it and it grounds him a bit.

 

He spends the next half hour in the med bay being checked up, but beside the hand he is fine. It takes him almost all that time to realize what is so strange: He doesn't remember his dreams. Not a single one. He tries to grasp anything that might still be there, one image, a feeling maybe. But nothing.

 

No, there is something. A noise. A low clicking. Or ticking like a clock maybe.

 

He hears it again, now, and looks up to see Harry come in with Barry. Harry still got a red spot on his cheekbone where Cisco must have hit him. Caitlin told him what happened. There is something boiling inside him and he keeps the lid on tight, trying to suppress the storm of feelings. Harry turns to look at him. There is no ticking to be heard. He must have imagined it.

 

* * *

 

The Sleepers still have to work out a lot. Caitlin's face keeps getting more concerned every time she looks at their results from the weekly health check-ups. Cisco knows she's afraid that their hearts might just give up at some point because they get so agitated while sleeping.

 

That's how he ends up in the gym after a long run. Barry sits next to him on a bench, equally exhausted, as they watch Patty and Linda do push-ups.

 

“I get why Patty is so fit. She works in security,” Barry says to him. “But Linda? Don't get me wrong, I like her a lot but she's so secretive. I think she never said one word about her private life to us.”

 

“Maybe she's just a private person,” Cisco says but he knows what Barry is talking about. Linda doesn't just not like to talk about herself. She is actively careful not to let them get too close. She wouldn't even give them an emergency contact when they started the trials. She said there was no one to contact but Cisco has the feeling there is more to it.

 

Linda and Patty finish showing off, because honestly, that is what they were doing. There was no need to do so many push-ups. They come over to Cisco and Barry.

 

“I dreamed something crazy last night,” Patty starts.

 

“Really?” Cisco asks, feigning surprise. They are not allowed to tell her anything about their dreams as not to influence her subconscious, at least not as long as they are not at the same stage. But she is not only allowed to tell them but is encouraged to do so. It would be too hard to go through this on her own.

 

“Yeah, I was drowning,” She says and Linda's head whips around so fast it looks hurtful. “I mean, that was kinda awful but the crazy part is who was with me.”

 

“Who was it?” Barry asks unassuming. Linda has only told Cisco that she dreamed of Patty.

 

“My ex-boyfriend,” Patty says and huffs out a breath of air. “Most awkward situation ever. I was like rooting for him to drown. God, he'd deserve that.”

 

Linda looks at Cisco, wide-eyed. But Cisco can only shrug. Who the fuck even knows.

 

* * *

 

It happens the first time all five of them go under together. Patty had reached the fifth stage too, dislocating the shoulder of a security guard upon waking up. Cisco didn't feel any different when he went to sleep but as soon as the dreams start he knows something has changed.

 

He is sitting at a round table with all of them. He knows it's them even though he only sees the back of their heads. There is something strange though and it takes him a while to catch up with the irregularities of the picture. Their hands are lying on the table. He looks around at each one of them; the front side of their bodies are facing towards the table but their heads don't. When his gaze lands on Barry he understands why. The women's long hair had hid it but under Barry's short hair Cisco sees twisted skin, bulged up and screwed around. Their heads are literally turned back.

 

His heart is beating hard and there is no sound in the air but his own breathing. He looks down on himself but he can't really see anything. He tries to lift his arms but he hardly feels them at all; only the prickling sensation of having your limbs fall asleep. They do move though and after a moment he feels hair under his fingertips and the round form of his skull.

 

He closes his eyes and concentrates on his breathing. He has to stay calm.

 

Another sound rises and he opens his eyes again. It's the clicking. He looks around to find the source of the noise but there is only blackness surrounding them. It's still the five of them at this table and Cisco knows that it is significant. This is the first time he dreamed about the other Sleepers, and he is pretty sure that these are not only the projections of his subconscious but that these _are_ the persons, that they are here with him.

 

Then there is a loud sigh coming from everywhere at the same time; it sounds satisfied or happy, like the word _finally_. He feels something inside of him coming loose, rising up and up until he feels it like a lump in his throat. He chokes until he spits it out. When it comes out of him it turns into smoke. When the air clears again there is a small creature sitting on the table in front of Cisco. That was inside him? It has similarities with a frog but its body is longer, six legs instead of four. It has no eyes.

 

Then Cisco gets ripped back, out of his body and he flies back and back, going faster and faster. It makes him feel sick but there is nothing he can do. When it finally stops he plunges into a body that isn't his own, or it is his own but he has never seen it at this angle, or it's not a body at all, or many bodies at the same time. He is sitting in a coffee shop and there is chatter in the background. His hand wraps around a mug and he looks down on long, sleek fingers with skin darker than his own.

 

“Are you even listening to me?” A voice filters through to him.

 

He looks up to see Barry sitting in front of him. Looking at his face is like looking at a picture you know well. All the lines feel familiar to Cisco, the slope of his nose, the way his mouth quirks into that charming smile of his, and his hair that is already getting too long again to be called a haircut.

 

“Sorry,” Cisco says with a voice that isn't is own. “It's this piece I'm working on.”

 

“Yeah? Tell me about,” Barry says and takes a sip from his cup.

 

Before Cisco can answer he gets pulled back again and then he is standing in a dimly lit corridor, a gun in his hand, a gun to his head and adrenaline flooding his body. He drops and kicks the legs of the person behind him. He hears the clatter of a gun hitting the ground and he lunges to where it must have fallen. The person is groaning but also moving towards the gun. He makes a decision. He raises his gun and pulls the trigger. Once. Twice. Then it's quiet.

 

Then there is the feeling again, like being torn out of yourself, and he looks over Gotham City again. There is the sinking feeling of unfamiliarity, of mistrust of what he is seeing, but he knows this view. He studied this view for months, detailing the lines of streets and circles of places. From up here his life had seemed manageable, his existence small and meaningless in the best way. He tunes in the hum of the tourists around him, all of them hear for the view, the clicking of cameras filling the air. He still feels like a tourist, too, even after two years of studying at Gotham College for Engineering. He is already flying through classes again, it seems to come so easy to him, and no matter how good he is, sometimes he just wishes someone would come and tie him down. Bring his feet back on the ground. Make him feel something real.

 

He clings to the image even as he feels the room distort. But he cannot stop the pull and then he is in the next scene. It's Christmas, judging by the decoration, and he is helping his mother (or not _his_ mother) clean the dishes. In the next room a television is running, and he hopes that Jane won't change the channel again because she is bored of cartoons. It doesn't matter how often he tells her that John is too young to see anything else, it just won't get into that head of hers. His mother sighs next to him, and he looks down on her hands. They are not the youngest hands anymore but wrinkled up from the water in the sink they look even older. He feels the empty space in the house where someone used to be like a black hole, sucking all the air out of

 

the dark staircase he is walking down. He had heard noises downstairs (a scream, he had heard his mother screaming) but now it's quiet. He walks into the living room, his hand reaching up to the light switch but then there is the familiar smell of his father and a big hand closing over his.

 

“Go upstairs,” His father says. “Go to your room and wait for me, okay?”

 

Cisco nods even though his father probably can't see it in the dark. He goes back up the stairs and with every step he can feel his heart getting heavier and heavier. He thinks about his mother telling him to be a good kid, and that he doesn't need to cry. His mother

 

is sitting opposite of him, _his mother_ , but the word doesn't invoke any particular feeling in him. He feels so numb listening to her talk, about how she is sorry, and that she didn't want it to end like this. He says nothing. He looks out of the window and thinks about the life he has build without her, all the things he achieved without her. He's not going to tell her that. Yes, he is hurt but he is still above being mean simply because he can. This woman is a stranger to him. Her betrayal happened somewhere in the periphery of his life. His father, well, that's another matter. It hurts

 

because he is laughing so hard that his stomach has started to ache.

 

“Please, stop,” He gasps but his friend is not even thinking about it.

 

“And then he made a face like this.” She frowns exaggerated. “And he was like, Miss, this is not okay. I will have to call your parents.” She speaks mockingly deep.

 

Cisco is laughing so hard he lets himself fall down from the swing into the sand of the playground. Then the bell rings and the other kids around them start streaming back into the school building.

 

“I don't want to go in there again,” His friend says and sinks down next to him. “Let's run away together.”

 

“Okay,” Cisco says and feels deeply happy,

 

happier than in a long time. Harry presses him against the fridge, making Cisco almost drop the pack of strawberries.

 

“Careful,” Cisco exclaims while Harry kisses down his neck. “Who wanted to have that milkshake?”

 

“I don't know,” Harry says and takes the pack out of Cisco's hand. Cisco observes him, still pinned to the fridge by Harry's hip, while Harry picks out one of the strawberries and holds it in front of Cisco's face. What a sap, Cisco thinks and takes a bite. Harry eats the rest of the strawberry and looks down on Cisco with such a soft smile Cisco thinks he might combust, he might

 

explode! That was the right answer after all. Which means he got in. He holds the letter in shaking hands. He can't believe he actually made it. All those sleepless nights spend studying finally paid off. He will be able to study again, and one day he might even get a job he really enjoys. He had ripped the letter open, still on the street where he got it handed from the mailman. Tears are pooling in his eyes, he looks up in the sky

 

which is clear blue and Iris looks stunning in her graduation dress. She is running towards Cisco, jumping up and down excitedly. He catches her when she jumps into his arms and twirls her for as long as he can hold her up (which is not as long as he wished he could). She smiles up at him, and then Joe is there telling them to get into position for photos. So many photos. Iris slings her arm around his waist and they stand in front of the old oak tree in the backyard.

 

There is much more. The scenes keep flashing by; each one catching Cisco in their emotions, a whirlwind of feelings, only some of them his own. When Cisco is almost convinced it's never going to stop, he opens his eyes to a barren waste land that is nothing like he has ever seen before. There is red dirt and the sky is overcast with dark clouds and at the same illuminated by some unseen light source. Then he notices the wall rising up in the distance. He is close enough to see that it looks old, like the wall of a castle, and upon it there are creatures. Cisco has to look away.

 

He turns around and runs into the other direction. Only a few feet further there is a body of water, unidentifiable if it is a lake or a swamp, the water red-brown. He wades into it, he has to bring distance between him and those creatures. The water soaks through his pants instantly. Only now he notices the smell, and he chokes. It smells like foul and shit. He tugs his shirt over his nose but it doesn't help much. He walks further and he is almost to his waist in water when the hands grab him. He has no time to scream. They drag him down under the water. He feels other bodies there with him; hands searching his body, tearing at his limbs. Then there is only darkness.

 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short one bc writing is a bit like swimming through jelly the last days.

Cisco wakes up, gasping for air. He is completely awake in an instant. He pushes the helping hands away that stretch towards him. Out of the corner of his eye he can see Barry vomiting on the floor. He doesn't pay any attention to it, instead stumbling towards the door. He needs to get away from here, he needs to be alone, to make sense of this.

 

Those were his memories. _His._ And not only memories, that were his emotions, too. To dream about his memories wouldn't normally unsettle him so much. But he knows that the rest that wasn't his life were the memories of the other Sleepers. Even if they wouldn't have featured such obvious moments like Iris and Barry together he would have known that. So when he saw their memories, felt their emotions, that means they saw and felt his.

 

It's all too close, too much, and he runs through the corridors of STAR Labs until he finds a supply closet that doesn't look like it has been used much. He closes the door and settles down at the back wall, breathing hard.

 

Cisco has never considerate himself secretive but there are some things no one tells other people about. Ever. Those were his memories in the sense that he kept them close to his heart, the good like the bad; intimate memories that he never wanted to share, either because of shame or down-right jealousy. Some of those moments between Harry and him had been just that, only between the two of them. And now four other people, who hardly knew him, had not only seen them, but experienced them like their own. Cisco feels a sob creeping up his throat. It feels like everything is being ripped from him lately.

 

Hartley finds him like this, curled up on the ground. He sits down next to him.

 

“Are you hurt?” He asks after a moment.

 

Cisco sits up and tries to get himself under control. He is almost thankful that it is Hartley who is here. With Hartley everything is like always. They still kinda hate each other, kinda don't and maybe deep down they have always been friends. He does not know if he could face anyone else right now.

 

“No,” He answers.

 

“The others are upset as well,” Hartley says. “They say you experienced some kind of flashbacks?”

 

The electric lights above them flicker and Cisco jumps. Hartley is there, hands on his shoulders, trying to calm him down but it only helps so much. There is still this lingering feeling in Cisco's stomach; not exactly that he is still dreaming but rather that the dream has followed him out here.

 

“What do you say we get you back into the med bay?” Hartley says and Cisco can see how overwhelmed he is with the situation.

 

“I don't want to see the others,” Cisco says and he fists his hands in Hartley's shirt. “They were in my head, Hart. They shouldn't- No one should have seen that.”

 

“Cisco. Listen to me, Cisco.” His view starts spinning but he concentrates on Hartley's face. _“Cisco, listen carefully. You need to be strong right now. Can you do that for me? Everything is going to be alright, okay?”_ Cisco shakes his head. No, nothing is going to be alright. _“Yes, it will be. You need to remember who you are.”_ Who he is? _“You're the leader. You are their leader. They need you now. They need you to be strong. They need you to guide them.”_

 

Hartley tells him much more and Cisco thinks he begins to understand. He doesn't remember his exact words but a certainty settles in him, that yes, everything will be alright. And that he has a duty.

 

“I'm good,” He says and gets up.

 

“Really?” Hartley asks and there is much more concern bleeding in his voice than Cisco ever thought possible.

 

“Yes, I'm fine.” He walks out of the closet with Hartley at his heels. “I need to talk with the other Sleepers. Alone.”

 

“What? Why?” Hartley asks, struggling to keep up with him.

 

“I'm just doing what you told me to do,” Cisco throws over his shoulder.

 

“What I-? Wait, Cisco,” Hartley tries to grab his arm but Cisco shrugs him off.

 

* * *

 

They are all quiet for a while. They others look as shocked as Cisco feels. He is still ashamed, so ashamed to have been so emotionally naked in front of them but he has to push that aside.

 

“Well, that was weird,” Patty says after what feels like an hour of silence.

 

Iris has her legs pulled up on the chair and has buried her head under her arms. Barry looks angry. Linda mortified.

 

“We have to stop,” Linda says.

 

“Why?” Barry asks. “You mean before we find out more of your secrets? How worse can it get?” He starts to get loud. “You're a criminal. You- you- you killed someone.”

 

Linda looks at him with a blank expression. She is not backing down but isn't trying to defend herself either. “You want to give me over to the police? On what grounds? That you had a dream?”

 

Barry looks around to see if anyone is going to support him but the others stay quiet. Only Patty gets up and pushes Barry gently but firmly back in his seat.

 

“I know you saw what we saw, felt it. She feels horrible about it. It was self-defense. I don't condone what she is doing but I sympathize.”

 

Barry stares up at Patty in disbelieve but he doesn't say anything. Linda looks like there had been a plaster that had been teared off too abruptly.

 

Cisco feels the same way about Linda. All of what he had seen in her memories where petty crimes, theft, no real harm ever came to anyone. Except for one time. And all her memories had been drenched in so much sadness and despair that he was honestly happy that they didn't get to the bottom of why she has been doing this. But he can't resent her for it. She is a part of them. She belongs here.

 

No one else says anything about it and the topic seems to be off the table for the moment.

 

“I still think we shouldn't continue doing this,” Linda says when she has regained her composure. “I am scared.” She sounds analytical but Cisco can sense the depth of feelings behind her words.

 

“We cannot stop,” Cisco says finally. “We have to finish what we started.

 

We have to go down all the way.

 

 

 

And then we will be free.”

 


	20. Chapter 20

The Sleepers stay in the room for almost the whole day. The team sends someone out to get them food, and there is a whispered conversation between Hartley and Patty between doors. But that is all the information the scientists get before the door closes again. It feels weird to lose control like that, Harrison has to admit. The way Hartley understands it, is that the Sleepers shared memories of each other while dreaming and are currently discussing if they want to continue the experiment. Harrison knows this is another point where he should shut it down, that this is reaching stages of fucking strange and bad practice that it might even discredit anything they will discover later. But he has a feeling it is not for him to decide anymore.

 

Caitlin is who knows where and Hartley paces through the sleep lab. He looks thrown off balance, his hair pointing in every direction from running his hand through it too much. He even looks like he is muttering to himself but that might just be Harrison's mind completing the picture. He stops Hartley with a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Calm down. It'll be alright.”

 

“I don't know, Harrison.” Hartley's eyes flick through the room. “Cisco was behaving weird. Even weirder than the rest of them. When I spoke to him after he woke up- I think he had a seizure. And he kept talking about how I told him what to do. I didn't tell him shit.”

 

There is a knot in Harrison's stomach and it is tightening with each of Hartley's words.

 

“What are we even doing here?” Hartley says more to himself than to Harrison.

 

When the Sleepers finally open the door again it is late afternoon. Caitlin appeared again and she looks like she is itching to check every inch of their bodies for possible injuries. Even though they all know that if there is any harm done to the Sleepers it is not of the physical kind.

 

They seem to have made Patty their spokesperson but there is something in the way she searches for Cisco's gaze that makes Harrison think she is not the dominant one in the group.

 

“We decided to continue the trials,” Patty says. “Together. From now on we will only do trials when all five of us are there. Otherwise it won't work.”

 

“What does that mean?” Harrison asks. He can't help but feel like they know more than him, as always. He is suspecting that they never told any of them half of what is really going down when they are dreaming.

 

“It has to be the five of us, or it won't work,” Patty says and looks to Cisco as if asking him to explain it. He does not say a word.

 

Instead Iris steps forward. She had been quiet this whole time, Cisco having an arm curled around her shoulders protectively. Now she says, “In the end, after- after all the other dreams, we all dreamed of the same place. We think we can only get there together. Or it's better if we are there together. So we can help each other.”

 

“Why?” Hartley asks. “Is it dangerous?”

 

“Not if we stay together,” Cisco says. He sounds distant but sure. Harrison wants to go over him and shake him. It scares him when Cisco gets like that. It happened a couple times when they were together ten years ago. Cisco would dissociate but he was still completely aware of what was going on around him. He would sit still, transfixed by something that was not there. He would have whole conversations with Harrison in that state before Harrison realized what was going on. He thought about how Hartley said it looked like Cisco was having a seizure. Maybe that is what it is. Some kind of seizure. He would have to ask Caitlin about it.

 

They send the Sleepers home because it had been a long day for everyone. They will talk to them tomorrow. Harrison spends fifteen minutes talking at Caitlin, trying to get her to do a MRI scan with Cisco but she is unfocused as well. Harrison thinks if she starts to fall apart, too, he does not know how he should bear this.

 

“We could do a MRI scan,” She says. “But honestly, I'm not sure we'd find anything. Nothing about this makes sense. Their bodies are reacting to things that are not happening. I don't know how I should explain half of this stuff. This is beyond being psychosomatic. I don't know.”

 

She keeps repeating that she doesn't know what to do until Harrison gives up.

 

At home he calls Jesse and listens to her talk about exams and papers due tomorrow until he realizes that this is not helping either. He wants to call Cisco, ask him if he is alright. But he has already asked him twice today, both times answered with a sharp nod, so he thinks he should maybe back off. He thinks about calling Cisco to talk to him about Caitlin, how he fears she might be drifting off, where he does not know. After all he is her best friend, maybe he knows what to do. But he cannot burden Cisco with more than he is already carrying. He thinks about calling Hartley but he still got the image of Hartley this afternoon in his mind, how lost he had looked, how devastated about his project slipping away from his control. He thinks they might need someone else on the team.

 

* * *

 

The problem arises again soon enough. (Which of the problems? That they're out of their fucking depths here.) The four of them meet before they start the interviews with the Sleepers about their latest dreams. Cisco is there, too, because he is still kind of part of their team, and he is in a better mood than in weeks. He laughs about something Hartley says and everything feels almost normal.

 

Until Caitlin starts talking.

 

“I think we need to come at this from a different angle,” She says while she spreads papers over a table. “I've tried to explain their behavior scientifically but I think this is not understandable with the kind of science we know today.”

 

Harrison looks at the papers and he gets a not-so-good feeling about it.

 

“So I did some research,” Caitlin continues. “I was asking myself that if the root of this is genetic it must have happened in the past. Maybe someone even found ways to amplify the visions like us.”

 

“There was no study or even research into this thing before us,” Hartley scoffs. “I checked.”

 

“Maybe they just didn't call it what we call it,” Caitlin says. “History, and especially literature, is full with people who can see the future.”

 

“Caitlin?” Cisco asks and he looks concerned, finally. Now Harrison is not the only one worrying anymore. “You're not suggesting what I'm thinking you're suggesting?”

 

“Well, I think we can rule out that these powers are god-given,” Caitlin says with a forced laugh. “Or maybe we can't.”

 

“God-given,” Harrison says.

 

“You know, Cassandra, Apollo.” Caitlin waves her hand. “But there is another explanation that is found in a lot of different cultures: The dead are able to see the future.”

 

“I do feel very much alive,” Cisco says with a soft smile. He puts a hand on Caitlin's arm. “Are you sure about this? You know, we're all a bit freaked out but this is not really your style.”

 

Caitlin does not respond to Cisco's questions. “Alternatively, a lot of cultures have the tradition to communicate with the dead. To be told the future from the dead.” She motions to the papers on the table; they are copies of old scriptures and pictures of shamanic rituals. “I think we shouldn't ignore the similarities. There has to be a connection.”

 

Cisco looks as stunned as Harrison feels. He had never expected this from the logical, down-to-earth Dr. Caitlin Snow. Hartley is rubbing his temples with a pained expression.

 

“Thank you, Caitlin,” He says finally. “Thank you. We'll keep it in mind, alright?”

 

Caitlin looks disappointed but she does not argue with them. Instead she leaves the room, muttering something about restocking the med bay. The three men exchange looks.

 

“Am I the only one who thinks this was strange?” Hartley asks.

 

“No, she usually hates all this occult stuff,” Cisco says, brows furrowed. “I'll talk to her. See what's up.”

 

Harrison takes a closer look at the papers Caitlin collected. “It's not a stupid idea,” He says. “And while I do think we should worry about Caitlin, maybe she wasn't on the wrong track.”

 

Cisco rolls his eyes. “Right, because I'm communicating with the dead in my sleep.”

 

“Maybe not, maybe that is just the explanation other people before us used because they did not have the possibilities we have. Still, there might be a detail that could help us.”

 

Cisco doesn't look convinced but Hartley seems more interested than before. He throws a considering look at the mess on the table. “Maybe we should let Caitlin keep looking into it.”

 


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “'Mark thou each dire Erynnis. To the left,  
> This is Megaera; on the right hand, she  
> Who wails, Alecto; and Tisiphone  
> I' th' midst.'”

He is back on the red dirt of the wasteland. The sky is still looking like the photograph of a storm. Mountains of dark gray clouds, intertwining lightning bolts, seemingly moving in slow-motion. Cisco directs his gaze back down, but not forward to the high wall in the distance, but instead left and right. If he is right then the other Sleepers must be here somewhere. He has to find them.

 

This time there was no endless cycle of moments of their lives, he had just been here from the start. He moves to his left, keeping to the edge of the water as his orientation. He tries to ignore the smell and the movements underneath the surface. He starts jogging; the land is flat and mostly empty except for the occasional bush but he still cannot see anyone else. There are noises coming from seemingly everywhere at once; they echo around like he is in a small room and not on wide open ground. He looks down himself while running. He is dressed in practical clothing, and this is weird. Not the choice of clothes but normally he doesn't really perceive his body at all while dreaming. But right now he even feels the wind on his face, his lungs contracting painfully from the effort. It's a bit too real.

 

Then there is finally a familiar figure in the distance. The person moves in his direction until she is so close Cisco can make out details. It's Iris. She stretches her arm out to him as if she can't believe he is really there. He takes her hand and squeezes it.

 

“Did you see anyone else?” He asks.

 

She shakes her head. Her gaze keeps drifting to the wall and he tugs her hand to redirect her gaze back to him.

 

“Let's look over there.” He nods to a small patch of skinny trees. They stand between the water and the wall and are barely enough for someone to hide there, but it could be done. It takes Cisco and Iris a while to get there. They don't talk and they keep their eyes on the ground in front of them. The air is humid, their clothes sticking to their skin. Iris is dressed almost the same way as Cisco, and the detail keeps itching at his mind.

 

When they get close to the trees Cisco can hear the whispers, can see the movement behind them, and his heart is beating heavy in his chest. Then he sees a flash of blonde hair, and Patty is leaning around a tree and waves them closer.

 

The wind rustles through the few last leaves over their heads. Linda and Barry are there, too. Cisco thinks, good, this is good. He spares a glance to the wall, visible through the branches. It has been quiet for a while now, and that worries him.

 

“What are we supposed to do now?” Barry asks.

 

“We can't stay here forever,” Patty says. She runs her hands over her tied back hair. She looks the most composed of all of them but she has been trained for situation like this. Well not exactly this this.

 

“Through the water is no option,” Iris says and shivers. Cisco hadn't been the only one who had tried to escape that way the last time.

 

“I saw a gate in the wall,” Linda says. She has her arms wrapped around herself and sways in the warm wind. “There.” She nods with her head in the opposite direction from which Cisco has come.

 

A piercing scream ribs through the air. Cisco startles and turns around to the wall. There is movement again. They're much closer now so Cisco can see the three figures clearly. He would call them women if he wouldn't be sure they are something else entirely. The distance might screw with the perspective but they look taller than any human could be. They are still crying out, clothed in torn pieces that might have once been robes and behind them the air thickens to pitch black swirling masses.

 

Cisco doesn't realize he has been moving back until he stumbles into Iris. She catches him by the shoulders, her fingers digging into his skin. Patty moves in front of them. Cisco watches the muscles in her arms work as she balls her hands into fists. Not that she could do much if those creatures would decide to come down here.

 

Patty walks forward and Linda wants to hold her back, grabbing her arm but Patty shakes her off. She screams back at the figures on the wall. A fourth one has joined them, impossibly even taller than the other three; she looks like she could just bend down and swoop up a person standing in front of the wall. She is silent but her eyes gleam like the darkest part of a fire. Cisco screams for Patty to come back and follows Linda. They reach Patty who is still yelling curses up the wall.

 

When Cisco closes his hands around Patty's arm, he feels cold, rough stone. He looks up into Linda's face who stares at Patty in horror. Patty has turned into a lifeless statue of herself; her face, now gray, still twisted into a scream. Cisco watches as Linda turns her face up to the creature on the wall and he swears he can see the gray spreading over her skin from her eyes over her body in a second until she is just as still as Patty.

 

Cisco stumbles back, turns around to run back to the cover of the trees. He hears the creatures' screams turn into laughter. Barry is kneeling on the ground, his arms clutched over his head, begging for it to stop. Iris looks completely blank out to what is left of Patty and Linda. Cisco shakes her until she snaps out of it. Together they haul Barry up from the ground.

 

“We have to get to the gate,” Cisco yells over the noise.

 

They run, dragging Barry with them. Cisco's lungs feel like they are on fire. The laughter has turned into screams again and then there is a gush of wind over their heads. Cisco looks up to see that two of the creatures have ascended into the air, the dark voids behind their backs unfurling like wings, and are flying above them. They are much closer now and Cisco can see the ill shade of their skin, that is scratched open and torn. They have the faces of old women, deep wrinkles and whole patches of hair missing.

 

One descends upon them. Cisco tries to run faster, he hears someone screaming and then Barry is gone from his side. He doesn't look, just tears Iris with him who has tears streaming down her face. Then he feels arms around his waist and he is lifted from the ground. The first thing he notices is the smell, the overpowering sensation of foul streaming from the body pressed behind him. He tries to fight against the arms until he realizes that they they are so high up in the air that the fall would kill him.

 

He hears the thing snicker next to his ear, then the arms are gone but he is not falling far, the creature catches him by the leg. They are flying towards the wall and Cisco is upside down. He thinks he is going to throw up. The wall approaches fast and they are not high enough, at least not Cisco, they creature won't be able to carry him over it. Then it dawns on him. When he crashes against the wall the pain only lasts a second. He thinks he hears his skull crack before darkness settles over everything.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up heaving for air, and then he is crying, shaking. There are strong arms pulling him into an embrace, and he presses his face into one of those sweaters he knows all too well; air finally streaming back into his lungs as Harry strokes his back.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys i'm still writing, just stuff that comes later on. skipping ahead to dodge writer's block is a valid process lmao.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for discussion of suicide

Harrison has been sitting in the staff room with Iris for twenty minutes and she keeps shooting him glances that he tries his best to ignore in favor of Caitlin's newest research. It is meticulous and detailed, overall very interesting but it still sounds so out there. And it is hard to concentrate when Iris is staring holes into him.

 

“How embarrassed do I have to be?” He asks finally. It has been on his mind, that when Cisco shared his old memories with the other Sleepers there might have been some of Harrison in the mix, too.

 

Iris pretends to just look up from her coffee. “What? Oh, you mean-,” She laughs and waves it off. “I think we skipped the real embarrassing stuff.”

 

“Good for me, I guess,” Harrison says with a raised eyebrow.

 

“You know, it took me a while to figure out those were his memories,” Iris says, twirling a spoon in her coffee. “Honestly it's kind of obvious now that I know, but – I don't know.” She shrugs. “You're really professional about it. I didn't notice you were dating.”

 

“That's because we're not,” Harrison says and looks back down on his file.

 

“Oh,” Iris says and is quiet for a while. “You don't have to be embarrassed,” She adds then. “It was sweet. You were a real charmer.” Harrison looks over to her and she smiles at him. “Now Linda's weird sex stuff, that is something I will never un-see.”

 

Harrison chuckles. He does not know how Iris does it, but she can be so kind if she wants to. “What was it like seeing Barry's memories?” He asks.

 

“Weird, I guess,” She says. “Luckily he had already dropped the L bomb so I was kind of prepared. But it is really strange to look at your own face and think it's the most beautiful thing you have ever seen.”

 

“Wow,” Harrison says. “That sounds – like -- yes, weird is probably the best word.”

 

“Right?” Iris says and they both laugh. “But Barry and I, we'll manage. We always have.”

 

* * *

 

Cisco calls him later that night. There are no trials so Harrison thought he would spend some time in his house for a change instead of falling asleep on the couch in his office. He had actually tried to cook something and it had turned out terrible which still surprised him after all these years. He has been told by many people – most of all by Cisco himself – that he could probably learn to cook if he invested the same energy in it as he does in science but that is just ridiculous. Harrison does not have the time for two obsessions.

 

When Cisco calls him he has settled on the couch with a glass of wine and a book to at least give the evening a pleasant end.

 

“Can you come?” Cisco asks without greeting. His voice is low and barely audible over the line.

 

“Are you alright?” Harrison asks already half out of the door.

 

“I'm not in immediate danger,” Cisco says and trails off. His tone is halfheartedly sarcastic even though it sounds like he has trouble getting the words out. “Just – please.”

 

“I'm on my way,” Harrison says as he gets into the car. He hangs up. The drive stretches endlessly. He has never been to Cisco's new apartment, though it is probably not even that new, but he has looked it up a while ago because in the back of his mind he knew that a moment like this would come. For Harrison life has been hinged on the edge of catastrophe for a while now and he knows that it is paranoia and unhealthy but it does pay off from time to time. The streetlights bath everything in their soft, orange glow that Harrison used to think was calming. It is not that Harrison does not drive at night anymore, he just avoids it as often as possible.

 

When he gets to the building he takes two steps at once. He hesitates in front of Cisco's door when he sees it is ajar and he has to push the worst case scenarios out of his head. But the door is not kicked in, just open and he enters and closes it softly behind him.

 

“Cisco?” He calls out. The corridor is lit, just as apparently the rest of the apartment.

 

“In here.”

 

Harrison follows Cisco's voice to the living room where he sits on the couch with his legs drawn up. He looks up at Harrison with a small smile. It breaks Harrison's heart.

 

“You came,” He says.

 

Harrison sits down in an armchair opposite from Cisco, still looking him up and down for injuries. But he does not see anything. At least he will not have to drive Cisco to the ER, that is something.

 

“Of course,” Harrison says and bites down the, “I will always come when you call.” Because there are few moments where those words are appropriate and this is definitely not one of them.

 

Cisco looks exhausted and distracted, biting on his nails, his gaze flicking around the room. Harrison wants to reach over and pull him close but he is not sure if he is allowed anymore, if he is not doing it too often anyway, when Cisco wakes up screaming in the sleep lab and Harrison cannot help himself.

 

“Did you have a nightmare?” Harrison asks.

 

Cisco pulls his hair back, twisting it but it falls back in his face the second he lets go. “No,” He says flatly. “I'm still not dreaming when I'm not in one of those pods. Honestly, I can't sleep-” Cisco's mouth snaps shut and he stares off into the distance. Harrison sees Cisco crumble piece by piece. He throws all caution overboard and reaches over the space that separates them and takes his hand. Cisco looks at him pleadingly and tugs a little on their joined hands.

 

Harrison gives in with a small sigh and moves over to the couch next to Cisco. Cisco flings his legs over Harrison's lap and presses his face against Harrison's neck. He holds Cisco close, hands brushing over his cheek, stroking over his back.

 

“I still-,” Cisco breathes and he does not have to finish the sentence. Harrison understands what he means by his racing heartbeat, and Harrison's is catching up in speed. He knows he could press Cisco down right here and now and kiss him breathless, kiss him until he forgets all that burdens his mind and he almost moves to do it, his hand coming up to Cisco's neck.

 

But it would feel like taking advantage of Cisco when he is like this. So instead he pulls him closer, pressing one chaste kiss to his forehead. This should be about what Cisco needs right now, not what Harrison wants. So he just holds him. Which is nice, too. Cisco seems to relax gradually.

 

Harrison runs his hand through Cisco's hair. “It's longer again,” He says.

 

“Not because you like it,” Cisco snaps instantly. “I just didn't – get around – to cutting it.”

 

“Right,” Harrison says, suppressing a grin. “I didn't suggest that.”

 

“You did,” Cisco says. He wiggles closer into Harrison's lap which makes Harrison squirm.

 

“Cisco,” Harrison says roughly and looks down to see Cisco batting his lashes innocently at him. How can this man be a little shit even when obviously very upset.

 

Cisco's gaze drifts away again and Harrison realizes that he has been staring in the same direction the whole time. He cranes is head to see where Cisco is looking. It is the entrance of the kitchen.

 

“That's where I did it,” Cisco says quietly when he notices Harrison's gaze. “When I was stuck in the time loop.”

 

Harrison does not know what to say, not sure if he could speak even if he would. To know what Cisco had to endure, it makes him so angry and so sad at the same time.

 

“It's just a thing that happened,” Cisco says and shrugs.

 

“It's not,” Harrison says and brushes the hair out of Cisco's face. “It's really not. You're allowed to be upset about it even if it happened in a dream.”

 

Cisco frowns as if he does not believe Harrison's words. He looks away, back to the kitchen and then down on his hands – no, on his wrists. “It was strange,” He says finally. “I can't believe so many people do it like that. You have to be really –- dedicated.”

 

Harrison's stomach twists, and he looks down on Cisco who looks even smaller than usual, so fragile even though Harrison knows he is not, really. “We should stop,” He says finally. “We should stop the trials.”

 

Cisco's head snaps up and he watches Harrison for a moment, and there is suddenly so much life, so much energy behind them that it startles Harrison. “No,” Cisco says. “We won't.”

 

Harrison opens his mouth to argue, but closes it again. He cannot take a fight with Cisco right now. So he just nods. “At least, don't stay here,” He says. “Maybe you could ask Caitlin to stay with her for a while.”

 

Cisco relaxes again, lowering his hand that he had curled painfully around Harrison's bicep. “I've thought about that, too,” He says. “But Caitlin is taking it so hard right now. She doesn't even believe in alien lifeforms because she, in her words, she'll believe it when she sees it. Her whole world must be crumbling right now. And,” He swallows. “And I can't be there for her. I just can't- I'm her best friend but I don't think I could catch her right now. And she should not have to watch me – like this.” His voice is thick with tears.

 

“Okay,” Harrison says and, one hand in Cisco's cheek, guides his gaze to Harrison's face. “It's alright. You understand me? It's alright. She would understand. Let me worry about Caitlin, okay?”

 

Cisco nods, and Harrison thinks he should just take Cisco home with him. He kisses his forehead again, and then because he has never been able to control himself when it comes to Cisco, he kisses him on the lips, too. Cisco makes a noise in the back of his throat like a whimper. Harrison knows he should not – if he does not intend to let Cisco in just yet. He pulls back and Cisco looks so open, so unguarded that it hits Harrison like a punch in the guts.

 

“I'm sorry,” He says. “I shouldn't have-” He pushes Cisco from his lap until they are both standing. “Pack a bag. I'll call Hartley. He has a guest room.”

 

Cisco gapes at him for a second, then he whips around and leaves the room. Harrison hopes he did not just do more damage than good.

 

Hartley lives in a tall but narrow building in the city, pressed between two similar houses; the last pity of his parents before they cut him off completely. He opens the door and Cisco brushes past him without saying a word. He has been ignoring Harrison the whole drive. Hartley looks after him and then turns to Harrison.

 

“Do I want to know?” He asks and yawns.

 

“No,” Harrison says gruffly.

 

“Okay,” Hartley says pointedly and raises his eyebrows. “Whatever.” He leans against the door and sighs. “Is it really that bad?”

 

Harrison does not know if he means Cisco's condition or the relationship between Cisco and him or what but he nods either way.

 

“I'm not really good with other people's,” Hartley searches for the word. “Emotions.”

 

“You'll manage,” Harrison says.

 

“Thank you, your support means the world to me,” Hartley says dryly. “Look, I haven't slept in-” He looks at his wrist until he realizes he is not wearing a watch. “In a while. So I'll better get Cisco into a bed before we fall asleep on the floor.”

 

Harrison nods and in the spur of the moment he pats Hartley on the shoulder. Hartley rolls his eyes and pulls him into a quick hug.

 

“You know,” Hartley says while retreating into the house. “For someone who always takes care of others you are spectacularly bad at taking care of yourself.”

 

“I don't always take care of others,” Harrison argues.

 

“Yeah, you do,” Hartley says. “You're like a mother hen. A grumpy mother hen.”

 

“Take that back,” Harrison says, offended, but Hartley closes the door in his face with a last grin.

 

Harrison stares at the closed door for a moment. He turns around and looks up at the sky. It is clouded, caging the city in its orange glow.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh all of the sleepers have a crush on harry for a week after they live through cisco's memories and everything is really awkward. barry has a crisis about his sexual orientation. linda almost runs into a wall one time.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “That lake, the noisome stench exhaling, round  
> The city of grief encompasses, which now  
> we may not enter without rage”

The first thing Cisco relearns about Hartley that first morning is that Hartley is crazy. He mostly contains it in a professional setting but there are memories bubbling up in Cisco about Hartley throwing stuff out of windows when he didn't like something.

 

He walks around a big black spot on the carpet on his way to the kitchen. Hartley is already there, sitting at a table and eating cornflakes while reading a book.

 

“What happened to your carpet?” Cisco asks as he fills himself a bowl with cornflakes. He would have never thought Hartley would eat something so normal, well, he didn't really think about Hartley's eating habits before but he would have guessed he would eat something posh and complicated.

 

Hartley doesn't look up from his book when he answers, “I told my then boyfriend that I would burn his clothes if he left me. I'm a man of my words.”

 

“Wow,” Cisco says and sits down opposite of Hartley. “So you told him that after or before you told him that he shouldn't make you choose between him and your work?”

 

“To tell the truth, I don't really recall the exact order of events,” Hartley says and shoots him a glance. “It was a – busy week.”

 

Something clicks in Cisco's chest and he realizes that he really likes Hartley. “You know,” He says with a bright smile. “Some day you will meet someone who will love you for the bat-shit insane guy that you are.”

 

Hartley puts his book down and throws Cisco a suffering glance. “I'm thirty-five. My chances are dwindling.”

 

“What are you reading there, anyway?” Cisco asks.

 

Hartley holds up the book for Cisco to read the cover. “The Art of War by Sun Tzu? Really?”

 

“I think we should take a more – aggressive approach to the whole dream situation,” Hartley informs him, shoveling more cornflakes into his mouth.

 

“And you have that book just laying around?” Cisco asks, laughing.

 

“Well, it's a classic,” Hartley says. “And seventeen old me might have thought I could learn something about how to interact with people from it.”

 

Cisco snorts milk all over the table. “That explains so much about you,” He says.

 

“Oh no,” Hartley says dryly. “I worked so hard on my mysterious aura. You're gonna clean that up by the way.”

 

Cisco puts his chin in his hand and sighs. “You know, honest and caring suits you much better than mysterious, anyway.”

 

“Caring doesn't suit me,” Hartley says hitting Cisco with the book. “And I've always been honest. Stop slandering my character.”

 

“I don't need to slander your character. You're wearing a silk robe with magnolias on it and I think my aunt owns the same one,” Cisco says as he dodges Hartley's hits.

 

“That's enough,” Hartley says and slams the book on the table. “I will not be treated like this at _my_ table in _my_ house.” He glares at Cisco but he can't quite suppress the smile.

 

“It's a pretty robe,” Cisco says, raising his hands in surrender. “And thank you for letting me stay here.”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Hartley mumbles and busies himself with his book again.

 

For the rest of the day Cisco cozies himself up in Hartley's living room, a comfortable mess of mixed patterns and books edged in every possible corner, and tries his best not to think about anything which is his favorite tactic of self-preservation. In the afternoon Jackie comes over and they go over the plan for the next weeks.

 

Hartley suddenly appears and is strangely and perfectly charming, doing small-talk with Jackie, bringing them tea and Cisco is confused until Jackie turns to him to say, “I like your new boyfriend much more than the other one.” and Cisco realizes that it is revenge for the morning.

 

Cisco stammers and Hartley flips him off behind Jackie's back.

 

Jackie leaves to basically run Cisco's company for him and they call out a truth after probably scarring the mailman for the rest of his live with the verbal abuse they direct at each other.

 

“Thank god for amazon prime,” Hartley says as he unpacks the heavy carton in the living room. Cisco looks over his shoulder.

 

“Are those all about warfare? Hartley, there are over twenty books-”

 

“What did I say? Aggressive approach,” Hartley snaps and pushes two books into Cisco's hands. “Make yourself useful and start with these.”

 

“Who still reads books?” Cisco moans but starts flipping through them. He does appreciate that Hartley's way of dealing is, apparently, running straight into danger. It's better than Harry's constant worry. He stops his train of thought abruptly and concentrates on the words on the page in front of him. Don't. Think. About. It. He tells himself. Self-preservation. Right.

 

In the next days they turn Hartley's living room into a strategy room with papers taped on the walls and everything. Hartley tries to make Cisco build a mini-model of his dreamscape but in the end the simply use the figurines of a Monopoly World Cisco finds under the couch and stack books over each other to build the wall.

 

Caitlin comes over and hugs Cisco for long minutes. After that they sit on the couch, arms and legs intertwined, talking quietly.

 

“Don't worry about me,” Caitlin says and smiles softly. “Harrison talked to me. I really appreciate your concern but I'm going to be okay.”

 

“Really?” Cisco asks. “Because to me it looks a bit like you're going crazy.”

 

“How charming,” She laughs and slaps his arm. “Maybe. A bit. But don't we all from time to time?”

 

“Okay, but then you're not allowed to worry about me, too,” Cisco says.

 

“I will always worry about you, Cisco,” Caitlin says with a sigh.

 

“And I will always worry about you, okay?” Cisco says. “That's what we're supposed to do. We worry about each other when no one else will.”

 

Caitlin smiles sadly, probably remembering the night when they first told each other about their awful families and promised this to each other. Then she says, “Honestly, Cisco, I think that there are a couple of people who worry about us nowadays.”

 

Harry doesn't come over but Cisco is sure that Hartley talks to him on the phone from time to time because of the way he hangs up instantly when Cisco enters the room and looks so guilty as if he'd just traded secrets with the enemy. Cisco thinks that look is justified.

 

Around day three Cisco tries to leave because he feels bad for just imposing himself on Hartley like this even though he really does not want to go back to his apartment. Hartley catches him stuffing his clothes into a bag.

 

“And where do you think you are going?” He asks, leaning against the door frame with crossed arms.

 

“To - - my place,” Cisco says tentatively.

 

“As your doctor I think it's better-,” Hartley starts but Cisco interrupts him.

 

“Your not my doctor. That's like the second time you've said that. Can you stop?”

 

“I've had two semesters of psychology in college, so I could be your doctor,” Hartley says.

 

“You're not,” Cisco says, slapping a shirt into his bag with force.

 

“Stop, okay,” Hartley says. “I don't mind having you around. This all is freaking me out, too, and it's - - just nice to know that I'm not alone in the house.”

 

Cisco looks at him, trying to find out if Hartley is making fun of him but he looks pretty honest.

 

“And I never really had a sleepover when I was a kid,” Hartley adds, raising one eyebrow. “I hoped we could make some popcorn, watch a movie and then hit each other with our pillows.”

 

“I'm staying if it gets you to stop talking,” Cisco says.

 

So Cisco stays and after a week they decide to take their research to the sleep lab. Cisco runs into Harry there, and just keeps on walking past him. Caitlin who had stopped to greet Harry, catches up and throws him a questioning look.

 

“You're not talking to him?” She asks.

 

“He can go fuck himself,” Cisco says and he knows he clings to the anger because the sadness beneath would be unbearable.

 

They meet the other Sleepers in a conference room where Hartley has rigged up a comprehensive summary of their research on multiple white boards. Linda and Iris come in with giant to go cups of coffee and look like they want to instantly turn around and go again.

 

“What the hell?” Linda asks. She points at a large picture of a stick with a iron hand on the end of it.

 

“That's a zhua,” Hartley says, nodding and smiling.

 

“It's an ancient Chinese weapon and I don't know why you included it on our wall,” Cisco says, ripping the picture down. “We've said nice and non-threatening.”

 

“But it's a weapon that's just a hand on a stick,” Hartley says. “It's amazing.”

 

“So, I see you've been productive on our nights off,” Patty says, studying the white boards, while Iris and Linda sit down at the back of the room, throwing each other suffering glances.

 

“That's cool,” Barry says and points at pictures of a spiked mace. “Are that screenshots from Lord of the Rings?”

 

Cisco glares at Hartley who just shrugs and says, “Has no one told you that you're supposed to make a presentation entertaining?”

 

* * *

 

It ends with the Sleepers going under that night with the mission to collect more data. If they want to build a good strategy they need to know more about the layout, those creatures, what the Sleepers are capable of doing. It's a bit surreal and feels more and more like a big role play instead of scientific research. But it's also kinda fun. Cisco always dreamed himself into the shoes of his favorite heroes as a child. It's like his daydreams are coming true (though he had always preferred the space setting).

 

“I'll prove you wrong, guys,” Linda says with a glare as they climb into the pods. She is of the opinion that they should be able to control the dreams. At least to some extend. The others say that they didn't have any control until now and that it is very unlikely.

 

Cisco closes his eyes and counts his heartbeats until he falls asleep.

 

They're back on the red dirt under that clouded dark sky. They meet up at the small patch of trees, and it's not long after that that the creatures appear on the wall again. Just the three at first and later on the fourth. This time the Sleepers are careful not to look at them.

 

Linda is panting, holding her side. “I checked out that gate. It's like ten minutes from her. If you run.”

 

“You look exhausted,” Patty says teasingly, but there is another, underlying tone in her voice.

 

“I'm trained for sprints. Not long-distance,” Linda gets out and Patty just grins at her.

 

They decide to look at the gate together, to see if that might be a way - - further. As they had talked about before going under they stay together and close to the water. The creatures on the wall watch them but stay put for the time, only howling at them in their high pitched voices.

 

And the weird thing is that they are definitely moving forward; Cisco sees it: the ground moving under his feet, the trees disappearing behind them. But whenever he looks to his right the creatures are still there, still motionless, still watching. To test them he watches them in return even though that is probably a stupid idea. They don't move. Unless they are standing on a conveyer belt there is no way they should be always right there, right in sight.

 

Maybe Cisco shouldn't worry about it, after all: he is dreaming. And he is definitely not alerting the others to the strangeness. But it still sits wrong with him. And after another minute he realizes why. Nothing here follows dream logic. Time passes normally, they get out of breath when they run, there are no weird location changes; this all feels extremely real. So anything out of the ordinary does stand out. Like those not moving yet always there creatures. He looks to them again, and--

 

“Oh shit,” He yells. “They're coming again.”

 

This time all of four of them lift up into the air. Not gracefully, more like it takes all their strength to to get from the ground, their whole body a violent motion upwards.

 

“Somehow I hoped this wouldn't happen,” Barry says, almost relaxed. “Do you think we should run?”

 

“Didn't work the last time,” Cisco says.

 

“Maybe this will work,” Linda says and then there is a swooshing sound. Cisco turns to her and she is - - holding a sword, almost her size, and it is on fire.

 

“Oh my god,” Iris yells, half startled, half amazed. “How did you do that?”

 

“I imagined holding it in my hands and - boom,” Linda says with a smirk. “I told you we can control it. This is our dream.”

 

“Well, then have fun with those,” Barry says. “I'm running away anyway.” And with that he is off.

 

Cisco throws a look to the four figures drawing close, and he remembers that awful crack when his head connected with the wall, and he decides he should be running, too. He is just a few feet behind Barry. He looks over his shoulder to see the first creature closing in on Linda, who waves about with her burning sword which actually seems to keep the creature away.

 

He almost stumbles and has to look forward again. Barry is gone. He couldn't have run that fast that he's already out of sight. Cisco's thoughts get cut short, a loud pang rings through the air. It feels like the ground shakes, the sound bouncing back from the wall. Cisco stumbles, this time for real, his hands connecting with the ground hard enough to draw blood. He looks around and sees one of the creatures falling to the ground, the impact sending another shock wave through the ground. He looks around wildly for a reason why this happened. Then he sees Patty, slowly turning to aim her rifle at the next creature. Linda stands behind her, looking pale even from the distant. Iris must have been running into Cisco's direction when this happened and is now crouching behind a small bolder to his right.

 

The other three creatures shriek, and the cry is so loud that Cisco's ears start to ring. They back off from Patty and Linda, and Cisco knows what's going to happen even before he sees their heads turn to him.

 

“Run!” Iris screams at him.

 

Cisco runs. He runs until his lungs are screaming at him. He can already feel the gush of winds over his head and then he is lifting off the ground again. He wants to scream but he is being tossed around wildly; first head up then down, the ground shrinking further away under him. When it finally stops, and he can look around he sees the other creatures in the distant but matching his height. They - - wait, they are all there. All three of them, not counting the one still lying lifeless on the ground. But if neither of them is carrying him how the fuck did he get up here?

 

He hears whooping sounds from under him. He sees figures that look like Iris and Linda jump up and down, apparently in excitement.

 

There is another gush of wind over his head and he finally looks up over his shoulder.

 

Wings. White, feathery wings span through the air. He follows them with his gaze as far as he can see. They are huge. And coming from his back. He is gliding through the air carried by wings.

 

One of the creature comes closer, and for a second he panics because how the fuck does he use his wings? But it is like breathing, his body reacts without his mind needing to give directions. He flies a wide curve, circling over the heads of his friends who are still yelling encouragements at him. He feels the air rushing over his face as he darts up again and it feels amazing, even though his stomach is starting to protest against the quick changes of directions.

 

He glides toward the wall, setting down behind the balustrade. Behind the wall: fire, mostly. A burning landscape; wind carrying ash and dust in Cisco's eyes.

 

But behind the fire: the clouds break – and there are no stars but maybe the idea of stars; of their cool light and a deep, deep night. Cisco knows: this is the way.

 

He just has to get the others over here somehow. He turns around, swaying from the unused weight on his back and jumps from the edge of the wall. His wings spread and he glides downwards until he spots one of his friends. Iris is taking cover behind another boulder and Cisco sets down next to her. She smiles at him breathless.

 

“That was amazing, Cisco,” She says, pulling him closer so his body is covered by the rock. Cisco grins back.

 

Patty sprints around the corner, flinging herself down next to Cisco. She is panting hard and she is covered in black goo.

 

“You guys have watched too many fantasy movies,” She says grimly and hands Cisco a gun.

 

“What am I supposed to do with this?” He asks her, holding the gun between two fingers.

 

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” Patty whispers. Iris takes the gun from Cisco's hands, all daughter of a police officer. Patty rolls her eyes at Cisco's incompetence that he refuses to be ashamed of, and says, “Good news is, we can take them down. Has anyone seen Barry?”

 

“No,” Iris says. “Haven't seen him since the beginning. Linda?”

 

“Burned herself on that stupid sword. Literally burst into flames,” Patty says. “That's why I prefer the simplicity of a gun.”

 

The wailing is coming closer again and Patty and Iris lean around the boulder on both sides and fire a few rounds. Judging by the increased shrieking they must have hit.

 

“Not so bad,” Patty says to Iris when they sit back and Iris salutes her with a grin. Cisco realizes that he's sitting between two very ruthless women.

 

Then it turns dark around them, and Cisco looks up just in time to see the rock dropping down on them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao do you remember when i said this would not go over 50k words? yeah, very wrong calculation. i have the rest of the story outlined now and it's still a long way to go. but at least i'll have something that i might actually turn into an original story for a book one day.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “And see, on every part, wide-stretching space,  
> Replete with bitter pain and torment ill”

Barry is still sleeping when they wake up. Linda is already in the staff room, snacking on the breakfast bar that being funded by STAR Labs gets you. When Cisco comes into the room she makes an excited sound with a mouth full of fruits and raises her hand for a high-five. Cisco indulges her with a dry grin.

 

“For someone who impaled themselves on a burning sword you're chipper,” He says while piling pancakes on a plate.

 

Linda swallows but doesn't answer him. Instead she waves Hartley over who just came into the room. “You won't believe this,” She says, shaking his arm. “It's so cool. We were like warriors.” Linda's excited voice draws more and more people in the room. “And Cisco had wings.”

 

“Wings?” Hartley asks, raising one eyebrow at Cisco who shrugs.

 

“Yeah, you should have seen it,” Iris chimes in, filling herself a cup of coffee. “Even I swooned a bit.”

 

“I can imagine,” Hartley says, somewhere between sarcasm and something else. “So, I guess that means you can control the dream. What's up with Barry?”

 

“We lost him,” Iris says. “As in: he was suddenly gone and nowhere to be seen.”

 

Barry wakes up almost an hour later, saying that he just didn't get killed and that apparently that is, once again, the only way to wake up from the dream. But they barely have time to think about the implications of that statement. Barry says he followed the wall for a very long time before he gave up. It stretches on forever. Nothing much changes; everything red dirt and hot air. He came by the gate, too, and it was locked but maybe they could break it open somehow. Cisco shares with the others what he had seen on top of the wall. They all agree that they'd try to either get through the gate or try to sprout some wings, too, the next time. Everyone is still excited from what they had experienced. Even though they didn't get much further it still feels like a victory. An it was a lot of fun, everyone agrees. Even Patty has to agree even though she keeps saying that they should take it more seriously.

 

“Not like we can actually die in a dream,” Linda says, leaning over to Patty. “But thanks for protecting us anyway. Next time you should trie to do something fun, too. You could turn into a dragon. That would be badass.”

 

“I don't know if I can let go that much,” Patty says and laughs. “I lack the creativity. I guess the discipline is just so deep-wired into me from my training, you know.” She shrugs.

 

“Oh, we get you to turn into a dragon,” Linda promises solemnly.

 

* * *

 

Really, Cisco should have known the breakdown was inevitable. He has been wearing himself so thin lately, telling himself everything is okay and it almost feels that way when he is with the other Sleepers and they joke around, or Hartley keeps him busy with research. But as soon as his mind is unoccupied there is this gaping void that threatens to swallow him whole.

 

Caitlin takes him out for dinner one evening. They go to their favorite restaurant: a little Korean place at the waterfront. It makes the best bibimbap in town in their opinion and sitting on the plastic chairs under colorful fairy lights has a certain charm. It's warm enough to sit outside and Cisco looks over the illuminated city harbor. There are teenager milling around, letting their feet dangle over the water and laughing loudly. There is the faint smell of one-time-grills and cigarette smoke in the air. Seagulls lurk above their heads, looking for their next victim, while the yachts and sailboats of the wealthy sway slowly on the dark water.

 

It is a perfect spring night and they are sipping iced tea, waiting for their food to arrive. Cisco feels lightheaded and he stares at the moon breaking through the clouds on the horizon. Everything feels so still in that moment, even though there is so much life around him. He sits there, completely still and not thinking about anything. Just listening inside himself, as if opening the lid of a pot you had forgotten on the stove for a week, the same anxious trepidation, the same thought of how will I get this clean again?

 

“We haven't talked in a while,” Caitlin says.

 

He hums in agreement. They hadn't. Not really. Of course they talk almost everyday at the labs but not about their personal lives. Cisco thinks he doesn't even have a personal life anymore, even his sleep invaded by - - well, what it is? Work? The study is more than work; had been from the beginning.

 

“How's it going with Ronnie?” Cisco asks.

 

Caitlin dives into a long monologue about her current boyfriend which she is still dating, and Cisco realizes that he might actually have to get to know him. He knows that his instant dislike of anyone Caitlin dates is ridiculous but until now all his unfounded suspicions had turned out to be true. But Caitlin had the same tendency with people he dated, culminating in her open hatred for Lisa, and he knows how annoying it is so maybe he should be the bigger person and try to like that Ronnie guy. Or at least give him a fair chance. What he realizes, too, is that he is not longer the only person Caitlin trusts. That she has someone else to rely on. It is a relief him even though his happiness for her is still tinted by a bit of jealousy. But he guesses, that's allowed as her best friend.

 

They eat and talk and Cisco almost feels normal again, a numbness lifting from him witch each word. But under that numbness lies an emotional rawness that makes him want to curl in on himself. After their meal they walk along the water edge and Cisco hold his face in the cool breeze. It's so different from their dreamland where the water is muddy brown and the wind hot.

 

“If you're not going to say anything, I have to ask,” Caitlin says, hooking her arm through his. “What is going between Harrison and you?”

 

Cisco almost says, nothing, but Caitlin deserves the truth. Though he doesn't know where he should even start.

 

“I remember you saying that you didn't want to get involved with him again,” She says patiently.

 

“Yeah, I did say that,” Cisco says and laughs. He is surprised by how sad he sounds. “I guess, I changed my mind? I don't know if - - it was always there or it just happened along the way but the hormone shock after my first dream definitely jump started it.”

 

“Well, he is good catch. You know, fame, money - -” Caitlin trails off with a sympathetic smile, mirroring her words from the beginning.

 

“Yeah, right,” Cisco says and laughs but there are tears welling up in his eyes.

 

“I know you talked during that city key event thing,” She coaxes him along.

 

“He told me that he loves me,” Cisco says toneless. It's a fact. That were the words that came out of Harry's mouth.

 

“But that's a good thing, isn't it?” Caitlin asks.

 

Cisco stops walking. There is the anger again, boiling just under his skin. Oh god, he is so fucking hurt. “You know, Caitlin,” He says. “I'm starting to think I don't understand anything about how the world works anymore. I used to think that was a good thing, too.”

 

Caitlin takes his hands in hers and squeezes them. “I talked to him. He said at first he wasn't sure if your feelings were - - not a side effect of the hormone dosage. I do understand that line of thinking. You were not yourself the first few weeks.”

 

Cisco wants to tear his hands free from Caitlin, wants to jump into the water next to him and disappear into it. “At first- What does he think now?” He asks instead.

 

“Honestly, I don't think he knows what to think,” Caitlin says.

 

“Do you know what it's like to have your feelings invalidated like that?” Cisco whispers. He is surprised that he even gets the words out; his throat is closing up, an aching line towards his heart.

 

“I'm sorry,” Caitlin says.

 

“If he doesn't trust me, okay,” Cisco shrugs. “What am I supposed to do about that. But then he could at least stay away. Stop touching me like – like he's allowed to. Like he has not thrown away any right to that.” He should not touch me like he means it, Cisco doesn't say.

 

Caitlin hugs him close, swaying from side to side. “I'm so sorry, Cisco,” She whispers. “He shouldn't treat you like that.”

 

Cisco feels himself shaking in her arms, and he thinks he might shatter into his atoms right here.

 

* * *

 

It takes them a few tries to get through that wall after all. Often only one or two get over the wall or through the gate – which is easy enough to blow up – but those creatures are still a force to be reckoned with. Often enough the Sleepers get turned into stone or tossed through the air.

 

In that time Barry reveals how he got lost during that first dream. Cisco is running for his life, once again, trying his hardest to will his wings to appear but it's not working this time. Then he notices Barry running at his side which is weird because he hadn't been there just a second ago. Barry grins at Cisco looking relaxed like he is taking a stroll through the park on a sunny day.

 

“I thought,” Barry says not even out of breath. “If we can control the dream, why should running be hard?”

 

He offers Cisco a hand that he takes, still a bit confused about what Barry is trying to tell him. Then he feels a yank on his arm and the scenery turns into a blur. It stops after a few seconds and Cisco topples over, heaving and gasping for air. He turns around himself and realizes that they must be really far away from the place they started. The creatures, once right at his back, are now only dots on the horizon.

 

“What the hell,” Cisco gasps and leans on Barry who is still grinning for support. “That was super cool. But don't do that again.”

 

“You can try it, too,” Barry says. “It's just like the rest of the stuff; a matter of belief.”

 

So, they play around for a while but since they realized what they can do inside the dream it was always just a question of time when they would make it over that wall. When they finally succeed, all five of them behind the wall, all pretty banged up but alive, the only creature that is left alive stops it wailing. It descends onto the wall; it is the largest one, the one who's gleaming eyes turn people into stone so they all avert their eyes. Cisco readies himself for another attack.

 

But it never comes. There is just the heat of the burning fires prickling on his skin and the loud breaths of the others next to him. He foolishly looks up. The creature has turned into a statue itself. She looks more like a young woman now, her robe intact, flowing around her gray body. She looks into the distant, into the direction they have to go, and her hair - - there are a thousands snakes made of stone just as the rest of her cascading from her head.

 

“Medusa,” Iris says next to Cisco.

 

“Ehm, guys,” Linda says. “Not to ruin the mood or anything. But the gate is- gone.”

 

Cisco turns to look. And she is right. They are standing right next to the spot in the wall where the gate used to be. But there is only rough stone now. There is no other way than forward. Cisco turns around to face what might lay ahead. As far as his eyes can see there are fires burning. He walks up to one of those fires and realizes that there is a hole in the ground from where the flames rush out, roaring loudly and intense. Cisco goes as close as he dares before his hairs might get burned off. He tries to get a look into the hole. He thinks he sees movement; and not just the flames. Something else. The movement grows larger, as if it has noticed that Cisco is watching it. Suddenly a hand shoots up in the flames; blistering skin and warped in agony. Cisco stumbles back. He looks around. All the fires are coming out of holes like this. And then he notices the low hum in the air that he always had thought was the noise of the fires. But now it sounds rather like a constant low whimper of pain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the sudden return of weird metaphors.  
> why is love always such a negotiating of rights? like a taking and giving and more often just always giving in our perception. to cite richard siken: "I swear, I end up feeling empty, like you’ve taken something out of me, and I have to search my body for the scars, thinking Did he find that one last tender place to sink his teeth in?"


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Wishing I could see them back in nations  
> Understand the toil of expectations in your mind  
> Hold me like you never lost your patience  
> Tell me that you love me more than hate me all the time
> 
> And you're still mine"  
> Lost on you - LP

When the Sleepers wake up victorious, just after a few minutes of standing between the burning holes without any real reason as to why, but nonetheless having slain the beast in a matter of speaking, Hartley says they should celebrate. He almost invites them all to a restaurant but then decides in the face of money and privacy issues, that instead Harrison should throw them a party in STAR Labs. Harrison who is already resigned to following every one of Hartley's whim, does so. No one can ever know that two of his former students are holding him financial and emotional hostage or he would loose all his credibility. He is still thinks they are worth it though, so he indulges Hartley's wish. There is a roof deck in the STAR Labs building just for such events and Harrison orders food and drinks and sends everyone home who is not involved with the project.

 

The party is not supposed to start until the evening but everyone shows up sooner or later in the afternoon like they do not know what to do with free time anymore. So they sit in the slowly sinking sun, getting slowly drunk on white wine and chatter, still riding the high of victory. It is not just the the head scientists and the Sleepers but the nurses and security guards and poor interns who definitely do not get paid enough for this hell show are invited, too. They all have gotten to know each other over the last months and somehow it had indeed bound them together in a way. Though the security guys are a bit wary after being beaten up by sleepwalking Patty one to many times.

 

Somewhere around eight Harrison excuses himself from the party and saunters to his office. He said there was something important he had to check on but to tell the truth, there is only so much of drunk Patty and Linda awkwardly hitting on each other he can take on one night. The skin on his face feels tight, he didn't get a sunburn from the few hours of afternoon sun, did he? He lingers in a hallway in front of a large glass wall. Inside there are only the emergency lights on and outside the last light of the day illuminates the sky in deep blue shades.

 

There are footsteps coming his way and he turns to see Cisco standing at the end of the hallway. For a second he thinks Cisco is going to turn around and leave. But he walks slowly towards Harrison and as he gets closer Harrison can see the look on his face. And Harrison does not know what it is - the achievement, the wine, the summer atmosphere on a spring night – Harrison meets Cisco halfway, almost lifting him off the ground in his arms, and they kiss like they have been starving for it. Harrison pulls Cisco hard against him, one hand on his neck to direct him. Cisco runs his hands over Harrison's body, not that Harrison would really notice because Cisco mouth is on his, warm and soft, tasting sweet. He licks over Cisco's lips and then in his mouth, needing him more and much, much closer. Cisco moans and sways and Harrison has to pull him upright again and - -

 

Harrison leans back, immediately going back in to catch Cisco before he crumbles to the ground. Is he drunk? Did he get a sunstroke? It is April, goddamnit. Cisco looks dazed back up at him.

 

“Are you okay?” Harrison asks.

 

“Mmh, very much,” Cisco says, a lazy smile spreading over his face. “Just need to lie down for a sec.”

 

Drunk, Harrison thinks while he keeps Cisco from stretching out on the floor. Then Cisco's eyes roll up and he goes limp in Harry's arms. Harrison groans and pinches the bridge of his nose for a moment before he screams for help.

 

* * *

 

When Cisco wakes up again they have already carried him into the med bay of the sleep lab, and Caitlin had confirmed what Harrison had suspected: Cisco wasn't drunk. He was something else.

 

“How do you feel?” Caitlin asks when Cisco blinks awake, looking at all the people hovering around his bed. Almost everyone has shuffled in the too small room to worry about Cisco.

 

“What - - Where? How did I get here?” Cisco asks.

 

“What is the last thing you remember?” Caitlin asks.

 

“I was- We were up on the - - and I think I wanted to go to the bathroom. And then nothing.”

 

At this point Harrison thinks it should not hurt so much anymore. But it does, god, it does.

 

Everyone talks at Cisco until Caitlin shoos them away and closes the door behind herself with one last heavy look at Harrison. Cisco still looks so confused, so lost and suddenly it makes Harrison absurdly angry. He could throw something against the wall if it would not scare Cisco to death.

 

“What?” Cisco asks into the room. He is really amazing at sounding like a petulant child.

 

“I was with you when you fainted,” Harrison says. “Do you really not remember it?”

 

“No, I-” He looks at Harrison finally. “What were we doing?”

 

“We were kissing,” Harrison says and he tries to play it off, to make himself numb but he still sounds so pained, even to his own ears.

 

He does not know what he expects from Cisco. He averts his eyes and nods, one time. “Well thank you for not lying,” He says. Then he adds quietly, “Convenient for you I guess.”

 

“What did you just say?” Harrison asks. A heavy weight settles on his chest.

 

Cisco throws his legs over the edge of the bed and looks up at Harrison. “I'm just saying. Convenient. You can make out with me but don't have to deal with me afterward.”

 

“Since I just told you about it, I very much have to deal with you right now,” Harrison snaps. He really doesn't like what Cisco is implying here.

 

“Sorry for having feelings and shit,” Cisco snaps right back, pushing himself off the bed. “Maybe you're lucky and the next time you decide to pay attention to me I black out, too. Then you don't have to make the mistake of telling me about it again.” The last part is snarled, Cisco's face twisted into a furious grimace.

 

“That's really what you think of me?” Harrison says coldly. There is a realization settling in his chest that maybe they have been both not really seeing each other the whole time, but a ten-year younger version. That over all that time they fell in love with someone who is not there anymore, might not even have existed in the first place. He counts the conversations he had with Cisco since they met again, the real ones, that were not snark or flirt, and it is a disturbingly low number. Ten years are a long time to build up expectations. He will never be that Harry that Cisco has in his head. And Cisco will never be the reckless, stupid, courageous, young man that he had turned into in Harrison's mind. He might have been reckless once, and stupid and courageous. But he was so many other things, too. Petty. Resentful. Annoying. All that is standing in front of him now.

 

The moment when you look at the person you love and it is like the light has changed. And for that moment you cannot stand them.

 

(Of course you still love them. You still do. You will for a while. Maybe forever. And maybe you will realize that the change of light was just a cloud drifting before the sun. Or the light will never change back again.)

 

“What do you think of _me_?” Cisco yells. He walks forward until he is right in Harrison's space, hands balled to fists at his sides. “I know I fucked up last time. I know I shouldn't have just run away when I got scared. And I'm sorry about it. But you're not even giving me a chance to prove myself to you.”

 

Harrison is floored. He swallows and tries to come up with words. He wants to say, you don't know how bad it was. He wants to say, you broke my heart. But he cannot bring himself to say it out loud. The anger inside him calms down, replaced by a bone deep sadness.

 

“I have to think about it - - this,” Harrison says finally, “And I can't with everything that is going on right now. That wouldn't be fair to either of us. I'm sorry that I overstepped your boundaries. It's not going to happen again.”

 

Harrison can see the rage leaving Cisco, tension melding away, his shoulders slumping down until he looks as exhausted as Harrison feels. “I don't understand you,” Cisco says, a pleading tone in his voice.

 

Harrison crosses his arms in an effort not to reach over and touch Cisco, to comfort him because he cannot right now anyway. “I don't want it to end like last time,” He says, trying to put his hesitance into words. “I told you I- I couldn't take it again.”

 

“And this is better?” Cisco asks, voice wavering and disbelieving. Harrison clenches his teeth because he has to believe so, because he cannot admit to Cisco that he is just as lost as him.

 

Cisco stares at him for a moment longer then he turns around, collects his stuff and leaves the room. Harrison rubs his hand over his face. What the hell is he doing?

 

* * *

 

And it is still so worryingly awkward between them, but Harrison truly thinks that maybe he cannot make it worse with inaction, even though it still leaves them to situations like this:

 

They have a meeting, all of them, the Sleepers and the scientists and Harrison wants to slip out of the meeting room quickly before it starts to get some notes. In the same moment Cisco walks in through the door, and they almost run into each other. This exact situation, with a couple of different parameters, has happened at least five times in the last week. Harrison thinks the universe is playing a sick joke on him.

 

But this time Cisco does not shy away, does not avert his gaze. Instead Harrison watches Cisco's look go hard and distant, then he is swaying and clutching the door knob. Harrison reaches for him but Cisco is snarling now, “Don't touch him.”

 

Harrison takes a step back, sudden realization from when he knows that expression, so through and through _not_ Cisco. The other people in the room are starting to notice that there is something going on. Caitlin is at Harrison side while Cisco glides along the wall until he is in the corner of the room, looking at his hands as if they are completely new to him.

 

“No, no. This is not supposed to happen,” He whispers to himself.

 

Caitlin moves forward, slowly, with her hands in front of her, palms turned skyward. “Hey, Cisco. What's going on?” Harrison really admires her in this moment because all he wants to do is run away.

 

Cisco looks up, acknowledging their existence again. “Everything is a-okay. I just need to sit down for a minute,” He says while he glides down the wall.

 

“He referred to himself in the third person again,” Harrison says to Caitlin.

 

“What?” Cisco says weakly. “I did not. Well, yeah, I did. It was a joke. You know what that is?” His hands are visibly shaking and he clutches them together as if to make them stop.

 

“Are you dizzy?” Caitlin asks, crouching down in front of Cisco, still slowly getting closer.

 

“Yeah, a bit,” Cisco says, closing his eyes. “I just need to black out real quick. Reboot the system, y'know.” He hits his head against the wall, not really hard, but it still looks painful.

 

“Cisco,” Caitlin says, and there is a hardness in her voice suddenly. “You need to tell me what is going on. Right now.”

 

Cisco opens his eyes again, and regards her with a little smile. “Oh, Caitlin. Brave, smart Caitlin.”

 

Before she can answer there is movement behind them and a voice. “You have to get out. Leave the room.”

 

Harrison turns around. Behind them Patty is standing with crossed arms. “Get away from him,” She says, loud and clear, glaring at Caitlin and Harrison.

 

“What are you doing?” Cisco says, and he sounds exhausted.

 

When Patty realizes that no one is going to move, she pushes past them until she can bend over Cisco. Harrison hears her say quietly, “You know he is more important than her.”

 

Then she hits Cisco. Swift and hard. He is out instantly, collapsing against the wall. Harrison gapes at Patty. What the hell is going on right now? He slowly inches away from Patty.

 

Then security guards enter the room; someone must have called them, and they drag Patty away. Caitlin is already kneeling next to Cisco, pulling his head into her lap. She is stroking over his hair and murmuring something to him. Harrison turns around to look at the rest of the room. He stares into faces that look just as horrified as he feels.

 

Patty does not speak anymore, sits still on one of the beds in the med bay and lets Caitlin prod her with needles. Harrison watches her in a careful distance, and he gets the same unsettling feeling, that she is somehow _less_ herself, like something is missing. She has the same – not distant but maybe disconnected look as Cisco had.

 

The only movement Harrison notes is that she rolls her eyes at one point, probably annoyed by Caitlin's non-stop poking. Then – out of nothing – she throws a tantrum until Caitlin, with the help of security guards holding her down, sedates her. Somehow Harrison thinks that was Patty's intention. He keeps thinking about how Cisco had said that he needed to black out. To reboot.

 

When Harrison gets to his office some time later after Cisco and Patty both woke up without any memories of the incident he finds Caitlin and Hartley helping themselves to his secret liquor stash.

  

“How did you even know I had that?” Harrison asks them while he accepts a glass from Hartley.

 

“Come one,” Hartley says. “Every boss has alcohol in his office somewhere, hidden or not.”

 

Caitlin nips at the golden-brown liquid and pulls a face. She settles on the couch and sighs gravely.

 

“Do you know what I think this is?” Hartley says to her. “And in what kind of trouble we are if it is.”

 

“I know,” Caitlin says, taking another sip and making the same disgusted face again. “And I know.”

 

“Well, I don't,” Harrison says. “So could you two geniuses maybe enlighten me?”

 

“Dissociative Identity Disorder,” Caitlin sighs and leans her head against the wall behind her. “Split personalities. It could be that the dreams – that we put so much strain on them that they – splintered in a way. No one really knows how it happens or why and research indicates that something like that usually starts in childhood. But what is normal about all of this anyway. There is no way to treat it.”

 

“It would explain why they keep talking about themselves in the third person,” Hartley says, almost chipper but by this time Harrison knows that this is Hartley's way to deal with stress situations. “I we really induced it, we're screwed. We can forget working in any kind of scientific field ever again.” He laughs and downs the rest of his whiskey.

 

Harrison is speechless. They did--

 

“It's highly unlikely that both Cisco and Patty have the same psychosis,” Caitlin says. “They talked to each other as if they both knew something that we all didn't.”

 

“Or maybe they're just both going crazy,” Hartley says, pulling at his hair until it stands into every direction again. Now he sounds slightly panicked, too. “Maybe Patty just heard that Cisco wanted to black out and went for it.”

 

“The first time this happened was weeks ago,” Harrison says now, and it is hard to get the words out. “Weeks ago. And we just went on.”

 

“Look, there are some tests I can run,” Caitlin says, swaying a little as she gets up. “Actual DID is really rare, and as I said, it is very unlikely that it happened to both of them. Maybe they're simply dissociating or having seizures.”

 

“I love that in our lives seizures are the simple option,” Hartley says as he refills his glass. His voice is reaching the panic level that Harrison is feeling right now.

 

Harrison thinks back to the other instant where Cisco blacked out and lost his memory. The night of the party. He did not seem as distant then but he definitely did not act like Cisco would have normally. Harrison feels sick. He should have noticed something was off. He should have-

 

He should be smarter in the future.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry i'm so sorry but it will only get better from now on. - - i mean not really but - it will!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for body horror
> 
> “Ye seem to know beforehand that which time  
> Leads with him, of the present uninform'd.”

“Aw, he's smiling,” Cisco says.

 

“You wanna hold him?” Dante asks.

 

“Sure,” Cisco says and takes the boy from his brother. The baby looks up at him, making nonsense noises. “He's so cute. Are you sure you're the father?”

 

Dante laughs. They are in the bedroom of Dante's and Maria's house, the afternoon sun painting the room in orange tones. Voices and and the sound of clattering dishes drift through the open door. Cisco searches the baby's face for any familiar features but with almost a year the little boy still looks like most babies.

 

“You know you could get one of your own,” Dante says.

 

Cisco snorts, “Yeah, I'm gonna pick one up on the way home.”

 

“No, seriously,” Dante says. “You're good with kids. You'd be a great dad.”

 

Cisco watches the boy babble in his arms. “I don't know. Maybe. I never really thought about it.” He looks through the window into the backyard. That's there lives now. All grown-up. Living in their own houses. Making a family of their own. “I don't think _he_ wants another kid. I think the one is already driving him crazy,” He adds.

 

Dante frowns. Takes the boy from Cisco and puts him back into the crib. “Time for a nap, buddy.”

 

“Anyway, I'll have enough work being an uncle,” Cisco says to wipe that frown from Dante's face.

 

“Don't forget godfather,” Dante says and smiles again.

 

“Yeah, right,” Cisco says. “But enough about me. How are you dealing with all this?” All the changes?

 

“You know, I'm good,” Dante says and looks at his son. “I mean I don't sleep ever and I think this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But I'm happy. I really am.” He smiles at Cisco, pats him on the shoulder. They're not quite at hugging yet. “I feel like I have a purpose for the first time in my life. I think this is what I'm supposed to do, what I'm good at.”

 

Dante really does look happier, more relaxed, like he has grown more into himself. Cisco hopes he gets there, too, one day. He knows that Dante always thought that Cisco was the one who got it all figured it out, followed his dream, left him behind in the dust. But when Cisco is completely honest with himself, he's only been running away from home, as fast as he could. And he hadn't stopped running until something, someone tied him down again.

 

“That's good,” He says to Dante and he means it. “Glad to hear that.” And he smiles even when it hurts. He looks outside again where Maria is setting up the table for dinner. It's good to be here, to see Dante smile at his son, to be welcome in his house. And it isn't a competition, he knows that now. Knows that he and Dante aren't even playing the same game.

 

“Man, I'm starving,” Dante says. “Come on.” Cisco follows him out in-

 

Cisco wakes up.

 

He rises slowly, disoriented. Right, he was dreaming. A vision. He looks around. Barry's pod is empty. Iris blinks at him from the other side of the room, coming up at the same time as him. Linda and Patty are still asleep.

 

Cisco realizes he has really gotten used to this. That he might even miss it. In some weird way. He thinks about Dante. He gets up to look for someone to write down his vision. He sees Hartley disappearing at the end of an hallway before Cisco gets the chance to say hello. Hartley always got that guilty look on his face lately, avoiding Cisco and denying doing so. They still share a house and Cisco can't pin him down for a conversation longer than two minutes. He doesn't bother finding out what he is hiding. Caitlin and Harry share that guilty look so he knows it's big. And that they won't share it with him means its bad. It makes him feel uneasy. There is already so much he doesn't know about himself, so much he doesn't _remember_. But he's too tired to confront them about it. Feels like he has been wearing himself thin just trying to be seen as capable of handling things.

 

He finds an intern to write down his vision, not even worrying about bearing his future to this half-stranger anymore. He gotten used to people knowing what's going to happen to him. It all feels so unreal anyway. Changes clothes. Avoids the staff room, instead buying a coffee on the way over to Ramon Enterprises. Stares at the logo next to the floor number for too long. Jackie has her feet up on his office desk, talking to someone on a headset.

 

“Busy running my empire?” He asks when she has finished.

 

“If we don't bring something new on the market this year, we won't be able to pay rent,” She answers without getting her feet off his desk. “That's what finances is saying.”

 

“Shit, fuck,” Cisco says. “What's with project 3B?”

 

“Well,” Jackie says slowly. “It's still in beta testing. But I can tell them to rush it. But Clearwater says he wants you to look over it before they move ahead. I feel some insecurity on his part.”

 

“That's your professional opinion?” Cisco asks, dropping his bag off on the couch.

 

“As an assistant I have perfected the art of reading people,” Jackie says and finally gets her feet of the desk just to swirl around in Cisco's chair. “That's how I know I can do this without you firing me.”

 

“You've got a point,” Cisco says. “I'm gonna go down to the lab. Anything you need me to look at?”

 

“Nope,” Jackie says. “You look good, by the way. Are you sleeping better?”

 

Cisco laughs. “Sometimes I don't know if you're making fun of me or not.”

 

“Always assume I'm serious,” Jackie says. “Have fun with Clearwater.”

 

“Have fun in my office,” Cisco shoots back and leaves her to roll around in his chair some more.

 

The day turns into him taking apart what his engineers have done to project 3B and putting it together in the right way. It goes excruciating slow but he can switch his mind off and just work with his hands so he's almost glad for it. Head engineer Clearwater is as red as a tomato, apologizing again and again. His work isn't half-bad, most of the time it's actually excellent or Cisco would never have hired him. But he lacks a certain creativity when it comes to solving problems. And he's so fucking insecure, Jackie is right. Cisco is getting more annoyed at his behavior than at his failure. So when he goes home that night the headache is probably mostly Clearwater's fault.

 

Home still means Hartley's place. And really, it shouldn't feel like home but Cisco is comfortable the way you are when you stay over at a good friends place. He knows his way around, knows what he's allowed to touch and what not, they don't even annoy each other which had been Cisco's main concern.

 

This evening Hartley has barricaded himself in his office on the second floor. He hears him through the door, yelling something in god knows what language. Cisco goes straight to bed. No sense in staying up with this headache anyway. He falls asleep instantly.

 

He is on a beach. There are flowers growing out of him. He is on a beach and there is something inside of him; sprouting, growing. He watches the flowers sway in the breeze.

 

He is walking down a crowded street and then he stops. He notices a group of people in the distance. Some random guy he knows from College, Caitlin and Harry. They are talking. He makes his way over to them but before he can get close enough to hear what they are talking about Harry leaves. Caitlin looks at Cisco when he gets to them. She seems happy. They talk.

 

He is on a beach. He is laying on his back, the sand wet, his clothes soaked through. There are flowers growing out of him, colorful, beautiful, swaying in the breeze.

 

He is in a room with people he doesn't know. They're all talking but he doesn't understand a word. Someone gives him an orange and tells him he can't eat it because it's poisoned. He knows he can't die for some reason so he only laughs at the person and bites into the orange. The person looks at him in shock. Cisco is dying but he's also not. He watches himself crumble to the floor. He looks at the orange, drops it. He licks the juice from his hand and thinks that he can't die.

 

He is falling apart. There is a seam running through him from his head downwards and it's starting to unravel. The thread is being pulled apart and he watches as he slowly falls apart. His head splits; each side pulled down by gravity. Then his chest opens, the bone white of his ribcage flashes for a moment. The cut goes clean through him and he falls apart until he is two halves; both almost identical except for the heart.

 

He is lying on the bottom of a pit. He is burning. This time it hurts. He raises his hand, sees the skin blistering. He screams.

 

Hartley is shaking him awake. The light is turned on in the room and Hartley looks scared and tired. Cisco shoots up, clutching at the blankets. Looks at his hands. They look normal. No burned skin. He sinks down again, his heart still hammering in his chest.

 

“You're safe,” Hartley says. “Just a dream. It was just a dream.”

 

Cisco knows that Hartley knows it wasn't _just_ a dream. This doesn't happen. Cisco doesn't dream. Not outside of the pods anyway.

 

“Okay,” Cisco breathes. Uncurls his hands. Clutches them again.

 

“Fuck,” Hartley says and falls back against the headboard with a sigh. “You scared the living hell out of me.”

 

Cisco is still reeling from the implications. He's dreaming again. Having nightmares again. He should know this routine by heart but the shock is still sitting deep inside his bones. He sinks even deeper into his pillow. He looks up at Hartley sitting next to him. He has one hand over his face, elbow propped up on his knee and looks like he might have just fallen asleep like this. But then he moves again. Rubs his temples. Looks down at Cisco.

 

“You were screaming.”

 

“I was burning,” Cisco says.

 

“Shit, man,” Hartley says and it's so heartfelt and so untypical for him that Cisco almost has to laugh even with his guts still in a twist. Hartley looks so exhausted, and he still won't talk about what is scaring him so bad he spends the nights making phone calls to the ends of the world. But he's still here. Sits at Cisco side in the middle of the night and doesn't know how to deal with other people's emotions and tries anyway. For Cisco he had always at least tried.

 

“Do you think this is going to be a thing now?” Cisco asks when he can form the words.

 

Hartley's eyebrows knit together and his hand twitches as if he wants to reach out to Cisco. But he doesn't. “Means you're getting normal,” He says, voice rough. “Was just a matter of time after you got off your meds anyway.”

 

Cisco reaches up to his nose but his finger come away clean. No blood. “At least it's not the insects,” He tries for a joke. “That would've been old.”

 

Hartley shakes his head, a little exasperated.

 

Cisco has to ask the question that has been burning at the back of his mind for quite some time now. Maybe even since the moment Hartley walked into his office all those months ago. “What do you except to find at the end of all this?”

 

Hartley frowns. Looks up at the ceiling. Then he pulls the blanket over his bare feet. “That's not how it works,” He says as if Cisco should know that. “I don't expect anything. You couldn't discover anything new if you were only walking with a goal in mind. Could this amount to absolutely nothing? Sure. But that's the risk you have to take.”

 

Cisco thinks about it. When he creates something he always has a goal in mind, a function the device is supposed to fulfill. He thinks about that awful night where Hartley had driven him home, Cisco clouded in misery and curled on the backseat, the way Hartley had lingered at his bed, brushed the hair from his forehead. He thinks about university, how Hartley had thrown a plate of pasta at him in the cafeteria when he couldn't win an argument. Thinks about they time Cisco lost a bet against him and almost shaved off his hair before Hartley had said that if he wouldn't even be nice to look at he couldn't possibly put up with him. And there is still something missing, something Cisco thinks he should get. Should remember.

 

“Is it worth it,” Cisco says. “To take that risk. Right now.”

 

Hartley pushes his cold feet against Cisco legs and smiles when Cisco startles and wiggles away. “I've been wracking my mind about that question,” He says.

 

“What's your conclusion?”

 

“It still is.” Hartley looks away when he says it. Cisco almost admires the nerves the guy has to say this after Cisco woke up screaming just ten minutes ago. But he knows that Hartley won't lie to him to comfort him. “Unless it's inflicting permanent damage,” Hartley goes on, “I think we should go on with the trials. We've came so far. If we give up now it would have been for nothing.”

 

Cisco nods. “Okay.” He can accept that. Not that he wants to stop. But the nightmare scared him. “Stay with me?” He asks. He doesn't want to be alone right now.

 

Hartley looks at him. “You're going to be the death of me, Francisco Ramon.”

 

He stays. They keep the lights on. Hartley drifts off just before the sun comes up but Cisco pokes him until he wakes up again. In those morning hours Hartley looks like he is at the edge of saying something. But he doesn't.

 

* * *

 

Cisco gets a call from Dante just after finding out that the Sleepers all been having nightmares outside the pods. All the same, over and over again; burning. He answers his phone without looking at who it is and he is just so tired. Until now the horror had been contained to the sleep lab and Cisco could prepare for it before going in. Now it is spilling into their everyday live.

 

“Hey, lil' bro,” Dante says cheerily over the line and Cisco almost chokes on his coffee. “How's it going?”

 

“Um. Alright,” Cisco says, caught off guard.

 

But Dante is already talking again, “Look, you have to come to dinner tonight. Maria and I have some news for the family.”

 

He stares at his coffee for a while after he hangs up. Iris comes over and asks him what's going on.

 

“My brother invited me to dinner to tell us that his girlfriend is pregnant and I already know how the child will look like.”

 

“Oh, that's nice,” Iris says and means it.

 

“I should bet with him on the gender.” Cisco chuckles humorless. “Doesn't it freak you out sometime? That you know what's going to happen?” They've been back to having regular visions, Hartley calls it stage six. Cisco isn't sure if he wants to know all that he sees in his dreams.

 

Iris shrugs. “I think I've gotten used to it.”

 

He makes his way to his parent's home around seven. Everyone is already there. Maria hugs him and Cisco kisses his mother on the cheek.

 

“Hey, Cisco!” His brother yells from the door to the kitchen, waving him over.

 

Dante is standing in the kitchen with their father. He looks like he is going to burst any minute, grinning from one ear to the other. Their father watches him bemused.

 

“I know mom doesn't like it so shh.” Dante holds one finger to his lips and pulls a bottle out of a paper bag with the other hand.

 

“Dios mios, Dante. Rum?” Their father says as Dante gets three glasses.

 

“You don't want to know how expensive this was,” Dante says and fills the glasses.

 

“Your brother is going crazy,” Their father says to Cisco. “If you would know what I had to hear from him until you came.”

 

“So what if I am? Here.” Dante distributes the glasses. “You have to go crazy from time to time.”

 

“I'll drink to that,” Cisco says and clinks his glass with Dante's who smiles widely at him. Their father shakes his head but he joins their glasses and then they drink. The rum burns down Cisco's throat but it's sweeter than he had expected.

 

“What are you men doing in here?” Their mother's voice announces her. Dante quickly puts the bottle away and Cisco collects the glasses and drops them into the sink. When their mother rounds the corner their both standing side by side, smiling at her. She stops dead in her tracks.

 

“The last time you two were looking at me like this you had thrown in a window of Ms. Reynolds across the street. I don't trust this look. What is going on?” She looks to her husband.

 

“If I would know,” He sighs. “Their your children.” He loves to joke about the fact that he isn't their biological father even though he raised them both since Cisco was a year old. It mostly earns him a light smack from their mother on the arm. This time she just glares at him and shoos them out of the kitchen to the dinner table.

 

Cisco sits down with the urge to pinch himself. Maybe he fell asleep at work and he's just dreaming all this. He knows he isn't but the later it gets and the easier the conversation flows between them the more surreal it feels.

 

“We have to tell you something,” Maria says when everyone has finished eating. She smiles at Dante who takes her hand. His brother really lucked out with Maria. She is beautiful, short dark hair and deep dimples. And Cisco thinks she must be a saint for putting up with his brother but that might just be his point of view.

 

“So- I'm pregnant,” Maria says and then all hell breaks loose. Everyone is hugging and yelling. Cisco feels himself getting dragged into the frenzy until he is face to face with Dante and can see the hesitation in his eyes. Dante smiles awkwardly and makes a little helpless motion with his arms, somewhere between a shrug and reaching for Cisco.

 

And maybe it is simply the right moment; a moment where Dante is willing to reach out to him and Cisco is willing to reach out, too. Maybe it is a simple matter of coincidence, one of those beautiful moments that only happen so often in the span of one life, where everything comes together perfectly.

 

Cisco pulls him into an hug and maybe it's a little weird and forced but he means it. He is happy for Dante. Better even, he thinks he can even like this Dante.

 

Cisco steps back and nods at Dante. He nods back. Then Cisco quickly turns to Maria to escape Dante's gaze. He hugs her, too, and she laughs next to his ear.

 

* * *

 

“I can't do this anymore,” Caitlin says. “You look awful Cisco.”

 

“Gee, thank you, Caitlin,” Cisco says.

 

They're sitting in a conference room with Hartley and Harry, currently discussing where to take the trials next and going over preliminary results. Caitlin has been staring at Cisco the whole afternoon until her outburst just now.

 

“I told you to get more sleep,” She insists.

 

“Kinda hard,” Cisco says. “When every time you close your eyes, you get burned to ash.”

 

Caitlin groans. “That is what I mean. The other Sleepers look just as bad as you. I don't know how long I can be okay with this.”

 

Hartley leans back in his chair, crossing his arms. “You haven't put in an official complaint yet.”

 

“Oh god, Hartley,” Caitlin throws up her hand. “We talk about this all the time.”

 

“But nothing official yet,” Hartley says. “It's one thing if you're concerned about Cisco as a friend but if you as head of the medical team have concerns it's something else.”

 

“How is - - Forget it, Hartley,” Caitlin says, closing her eyes for a second to think. “Okay, I officially state that I am seriously considering not clearing the test subjects for the next trial.”

 

“Can you elaborate on an explanation?” Hartley asks.

 

Caitlin stares at him in disbelieve for a second. “Well, they have violent nightmares every night for one. Look, physically everything is - - not fine but okay. But mentally-” She doesn't finish the sentence.

 

“I thought we've been over this?” Harry says. “You said you were pretty sure it isn't - - you know.” He shoots Caitlin a meaningful glance.

 

“What's going on?” Cisco asks. This might be the thing they're not telling him about.

 

“All I'm saying is that if they don't sleep better soon it might do bad damage,” Caitlin says pointedly. “Lasting damage.”

 

Hartley tenses visibly and then launches into another argument but Cisco cannot concentrate. His heart is beating heavy against his ribs and he gets lightheaded. Clutching the armrests of the chair he looks up to see Harry stand up. Everything around him falls away until there is just Harry in his vision, suddenly much closer.

 

“Cisco, listen to me,” Harry says. He looks serious, concerned even. “This cannot happen. You cannot let them stop the trials.”

 

Cisco frowns and tries to make sense of Harry's words. Why is this suddenly so important to him? Didn't he want to shut the trials down just a few weeks ago?

 

“Are you listening to me?” Harry asks, snapping his finger in front of Cisco face. “You have to go on. All five of you. But especially you. That is the only way this will end. If you stop the trials now you will be stuck. Just like us.”

 

“What- What are you talking about?” Cisco asks. His heart is beating faster and faster.

 

“You know what I'm talking about,” Harry says and smiles gently. “You know the way you have to go.”

 

“Who are you?” Cisco whispers. This can't be Harry.

 

“You know who I am,” Harry says. “We've spoken before. Maybe not with this face,” He motions to his face, “But you've known me your whole life, Cisco. I'm your friend. But I need your help. And you and the other Sleepers are the only ones who can help. And then it will all be over.”

 

“How,” Cisco asks weakly.

 

“Don't stop the trials. Follow the path. It's not long to go now. There are only three more stages. You will find what your team searches for at the end of the path. You will see, truly understand what it means to see. And then I will be gone and everything will be over. Everything will go back to normal. _You_ will be normal.” He adds like an afterthought, “And he will be able love you.”

 

Cisco closes his eyes and swallows. When he opens them again Caitlin and Hartley are still fighting. Harry is sitting between them and tries to get between there back and forth. They pay no attention to Cisco.

 

“Shut up,” Cisco says. And then louder, “Shut up!”

 

They all turn to look at him. He still feels breathless, his head is still spinning. “We need to go on,” He says. Looks at the wide-eyed Caitlin. “I'm sorry, Cait. But it's not much longer now. You have to trust me.”

 

“What happened?” Harry asks, sharp focus on Cisco. “Something happened, didn't it?”

 

Cisco uncurls his hands from the armrests. Lays them on the table. Feels the hard press of wood against his fingers. This is real, he tells himself. Hold on to this. “This will sound crazy,” He says carefully. “You are always asking me how I know where we need to go inside the dreams, right?”

 

“Yes,” Hartley says. “You said you have a gut feeling.”

 

“I think someone is telling me where to go,” Cisco says carefully. “Or something just taking the form of a person. I don't know. I think that is the person I was supposed to meet in my first dream. You remember that?”

 

“It's etched into my brain for always,” Hartley says, sarcasm weakened by his frown.

 

“You saw this person?” Harry asks and Cisco laughs. “What?”

 

“Yeah, I think they've talked to me twice,” He says. This is so absurd. But he feels he is on the right track here. “Look, it isn't important. All that matters is that we finish the trials. It's going to be three more stages and,” Here he looks pleadingly at Hartley, “I have a feeling our abilities will only evolve.”

 

The other threes exchange looks. Cisco knows he has to convince them somehow. “Please,” He says. “The nightmares will stop when it's over. I'm sure, Caitlin.” He is. He knows this the way he knows he can see the future in his dreams. “But if don't finish this properly, if we just give up now, the nightmares will never stop. We have to walk out of what we walked into.”

 

This should scare him. This should scare the shit out of him. But it doesn't. There is something awakening in him and he knows what he has to do.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's only seven more chapters to go if everything works out! so if you have questions besides the main 'wtf is going on' or subplots you'd like to know more about tell me and i'll see if i can work them in!


	27. Chapter 27

“I think there is someone we should talk to,” Caitlin says after her third margarita. She is not as bubbly happy as usual when drunk, but Harrison is glad because he does not think he could handle it right now. Even though they are trying to drink their troubles away, the situation still presses on his mind. Hartley has his head on the table and looks asleep. Harrison is sure Caitlin's idea is of the desperate kind.

 

When they walk into the store the next day he finds himself to be right once again. It did not even have a sign outside, just a dusty window, casting the shop in a dim light. The few burning candles do not help much to illuminate the room. It almost looks like the set of a film, it is so cliche. There is everything: the velvet clothes, the skulls and candles. Shelves full of crystals, glasses with dried herbs and over it all a smell of dust and age.

 

Hartley and Harrison are still gaping at their surroundings while Caitlin strides through the room to the counter. Behind it sits a man with close-cropped hair, his legs up on the counter as he flips through a magazine. He must have noticed them but he does not pay them any attention.

 

“Snart,” Caitlin says. “Where's your sister?”

 

“She's resting, Ms. Snow,” Snart says and finally looks up. His lips curl into a smirk. “Can I help you with anything?” His gaze flicks to the other two man and the intensity of it makes Harrison shiver. Snart looks completely harmless sitting behind the counter but something makes Harrison want to back away.

 

“Where's your little friend?” Snart adds.

 

“None of your business,” Caitlin says and she does not seem to be intimated by Snart at all. “Can you get Lisa?”

 

“I said she's resting,” Snart says. His voice stays the same sing-song but he takes his feet of the counter and sits up straight.

 

There is tension sizzling in the air and Harrison thinks that if he has to break up a fist fight between the thin medical doctor and that weirdo in a magic shop that will be the strangest event of his life. Luckily it does not come to that.

 

“Calm down, kids,” A voice drifts in the room. In a doorway behind the counter a woman appears. Harrison recognizes her as the woman who Cisco brought to the event a few weeks ago. She wears the same lazy smirk as her brother but not much else; just a thin robe flowing around her. “Leonard, why don't you go play outside,” She says and Snart gets up with a last glare at Caitlin.

 

“Caitlin, dear,” Lisa says when they are alone. She sits on the seat her brother had just vacated with a smile but Caitlin's frown just deepens. “Introduce me to your company.”

 

“Hartley Rathaway,” Hartley offers her a hand. “But we already met, didn't we. I have to ask, are those real human bones?”

 

Lisa takes his hand and winks at him. “Lisa Snart. Very legally procured by the way.” She turns to Harrison. “Well, I know who you are. Harrison Wells in my little business. I'm flattered.” She says it with a bashful smile but there is an underlying tone in her voice that makes Harrison just as nervous as her brother's cold stare. He still remembers Cisco kissing her too clearly and it makes his stomach twist and turn. He offers her a sharp nod as greeting.

 

“You know,” Lisa says and focuses back on Caitlin. “I knew that in your deepest hour of need you would come to me.”

 

“Don't be cute,” Caitlin snaps. “We are here to ask you about Cisco.”

 

“What about him?” Lisa asks innocently. She grabs a deck of cards from the counter and shuffles them.

 

“Did you ever notice something- weird? Did he behave strangely?” Caitlin asks.

 

Lisa drops all the pretense and rolls her eyes. “Why did you think we didn't work out? He's a sweet boy but if you're-,” She hesitates. “Sensible like me you can't fall asleep next to him. It's crazy.”

 

“You used to date?” Hartley asks, curiosity dripping from his voice. He looks around again, apparently viewing everything in a completely different light.

 

“Yeah, for a hot second,” Lisa says and smirks at Harrison. He should just get used to everyone around him knowing about Cisco's and his fucked up history.

 

He clears his throat and ask, “What are you talking about?”

 

Lisa considers him for a moment and Harrison has to remind himself that she cannot really read his mind. She finally gives in, still shuffling the cards from one hand to the other. “He is what we call two-souled. Don't take it too literal, it's a descriptor for people who have a lot more energies in and around them than most people. If you're perceptive to those energies it can be-,” There is that sly smile again. “Intoxicating. Or distracting. Matter of perspective, I guess.”

 

Suddenly there is the urge in Harrison to move forward, to speak, to say the ridiculous things he sometimes thinks. Lisa watches him, leaned back in the chair with hooded lids. “Sometimes,” Harrison says. “Sometimes it feels like it's not just him.” He clutches the edge of the counter because he is getting dizzy. It is probably just the smoldering incense filling the room with a heavy smoke.

 

“Oh, it's all him, darling,” Lisa says. She leans forward abruptly until she is right in Harrison's face, just the counter separating them. “Are you feeling a little restless lately?”

 

“It's just the stress-,” Harrison says through clenched teeth. The grin flashing over Lisa's face indicates something else. He registers Caitlin at his side, taking hold of his elbow.

 

“Choose one.” Lisa is sitting back on the chair, spreading the cards over the counter. Harrison feels stupid but he reaches for a card and turns it around.

 

“The lovers,” Hartley says as he leans over Caitlin's shoulder to catch a glimpse. “Isn't that a bit on the nose?”

 

Lisa just shrugs with that smirk of hers.

 

“Do you think she cursed me?” Harrison asks Hartley later.

 

He looks at him with raised eyebrows. “Do you think you maybe deserve it?”

 

Harrison is not sure what he should take away from that conversation with Lisa Snart. Caitlin still seems unsure, too, but Cisco talks her into letting the trials go on. Hartley is for it anyway, spurred by Cisco's rambling providence. Harrison doesn't even want to think about the implications of Cisco having nightmares again. Thinks about it anyway. Realizes somewhere through his haze of worry that he does not even worry half as much about the other Sleepers. He has to believe Cisco when he says that going through with the trials will stop the nightmares. After all they are capable of seeing the future, even Harrison is convinced by now. So they go on with the trials.

 

As if on cue the Sleeper get to the next stage. Harrison can see it before one of them says a word. They had pretty standard visions the last weeks and everything had settled into a calmer routine. But this morning they are all silent, alert. Harrison sits down with Hartley to interview Iris. She does not talk to them. Finally she steals Hartley's notepad and writes a name down.

 

“Can you look for her?” She asks.

 

The woman Iris has them looking for owns a small restaurant in downtown Central City. She is married, has two kids. A pretty ordinary life. Judging by her facebook page. Iris looks relived when they tell her that. But then her look turns worried again.

 

“We have to tell her - - we have to tell someone – the police.”

 

“Tell her what?” Harrison asks.

 

“She is going to get murdered,” Iris says.

 

The other Sleepers tell them names, too. Something bad is going to happen to all of them. Harrison has the knee-jerk reaction to not believe it. But he knows that logically the Sleepers are probably right. Alone that they all had the names of people living in Central City proofs a point. The point being that apparently their visions have a local focus.

 

It is still not as cut and dry as Harrison would have liked it.

 

“We can't go to the police with this,” Hartley says. “They're gonna think we're crazy.”

 

“We have proof that they dreamed the future before,” Caitlin argues. “The last time we knew something bad was going to happen we didn't say anything and thousands of people died.”

 

“You mean the natural disasters?” Hartley scoffs. “Just like then the only thing we have is an ongoing study with no validation from the science community. Even if _we_ know we are in the right, there is no reason to assume that a donut-munching police officer will not just laugh into our face.”

 

“What do you want to do?” Harrison asks. “Go to the people themselves? As if they would believe us. They much rather call the police on us.”

 

“Come on, Hartley,” Caitlin says. “We have to try at least. Or do you want to wake up tomorrow to the news that these people are dead?”

 

Of course Hartley does not want that. They call the police and they send over two detectives so they can look at some footage. Hartley is already screeching at the idea of having police look at his precious material and probably leaking it or whatever his paranoid fantasies are. But he keeps it at complaining out of earshot of the detectives. They are both still pretty young; one a blonde man with a smile that lights up his whole face and a firm handshake, who introduces himself as Detective Thawne. The woman, Detective Reynolds has intense eyes and wears her dark brown hair in a tight ponytail, staying behind Thawne with crossed arms.

 

Harrison catches Cisco and Iris in the corner of his eye having a whispered yelling match but he does not even want to know what that is about. Instead he guides the detectives into a room where they can look at footage of the Sleepers talking about things that have already happened. The natural disasters are their strongest point of course.

 

“The timestamps on those videos could be altered,” Detective Reynolds says. She does not seem convinced by them in any way. Looking almost offended that they bother her with this nonsense.

 

“You don't have to believe us,” Caitlin says. “God knows, I can't believe it half of the days. But please, just have an eye on those people. Warn them. Even if it is for nothing it doesn't hurt anyone. Take a leap of faith.”

 

“We have to talk to our captain about this,” Detective Thawne says. “I can't promise anything. We don't want to scare these people needlessly.”

 

He promises to get back to them when they have decided what to do about it. But Harrison does not believe they will hear anything from them again. Instead he sits down with Barry who looks shaken.

 

“It was like being both the victim and the guy who did it,” He tells Harrison. “At the same time. That was freaky. But more the victim, I guess. I know all these things about that person. Not just their name. It's super weird.”

 

“But nothing about the murderer?” Harrison asks.

 

“No. That would've been too easy, wouldn't it?” He laughs bitterly. Looks at Harrison. “You look like you want to say something.”

 

Harrison sighs. “Do you think it's a good idea to continue the trials? You just said it freaks you out.”

 

“Yeah, it does,” Barry says. “But I trust Cisco. When he says we have to go on, I guess we'll go on.”

 

“From where do you take that faith in him?” Harrison asks. “Not that I want to question it. It's just. You know him for a few months.”

 

Barry shrugs. “You don't know what it's like down there. I feel like if I don't trust Cisco and the group I'm going to loose my self completely. And I'm not going to be sad when the trials are over. But I also know that we have to finish it the right way.”

 

A few days later the police detectives return. They look pale and want to talk to the Sleepers.

 

“I have to say we were skeptic at first,” Detective Thawne says to all of them. “But we put a detail on the people you named anyway. Didn't hurt no one, like Dr. Snow said. All of those people were attacked. Because of you we could protect those innocent citizens and I want to thank you for that. You saved lives.”

 

“We need to know if you had anymore of those - - dreams,” Detective Reynolds interrupts her partner's speech.

 

Caitlin nudges Harrison in the side and smiles at him. He knows what she wants to tell him. It does feel good. To have helped. It is not something he strives to do usually. Of course he hopes that all the things he works on will help someone at the end of the day, and if it is just fellow scientists. But to help in such a tangible way, to be part of saving someone's life, however small, it is a nice feeling.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cisco and iris are screaming about how good looking the two detectives are. me too.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I don't believe this shit  
> I was doing fine without it  
> Now I can't walk alone”  
> Laura Marling – Walk Alone

Cisco feels like he is dreaming more than anything.

 

When he wakes up the dreams still cling to him. He walks through his day like a sleepwalker. He feels the edges of his mind pulling apart and spreading itself over his vision like a thin veil. He isn't sure anymore if what he sees is the reality or just his perception of it. He can't focus on anything as if he is dreaming. His minds drifts everywhere and doesn't linger on one place. This all comes with a certain numbness that is almost pleasant.

 

The Sleepers are all milling around in the staff room. They tend to do that more and more recently, something about the company of the other four is comforting, soothing. Not that it helps Cisco to stay in touch with his normal everyday life. He spends his days and nights mostly at the sleep lab now except for a few hours where he goes to his company or gets fresh clothes from his apartment. Hartley makes faces at him but doesn't say anything. Cisco could almost believe that he misses having him around at his house but that can't be it, right? They are still dreaming about violence and the CCPD is their biggest fan. Detective Thawne and Reynolds – it's Eddie and Cynthia by now - are regular visitors to get new names of people they need to look after. Cynthia still seems kind of creeped out by the whole thing and always halfheartedly complains that they are stealing their work. Eddie doesn't seem to mind it so much but Cisco suspects that's mostly because of Iris. And Iris doesn't mind either.

 

“Is he really the guy you dreamed about?” Linda asks.

 

“I'm sure,” Iris says. “He was there during the earthquake. This is so crazy. What do you think it means?”

 

“Isn't it obvious?” Cisco asks. The other four all look at him with wide eyes. “It's people we love. Or loved. Or are going to love.” He shoots Iris a meaningful look.

 

She snorts and shakes her head. “No way. You're saying I'm going to fall in love with him?”

 

“Okay,” Barry starts counting on his fingers. “I dreamed of Iris and Patty dreamed of her ex. Check.” Iris gives Barry a sad little smile but Barry goes on without acknowledging it. “Linda, you dreamed about - ? Linda?”

 

Cisco who sits next to Linda nudges her in the side. Her head snaps up. She looks like her thoughts had been drifting off. “What?” She asks.

 

“Who did you dream about in the second stage?” Barry asks again.

 

“Ehm,” She says. “I don't know. Some woman, I guess.” Cisco suppresses a chuckle.

 

“Alright. And Cisco you dreamed about - -” Barry looks at him and hesitates.

 

“Who do you think,” Cisco says and isn't even embarrassed about it. Not in front of them.

 

“I'd hazard a guess and say it's Harrison,” Patty says and grins at him.

 

“You don't have to look so smug about it,” Cisco says and flips his hair tie in her direction. “I'm aware I'm highly pathetic.”

 

Patty frowns and opens her mouth to answer but suddenly there is movement next to Cisco and Linda is gliding from her chair. She falls to the floor, shaking and twitching. Her eyes have turned white. Cisco kneels down at her side, unsure of what to do. He hears someone run to the door and yell for Caitlin. He can't turn his eyes away from Linda. It's her – but for the first time he understands what Harry meant when he said Cisco wasn't himself in those moments Cisco can't remember. It's Linda, her slim figure and brown hair, her hands that have slapped Cisco over the back of his head way too many times. But beneath that familiarity there is something else. Something strange. And it's a strangeness he knows. It's the feeling he has had his whole life when it was like he was looking in from the outside. Like he couldn't quite connect with the people around him. Like there was a glass wall between him and them.

 

Then Caitlin pushes him to the side so she can have better access to Linda. They stabilize her, get her into a bed in the med bay. Caitlin doesn't know what caused it, there seems to be nothing wrong with Linda. Caitlin looks extremely unhappy and Cisco knows the only reason she is still on board is because she trusts him.

 

Cisco stays with Linda. Patty is there, too. She sits in a chair next to Linda's bed and clutches her head in her hands. Cisco thinks he should say something to her but doesn't know what. He studies the way her shoulders slump from where he is leaning against the wall.

 

When Linda finally wakes up again, looking disoriented and confused, Patty surges forward and wraps her in her arms. Cisco has to smile despite the fact that they don't know what is happening. It's good that they don't have to shoulder this on their own. It's good that they have each other.

 

“How did I get here?” Linda asks when Patty lets go of her.

 

“What's the last thing you remember?” Cisco asks.

 

“I went to bed. At home. Thursday. It was Thursday.” Linda says. Her voice is just slightly shaking.

 

“It's Friday,” Patty says and takes her hand. “You've been here the whole day. Talking to us. You don't remember any of that?”

 

Linda shrugs helplessly. “Did I miss anything important?” She tries very hard to sound cheerful.

 

Patty looks at her for a moment then says, “Barry spilled coffee all over him. That was pretty funny.”

 

“Damn,” Linda says. “I'd love to have seen that.”

 

* * *

 

Just as they get used to having the two detectives around they get to the next stage.

 

They are in an icy desert. Cisco can feel the other four nearby but he doesn't see them through the falling snow. The wind whips cold around him, creeping through every crack in his clothes. He wraps his arms around himself to keep warm. He is really not dressed for this weather.

 

He walks forward because what else is there to do. The ground is covered in snow but very slippery. Cisco kneels down and wipes the first layer of snow away. He is on ice. It's thick, it doesn't crack under his weight. Cisco wipes away more snow when he notices something. It looks like a body is buried in the ice. When he wipes away the snow from where the head is Cisco startles. He knows this person that is deep frozen under his feet. Even though his face is blue from the cold Cisco still recognizes him: Hartley.

 

He has his eyes closed and with the neutral impression on his face he looks more peaceful than Cisco has ever seen him alive. Cisco feels something tugging on his mind. He places his hands on the ice over Hartley and then he is plunging forward into the dark. He doesn't feel his body anymore. Then there are images filling the void. Noises. Smells. Cisco lets himself get dragged into the stream.

 

_Walking through a city holding someone's hand. A lake in the late summer light. Exhaustion; the dark around the desk lamp, papers overflowing. The sleepless high, time disappearing in between the cracks. The bone deep low, closed doors and goodbyes. Drudging through the snow. The feeling of an expensive dress shirt against skin. Sighs, and smiles and headaches. The moon watching overhead. Making up the words. Books stacked all around like a fort. The burn and the scratch and everything the body can endure. Slow circles around the inevitable. Glasses for a child. An afternoon of spoiled chances. A morning of surprised revelations. Fingers around a wrist. Rapid pulse. The thrill of the hunt. A map; torn up. Cold stares on bus rides. The slow reveal; a heaving. Bread on the shore of France. Rain at home. Losing of directions. A trip to the heart. One kiss under the Niagara Falls. Water on the face. One kiss lost in time and memory. Observation. Hands that hold. Living out of spite is too goddamn exhausting. The streets too crowded some days. Poems hidden under palms. Bad decisions and good ones, too. Freedom like a drumming in the ears. A frantic movement forward. Shards of glass. The prick of a needle. The edge of a knife. Blankets on cold nights. Hunger. A weight pressing down. A song in the dead of night._

 

Cisco is back on the ice. What did he just see? It was so much. The impression that lasts is a flare of hazy warm colors. He gets up from his knees. The cold a sharp slap in contrast to the warm summer nights he had just felt. He walks further. From time to time he sees figures moving in the distance but he can only guess that they are his friends; the heavy snow fall still clouding his view. After a while he clears some of the snow away with his foot. Another face looks up at him. He gets down on his knees to see Caitlin's lips frozen blue, her eye lashes frosted over. This time he chooses to tumble down into the dark.

 

_A catalog of faces. Flipping through the pages. Father. Gone. Mother. Not gone but not there either. Siblings. Never existed. Friends. Laura from first grade. A rose bush. Sharon from middle school. Starry nights. Maddie from high school. Loud music. Cisco from work. Rain outside. Yelena from across the street. Steaming coffees. Lovers. Marc. David. Maddie. Luke. David. John. Paul. Ronnie. Ronnie. Ronnie. Ronnie. Enemies. Acquaintances. Strangers. Images merging with the faces. Transforming. Flowers growing out of them. Music drifting out of their mouths. Water spilling out of their ears. Turning translucent. Changing colors. Still flipping through the pages. Faces turning into other faces. One leading to another. Branching out into an intricate net._

 

There is ice under Cisco again. He walks again. The next time he kneels on the ground to wipe the snow away he knows who he is going to find. He hesitates before he puts his hand on the ice over Harry's face.

 

_A life – shards of blue. Discontent. Scraped knees. You could run before you could even talk. Always too loud anyway. Your mother said you never stopped screaming. You threw in the window pane just to see if you could. Even between your friends you're the odd one out. You dare them to jump from bridges. Afterward you are all soaked through and shivering. Too unoriginal to be truly outstanding. If your parents are embarrassed they don't show it. You hide the cigarettes and count the packs you smoke. On the streets at night. Still too loud. It's your brain that won't quiet down. So you scream along. He'll grow out of it, they say. You're not sure if you ever did. When the hangovers get boring you look for another distraction. First there is music. Then math. It is the first time someone is actually impressed with you. You learn. You adapt to this new world. You like the way they look at you with respect when you solve their equations. You like that it excuses your behavior. Then there is her. She is the first one who can keep up. The first one who even wants to keep up with you. You are not dressing in torn jeans anymore but you still smash window panes from time to time to see if you still can. But you also learn to create. That is her gift to you. She shows you what it means to make something out of nothing. A home. A daughter. A legacy. And then she leaves and you are not sure if you ever repaid her for all the kindness. It won't let you sleep at night. You forget the world for a while. Later you will create again. You will love again. You will hurt again. He looks at you and does not even know what you would do for- -_

 

With all his strength Cisco pulls himself back again. There is ice under his hands and something in him is torn open. A wound that never really healed. He bows down and presses his lips against the ice. It burns cold. No one can see it anyway. The snow is still falling heavily.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know why this took me so long.  
> thinking about how hartley, caitlin and harry are different in their headspace was interesting. bc in canon all three have this cool science personality (with varying degrees of crazy i guess). hartley is probably the kind of guy who can't remember shit. ask him what he had for lunch yesterday? who knows. he definitely doesn't. and i really admire that cait is able to open herself to new people all the time even though most of the time they eventually die. and harry the degenerate teen is a headcanon no one can take away from me. he probably was in a punk band.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “We're not made for this  
> Fighting love  
> Our eyes stuck looking at  
> Our eyes are making out  
> We're too close to be out of touch”  
> Lucy Rose – Our Eyes

Something goes wrong. It should have been a normal night, the latest patch of vision maybe not particularly enjoyable but relatively harmless. But now the Sleepers are all shaking and twisting in the pods. Caitlin and her nurses are flying through the room trying to stabilize them while Harrison and Hartley watch from the sidelines. When Harrison looks to Hartley he sees his uneasy feeling reflected on Hartley's face.

 

Then there is a loud crash and Linda is shoving away Caitlin and thrashes around. The other four are sleepwalking as well it looks like. It takes them a while to calm them down but they still won't wake up; gliding in and out of seizures. They get them settled into beds in the med bay.

 

The seizures do stop and the Sleepers drift into lighter sleep. Hartley is drumming his fingers on the table in Harrison's office where they have been banned to by Caitlin.

 

“This is too high pressure for me,” Hartley groans and drops his head on the table. “I became a scientist for a reason. It's not supposed to be so high-stakes.”

 

Harrison watches him from where he leans against the window sill. Worry is eating him alive, too, but he is a bit better at hiding it than Hartley. “Well, if you'd have followed standard research protocols this wouldn't have happened.” It's not an accusation. Harrison knew that this was a - - let's say unorthodox research study from the beginning but he decided to help Hartley anyway. If you stick to the rules you'll never discover something new or even great. So they both have to deal with the consequences now. If only they were the only ones who have to shoulder the weight of their decisions.

 

When Caitlin informs them that the Sleepers have woken up they pick Iris to talk to because she is the nice one, the understanding one. It is hard to look at her like this, restrained on a bed, her hair sticking to her sweaty forehead. She is sitting up, leaning against the headboard but her chin is resting on her chest and she does not betray the slightest interest in them. They have made a plan outside, how to act, what to say but now that they are in the room it is all wiped from Harrison's mind. Caitlin keeps a careful distant to Iris, not that Iris could move even if she wanted to. Harrison starts because someone has to.

 

“Can you hear me, Iris?”

 

Iris does not raise her head but her lips curl into a smile. It is not a smile he is used to see on Iris.

 

“Harry,” She drawls.

 

It feels like a bucket of cold water dumped over Harrison's head. It feels like something spiky trying to climb out of him.

 

“Well, what have we here,” Iris says. “Oh, this is interesting.” She raises her head and looks at him. “They don't know, do they? They don't know what really happened? They think you are the great, great Dr. Wells. But _I_ know. Should I tell them?”

 

“What are you talking about,” Harrison chokes out.

 

“You let her die. You saved yourself and let her die.” Iris voice is getting louder and louder. “She is dead because of you. It's your fault!”

 

“How do you-,” Harrison staggers back, he needs to hold on to something but there is nothing, and there is a tightness in his chest. “I never told him.”

 

“But you don't have to tell him.” Iris says and laughs shrill. “ _I_ know everything. _I_ know you.”

 

Harrison does not feel his body anymore. He realizes he is moving backward, stumbling, but he can only hear the blood rushing in his ears and over that Iris' voice.

 

“Leave us alone,” Iris screams. “Let me go! Let me go!”

 

She keeps on screaming and strains against her bonds, throwing her head around wildly.

 

* * *

 

They put them under again and when it is over Caitlin finds Harrison upstairs in his office. He has his head leaned against the glass of the window and he stares outside. He recognizes Caitlin by the way her heels click over the floor and the length of her steps, forming her own rhythm that he has come to know over the last few months. She doesn't say anything for a moment, just hovers in the door.

 

“He's awake,” She says finally. “They're back to normal but-”

 

Harrison turns around because something in her voice is off. The concern is not so weird but there is another tone to it, a distance that hadn't been there before. She looks like she wants to ask him about what Iris had said earlier but she doesn't.

 

“He broke his arm when he tried to get out of the restraints,” She says. Her hand curls around the handle of the door. “I don't know if he even realized it while it happened.”

 

Harrison wants to go over to her, wants to comfort her. But she doesn't look like she wants him to. She straightens up and walks out of his office with one last nod. After a moment Harrison follows her down into the sleep lab.

 

Cisco sits on a bed in a separated section of the med bay. He has his left arm in a cast and looks down on it in wonder. Harrison doesn't know how he knows it is just Cisco, he simply does. Cisco looks tired even though he just woke up, still in his loose sleep clothes and hair up in a bun. Harrison sits down on the edge of the bed.

 

“Hi,” Cisco says and he probably does not even know what just happened with him. But his mouth only tugs up in a sad little smile and it makes him look twenty-two again. Harrison does not know anymore why he ever pushed him away.

 

Cisco is soft and warm in his arms. He hugs Harrison back, the cast hard on his back, and Harrison breathes in deeply, the feeling of falling into a deep and dark abyss finally disappearing. He knows he is shaking.

 

“Are you okay?” Cisco asks, his breath against Harrison's neck.

 

Harrison chokes out a laugh. “That's my line.”

 

Cisco laughs, too, and tightens his arms around Harrison.

 

* * *

 

They look at the video footage. Harrison still has one arm curled around Cisco's shoulders, protective, possessive. He is not sure if he can let go again. Cisco does not object.

 

They are in the room with Caitlin who shoots them glances every two seconds. Harrison looks anywhere but at the recording of Cisco, mouthing along to every word Iris had said to his face. He is glad that he did not hear those words from Cisco. He would not have recovered. Cisco just frowns at the screens and looks up at Harrison from time to time. When it is over Cisco does not bother to tell them what he thinks about it.

 

“You should stay under surveillance for at least a week,” Caitlin says to Cisco.

 

Harrison knows how much Cisco hates to stay in the med bay overnight so he says, “Is it okay if he comes to my place? I'll keep an eye on him.”

 

Caitlin looks skeptical but in the end she agrees. “If he wants to.”

 

Cisco nods and leans closer to Harrison.

 

They drive in silence. Cisco leans against the window and looks outside. The sun is dipping lower on the horizon, the air that streams through the cracked windows is warm. Harrison drives the car out of downtown Central City, up into the wooded hillside. Traffic slowly dwindles around them until they are the only car on the road, tall trees touching the sky around them. Then the house appears. Harrison fell in love with the house in that moment, the first time he drove up to it. He still remembers the way Cisco had inhaled sharply, trying to suppress his reaction, the first time they came here together.

 

The house is modern but not in the cold, brutalist way. It is a lot of glass held together by a wooden frame. The windows reflect the trees around it, making it almost disappear between them, hidden in the forest for a careless glance. Harrison had bought it after Tess' death, needing a new start, seeking isolation from the roar of the city.

 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Cisco asks inside. He moves through the space as if he was never gone. The complete back wall of the house in one big window, giving the view over a tiny valley that Cisco once rained over sitting in an armchair that he had pushed to the window and swinging a curled up newspaper like a scepter.

 

“I have a feeling you already know what happened.”

 

Cisco sinks down on the couch, cradling his cast in his lap like a child. The sun is setting on the other side of the valley, letting the room light up in orange colors. “I want to hear it in your words,” Cisco says.

 

Harrison sits down next to him. He never talked about this. He wanted to take this to his grave.

 

“We were late for a meeting. Tess was just always inexplicably late. Even if I reminded her on time-

 

that they had somewhere to go Tess always managed to not be ready when it was time to go. He did not even know how she did it. It was not as if she spend a disproportionate amount of time in the bathroom, in contrary she was a master of taking five-minutes-showers because she was always running late. Time seemed to just run through her fingers like sand and she never found a way to keep some of it in her palms. If Harrison had not loved her as much as he did he would have went crazy. So he only went a little crazy. When they had fights, not that there were many, they were mostly about Tess being late.

 

So they were late again, Harrison had an headache and was clutching the wheel harder than was necessary. They did not talk. It was dark outside and raining. He was going over the speed limit because they were late because of Tess. This meeting was important. He should have relaxed, they were going to be late anyway, but this meeting was important. He doesn't even remember anymore what the meeting was about.

 

They were driving down a slope, in an unpopulated area, and suddenly the headlights had caught something on the street.

 

Later they told him that it probably was a deer or some other animal. He had barely scratched it, yanking the wheel to the side, the car swerving, coming off the road. Crashing against a tree. He does not know how much time passed-

 

-until I came around again. It was so fucking dark. My phone was broken so I got out to search for help. When I left she was still breathing. When I came back-”

 

His breath catches in his throat. He has been staring at the floor for the whole time. He throws a quick look over to Cisco who has not moved an inch.

 

“It took forever until I found someone who could call an ambulance. When they arrived they hardly would let me show them the way to the car. They said I shouldn't even be able to walk. I don't know how I did it. I just knew we had to get to her. To save her. But-”

 

He takes a deep breath, raising his hands to cover his face. He is hunched over on his knees and he wants to curl up further in himself. It never stopped hurting like that day.

 

“She was dead when we got there,” He whispers. “Maybe, if I had stayed, given first aid, I don't know, anything. If I hadn't just run off to save myself.”

 

Cisco pulls Harrison to him until his head is in Cisco's lap. Harrison is crying now, sobs shaking his body. Cisco holds him, pressing silent kisses to his head. It never stopped hurting like that first day.

 

The sun has left them in twilight in the meantime. When Harrison can breath again, he turns his head to look up at Cisco. He looks gray and distant in the rest of the light. “I couldn't even be a father, not after that. I sent Jesse away to a boarding school when she needed me the most. I am- - I'm-”

 

“You're human,” Cisco says quietly, cupping his cheek to stroke his thumb over his cheekbone. Harrison turns into the warmth even though he does not think he deserves it.

 

A while later, the room is almost pitch black dark now, and they still have not moved Cisco says somewhere close to Harrison's face, “I'm so glad you are here. I couldn't do this without you.”

 

Harrison searches for Cisco's face with his hands and pulls him down to kiss him. One of Cisco's hands slips into his hair, his other arm lies heavy over his chest. Cisco's lips are warm and his mouth is hot and wet. He thinks he could forget everything when Cisco moans quietly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg i can't believe we made it to this point!!!  
> harry's house is a mix between her house in arrival and the cullen's house from the twilight movie (bc you can say what you want about twilight but that house is dope as shit).


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “There's an attic where children are playing  
> Where I've got to lie down with you soon  
> In a dream of Hungarian lanterns  
> In the mist of some sweet afternoon  
> And I'll see what you've chained to your sorrow  
> All your sheep and your lilies of snow “  
> Leonard Cohen – Take This Waltz

Cisco wakes up naked in Harrison Wells' bed to the smell of fresh coffee. He smiles into the pillow, feeling comfortable for the first time in a while. He stretches and turns, peeking out into the morning. He hears movement and turns enough to see Harry lean against the door frame. He has his arms crossed and smiles quietly.

 

“I just came up with the first line for my autobiography,” Cisco says, voice still creaky from sleep.

 

“And what's that?” Harry asks, failing at suppressing his growing smile.

 

“I woke up naked in Harrison Wells' bed to the smell of fresh coffee.”

 

Harry raises his eyebrows. “If you do that I'll sue you for slander.”

 

“Well, shit,” Cisco says and drops his face back into the pillow. “Seems like I need to take some photos and mail them to a judge preemptively,” He mumbles. Harry laughs and the sound makes Cisco's chest ache a little.

 

He must have drifted off again because he gets waken up by Harry running a hand over his back. Cisco hums content until Harry starts lightly pinching him and he has to turn around to slap his hand away. Harry is sitting at the edge of the bed and on the nightstand sits a tray full of breakfast.

 

“No, you didn't,” Cisco says, completely awake all of a sudden. He surveys the assortment. There are fruits and toast and coffee of course. He pops a grape into his mouth.

 

“Yes, I did,” Harry says, sounding all too pleased with himself. “I feel like I need to make up for being kind of an asshole.”

 

Cisco has a cup of coffee in his hands, blowing on it to cool it down, and looks at Harry over the rim of the cup. “Yeah, I feel we're kinda even on that front by now. I do appreciate the breakfast though.”

 

Harry nods but doesn't say anything. Just looks at Cisco.

 

Cisco sets his cup back down on the nightstand. He leans over to kiss Harry, brings up the hand that isn't in a cask to cup his stupid handsome face. Harry moves over him and pushes him back down on the bed. Cisco pulls away the blanket between them but Harry's clothes are still very regrettably separating them.

 

“What happened to just friends?” Cisco breathes against Harry's mouth.

 

Harry presses another kiss on Cisco's lips before he answers. “I don't care anymore if this is - - lasting or not. I'll take anything you're willing to give me.”

 

Cisco wraps his arms around Harry's neck and drags him into another kiss. This will last, he wants to say. But he doesn't. Instead he says, “I have a whole lot to give.”

 

Harry sits up and looks at Cisco. His face has gone soft, eyes crinkling, as he tugs his shirt over his head. Cisco's heart skips a beat when he thinks about his latest vision and the depths of Harry's feelings for him he had felt there. He lets his eyes wander over Harry's body and thinks about the first time Harry had pressed him onto this bed. He had been incredibly careful about it. Cisco had been secretly very thankful about that. Afterward Harry had run his hand over Cisco's skin and murmured, Beautiful. Cisco had answered, I bet you say that to all of your students after you fuck them. Harry had looked at him amused and said, I don't get involved with students. Usually. Cisco had rolled his eyes while his heart had been beating fast in his chest.

 

“How do you want it?” Harry whispers against his temple.

 

“Slow,” Cisco says. Like our first time. This feels like another first. Like a different first. Harry smiles as he parts Cisco legs and god, Cisco still wants him so fucking much. Needs him. His touch. His smell. His voice. It feels like it has been years since that hotel room but it can only be a few months. Cisco hasn't been with anyone else since then. Harry looks just as breathless as Cisco feels.

 

They take their time. The sun shines on them comfortably warm and Cisco feels like he is melting. There is no urgency in their movements. They have all the time in the world. They have this moment. For the first time it doesn't feel like ghosts are haunting them. It's just the here and now. Two bodies. Two heartbeats.

 

When they're finished the coffee is cold but Cisco doesn't mind. Sprawls over the bed and eats his way through the breakfast. Harry is lying on his back next to him, squinting into the sunlight and playing with Cisco's hair.

 

“What did you dream?” Harry asks. “Yesterday.”

 

Cisco thinks about how to talk about it. “I saw you,” He settles on saying. “That awful haircut you had with sixteen.” Harry chuckles. “And I saw Tess. She seemed amazing.” The smile disappears form Harry's face and he nods. “I saw others, too. Hartley. Caitlin. I think one of the interns. It wasn't always so easy to place whose memories it were. And whose future.”

 

“Did you see my future?” Harry asks. If he is upset about Cisco's intrusion he doesn't show it.

 

“No,” Cisco says. “It was - - a bit too much. Anyway I didn't want to ruin the surprise for me . I plan on experiencing your future first hand.”

 

Harry looks at him, speechless for a moment, then he pulls him down into a kiss. “I like that plan,” He says against Cisco's lips.

 

“I bet you do,” Cisco says grinning. He presses their lips together again and it feels so natural, so easy as if they never stopped doing this. As if there isn't a ten year rift between them playing at domestic life and now.

 

“I don't know why I ever left,” Cisco whispers, and he truly doesn't. He knows he had his reasons but he can't remember them and this here feels so right, so good.

 

Harry runs a hand through Cisco's hair and settles it on his cheek, his thumb tracing his lower lip. “You were young,” He says. “You needed to see the world. Live your life. I understand.”

 

Cisco isn't sure if he can take the forgiveness that is offered in those words, not yet at least. “This is not an excuse, but I honestly thought it wouldn't - - bother you so much when I left.” Cisco admits.

 

Harry smiles sadly. “Well, I didn't make my feelings very clear. And you were always kind of oblivious. Especially about what you mean to other people.”

 

“Um.” Cisco doesn't know if he should be offended or flattered. Harry snorts at the sight of his confused face. Cisco feels heat creep up his neck and he adds harshly, “So, were you at least properly heartbroken. Did you pick up any bad habits?”

 

“I drank myself to sleep every night,” Harry deadpans and rolls his eyes. “You can be happy it didn't kill me.”

 

“Come on,” Cisco says and slaps him lightly on the shoulder. “You're going to outlive all of us just out of spite.”

 

Harry looks like he wants to say something but it gets caught in his throat, his expression suddenly solemn. Cisco has to swallow hard, too. Their age difference never bothered Cisco, especially not now that they're not in completely different stages of life anymore. But Harry is still almost twenty years older than him. And that means he is probably going to die much sooner than Cisco. He is going to leave Cisco behind in the end and they both know it. It doesn't even strike Cisco as weird that he is already thinking in categories of until death do us part. Maybe it's his intuition telling him something about his future. Or maybe he is simply in love.

 

“I'll give my best,” Harry says finally. Cisco kisses him again, a silent thank you.

 

They spend the rest of the day doing nothing much. They revive the old tradition of Harry cooking while Cisco gives him orders which goes as bad as everyone involved remembers. Cisco bans Harry from the stove and lets him cut vegetables while he tries his best to keep everything under control with one arm. There is a lightness in Cisco he hasn't experienced in a while, laughter coming easy and free. Even Harry looks more amused than usual when Cisco tried to school him in cooking. Cisco watches him out of the corner of his eye, still looking for changes that he hasn't noticed yet. Harry seems more at ease, more at peace with the world, even or maybe especially after yesterdays confession. Knowing that that had hung over Harry the whole time when they first met explains a lot about his high-strung, closed-off nature. Cisco isn't the only one who had grown over the ten years. Maybe they had really needed this break. Maybe they both weren't ready yet.

 

In the evening Cisco almost falls asleep on top of Harry on the couch watching TV. Harry half carries him into bed where Cisco is almost instantly completely awake again. Harry has one cheek resting on the pillow, face turned to Cisco, that weird belly sleeper, and is already dozing off. Cisco rolls over and flicks his finger against Harry's nose which earns him a low grumble but no further reaction. So he bites his shoulder.

 

“Go to sleep, Cisco,” Harry says without opening his eyes.

 

“I don't want to,” Cisco admits and something in the tone of his voice must have alarmed Harry because he does open his eyes now.

 

“Nightmares?” He asks.

 

Cisco nods. These days he can sense them coming like a migraine. Harry pulls him closer and kisses his shoulder. “Tell me something,” He whispers as he settles in next to Cisco, one arm draped around his waist.

 

“Like what?” Cisco asks.

 

“I don't know,” Harry says. “What did you do in the time I haven't seen you?”

 

“I spent about two years in Beijing,” Cisco says.

 

“Can you at least speak Mandarin now?” Harry mumbles. He looks like he is going to fall asleep any second.

 

“Not really,” Cisco says. “I could get along, you know. Buy food from street vendors. Stuff like that. But I don't remember shit. Oh, and I can talk dirty in Mandarin.”

 

Harry raises one eyebrow.

 

“Perks of having a Chinese girlfriend.”

 

“Really.” Harry says like he thinks Cisco is bullshitting him.

 

“Yeah, really.”

 

“Did you never go back? To visit?” Harry asks.

 

Cisco hesitates. “No - - I don't really have that many fond memories of the time. I did some things I'm not so proud of.” Harry doesn't say anything and after Cisco has made sure that he is listening and not sleeping he continues. “You think what we are doing here is questionable procedure? I have seen so much worse. I worked for this guy there. Not at first. But I got fired from my first job because I was - - a bit rowdy, I guess. And there I was. Alone in a strange country. Didn't speak the language. I just got together with my girlfriend so I wanted to stay and see if I could make it work. That's when Thawne came along. I don't know if you heard of him? He's a medical doctor but he got barred from practicing in the United States because of malpractice. So he went to China to do his research.”

 

“I've heard of him,” Harry says.

 

“Yeah, I hadn't. The money was alright so I took his offer. Oh boy, that was the worst decision of my life. At first it looked all up to par but with time he showed me more and more of his research. And it was fucked up. Really fucked up. They were testing some crazy medicine on people. I never noticed someone dying but I can imagine that it did happen and Thawne covered it up.”

 

Cisco stops. Harry had tightened his arm around him while he was talking but didn't say anything.

 

“My biggest regret,” Cisco continues, “Is that I didn't leave instantly. I should have informed the police or someone but I was so scared of Thawne. He once threatened to use me as a test subject if I told anyone. So I just ran one day. Didn't tell anyone. Got on a plane and never looked back.”

 

Harry mumbles something under his breath and frowns. Cisco doesn't know if he is trying to express sympathy for Cisco or rage at Thawne but he's failing spectacularly because of sleepiness and it might be the cutest thing Cisco has ever seen.

 

They talk more, well, Cisco does most of the talking and poking Harry to make him stay awake but finally Cisco falls asleep without realizing it. He wakes up a few hours later, covered in sweat and his heart racing. He lays motionless in the dark until he calms down a bit. Then he looks to the side where he can make out Harry's sleeping form in the first rays of morning light. At least he didn't wake him. Harry is lying with his back to him and Cisco snuggles up to him, throwing one arm around him and breathing in his familiar scent.

 

They spend the next days orbiting around each other, getting to know each other again, relearning their habits and moods. Caitlin sends Cisco an increasing amount of worried texts until he calls her and tells her that he is fine. More than fine actually. After a few days he calls Hartley, too, because he can't stop thinking about him sitting in his empty house and going crazy. They have put an indefinite pause on the trials and Hartley in his over-dramatic mindset is probably already seeing his life's work crumble before his eyes. Hartley sounds distant and on edge over the phone just like Cisco expected but he can talk him down a bit.

 

“Hartley is weird,” Cisco says while Harry and he are hiking through the forest behind the house. Harry got his hands deep in his pockets and throws Cisco a funny look.

 

“Tell me something new,” Harry says.

 

“Ha ha,” Cisco says and kicks against a tree. “He's more weird than usual. I feel like he is behaving weird especially towards me. I thought we actually became friends this time around but maybe there is still some resentment from back in the days. Maybe I did something that upset him.”

 

Harry stops abruptly so Cisco has to turn around to look at him. “You are aware that Hartley had the biggest crush on you, right?”

 

Cisco can feel his jaw literally drop. “Shut up,” He says.

 

Harry grins and shakes his head. “You are so fucking oblivious to what is going on around you, Cisco.”

 

“I'm not - - Are you sure?” Cisco asks, his mind racing going through memories, looking for proof.

 

“Yeah,” Harry says and starts walking again. “It was pretty obvious to everyone around you. He was always running after you.”

 

“Because he wanted to plagiarize me,” Cisco shrieks.

 

“Whatever you say,” Harry says, obviously enjoying this way too much. “I mean, he was in my classes before and after you came and never even looked at anyone else. But you - -”

 

“He was always so mean to me,” Cisco says, trying to wrap his head around this.

 

“Well, yeah, he did act like a 12 year old with a crush,” Harry says.

 

In Cisco's mind the pieces are slowly coming together. And to tell the truth it does make an awful lot of sense.

 

“At least I didn't - - Oh no.” Now it's Cisco's turn to stop dead in his tracks. “Oh god.” He is remembering. He knew he had forgotten something important.

 

* * *

 

“Kiss me, Hartley.”

 

They're at a party in someone's apartment, not sure who the host is, just ended up there how you always end up at bad parties: you know someone who knows someone who knows someone. Bring your friends! And bam, Cisco and Hartley find themselves in a crowded room with what looks like humanitarian freshmen which is- alright. There's always weed at least.

 

And then the a guy walks in that Cisco is trying – very unsuccessfully – to get on with. Cisco is a little tipsy, maybe not just a little, and the only thing his brain spews out is: make him jealous. Classic Cisco Ramon. He thinks it's a good tactic.

 

So he turns to the only person he can think of right now who is a good fit for the job: Hartley Rathaway. He's pretty, he's in an arm's reach and he is voluntarily hanging out with Cisco so this should work.

 

He crowds in Hartley's personal space and repeats his words. “Kiss me.”

 

Hartley looks like he froze on the spot than he looks over Cisco's back and seems to understand what this is about.

 

“You think that's gonna work?” He asks with a smile tugging at his lips.

 

Cisco shushes him and pulls Hartley closer by the waist. They gotta be fast while the guy is still around. But he won't kiss Hartley without any indication that he is willing. Cisco is a lot of things but not a dick.

 

Hartley rolls his eyes and Cisco swears there is a blush creeping over his cheeks but it's too dark in the room to really see and then Hartley is kissing him anyway. It's just a simple press of lips at first but if this is supposed to work it has to look good. Cisco puts one hand on Hartley's neck to direct him and then Hartley opens his mouth and kisses him for real. He tastes like the cheap liquor they've been drinking the whole night and like the cigarettes he swears he doesn't smoke.

 

The other guy is forgotten for this night.

 

* * *

 

“Oh no,” Cisco says again, crouching on the ground and hiding his hands in his face.

 

“Cisco?” Harry's voice comes from over him.

 

“I've been a really great ass. Just a fucking idiot. A super dumb person.” He wants to sink into the ground.

 

“Do you want to tell me what this is about?” Harry asks.

 

Cisco peeks through his fingers up at Harry who leans over him, looking somewhere between amused and concerned. “There might have been a thing once,” Cisco starts. “Like between Hartley and me. And I totally thought it was one of those in-the-moment things. And never bothered to check in how Hartley felt about it.”

 

Harry's face is doing a funny thing where he looks very concerned but also like he is going to laugh.

 

“This was before anything between us happened,” Cisco adds quickly.

 

“Wow,” Harry says finally. “You were quite the heartbreaker in your younger years.”

 

Cisco groans and turns his face back into his hands.

 


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I count no one, hold nobody's ear  
> I sold you my hand once and you hit me in fear  
> I don't stand for the devil  
> I don't whisper in ears  
> I stand on the mountains and call people to hear
> 
> It's a sudden burst of light  
> It's a fate foretold  
> It is knowing, it is knowing “  
> Laura Marling – Night after Night

Harrison blinks awake. The sun is already standing high in the sky. He has to smile. Feels the weight of Cisco in his arms. It has been a while since Harrison had slept this deep and undisturbed. He looks down at Cisco who is still sleeping, long dark lashes resting on his cheeks and hair a mess from last night. But Harrison's movements must be waking him up because he starts to shift and sigh. He opens his eyes slowly, frowning against the light.

 

Harrison freezes. Every bit of warmth he has felt rushes out of him. He is not holding Cisco anymore.

 

He does not even know how he can tell. It is just - - not him. Harrison loosens his hold, backs away slowly. Cisco frowns more until he seems to realize what is going on. Then he sighs and rolls away from Harrison who scoots back a few feet for good measure. He watches as Cisco puts his arms under his head and stretches out comfortably.

 

“Let's drop the charade, shall we,” He says. “I'm not going to pretend to be him.”

 

A chill runs down Harrison's spine. “What - - is going on?” He asks.

 

“Let's make a deal,” Cisco says. “You make some coffee and I'll tell you everything you want to know.”

 

Harrison agrees through the daze that he is dropping into. Is this really happening? He had almost convinced himself he had been hallucinating the last times this has happened, when Cisco had seemed so completely other. But now Cisco is even telling him he is not Cisco? Who is this - - person in his house, in his bed, in his arms. He grabs some clothes and goes to the kitchen. Something is keeping him from outright panicking but he does not know what. Panic would seem appropriate. Just yesterday everything had been so perfect.

 

Harrison hears him move while he makes coffee. He thinks about calling Caitlin or Hartley. But Cisco had promised to answer his question. And maybe he should use this chance.

 

“You don't have to look so spooked,” Cisco says behind him.

 

Harrison startles and almost drops the mugs he just got from the shelf. He takes a deep breath and turns around. Cisco is standing in front of him, dressed in sweatpants and a sweater, looking a bit sorry. Harrison pushes past the uncomfortable feeling in his stomach and sets the mugs down at the kitchen table. He motions for Cisco to sit. It Is weird; he knows Cisco so intimately but right now it is like interacting with a stranger.

 

Cisco sits down and looks pleased as Harrison pours him coffee. “I know this is weird,” He says, “But there is really no reason for you to be scared.”

 

“I'm not scared,” Harrison lies.

 

Cisco studies his face for a moment before he shrugs and takes a sip of the coffee. “Ouch, hot,” He says and pulls a face.

 

“It's made with boiling water,” Harrison says before he can stop himself.

 

Cisco pouts even more at him. Harrison looks away. This is not his Cisco.

 

“Okay,” Cisco says. “So what do you want to know?”

 

“Who are you?” Harrison asks.

 

“I'm just a dude,” Cisco says. “And I need Cisco's help. All of your help. We all do.”

 

“Please.” Harrison holds up a hand. “Who is we? What kind of help.”

 

“There are five of us,” Cisco explains. “It has to be five people working together. To escape. We are trapped in a really bad place. They have seen it from time to time, your 'Sleepers'. And when it comes to what kind of help. You're already doing it. The trials are helping us get closer to the exit. We just have to go on through one more circle. Or stages, you call them.”

 

Harrison stares at him. He can't believe what he is hearing. “Were you the guy that Cisco imagined talking to?”

 

Cisco snorts. “Yeah, that was me. I mean, Cisco and me have some kind of connection but sometimes words are necessary.”

 

Harrison massages his temples. “I can't believe I'm saying this. So you are like ghosts?”

 

Cisco shrugs. “I don't know. We are just people that got lost. It happens. And if you want to get away from that place you need a body you can hitch a ride with, so to speak.”

 

“You're possessing him?” Harrison asks.

 

“It's a bit more complicated. I would say he is me but I'm not him. I mean I've been there from the start. I've always been a part of him. But I have lived a life before.”

 

“What kind of life?” Harrison asks. He does not if he can believe a word out of Cisco's mouth right now but he is intrigued.

 

“If I could remember. It's been a really long time. I only remember the horrors of that place. I don't even remember my name.” He takes a sip of his coffee and looks out of the window.

 

Harrison thinks again about Caitlin's fear that Cisco's personality is splintering. She did every possible test on him and said it is unlikely. And somewhere in the back of his mind he knows that this is not Cisco experiencing a mental breakdown.

 

“You know,” Cisco starts again but he still does not look at Harrison. “This has happened before. Others have tried to escape over this way. I'd say it's a safe guess that a lot of your depictions of hell come from memories from people like us.” He says with humor but there is pain in his voice, too.

 

“Did anyone else ever make it?” Harrison asks.

 

“I don't know,” Cisco answers. “It's not like they come back to tell the tale.”

 

They sit quietly for a while. Harrison thinks about the implications if everything Cisco is saying is true. Honestly, it is not like common sense holds so much truth nowadays in Harrison's life. He has witnessed so many weird things that he is almost ready to accept that there is more in the world than he thought possible. He gets so lost in his thoughts that it takes him a while to notice Cisco staring at him.

 

“What?” He asks.

 

“I really mean it when I say that Cisco and I are more connected than you might think. I lived his life, experienced his emotions. Fell in love.”

 

The unspoken rest of that sentence hangs in the air between them. Harrison sets his mug down carefully. He does not know what to say. His heart is aching a little because he was pretty sure that Cisco loves him but it is nice to hear it nonetheless. Even in this way.

 

He clears his throat. “If you say it's only one more stage what is going to happen after that?”

 

“I'm not sure,” Cisco says, taking the change of course with grace. “I'll be gone. And with me his abilities. Seeing the future and the past that's a power that originates in _that_ place and I'm his connection to it. Once I'm gone it's going to stop. The nightmares. Everything.”

 

“Why is this happening?” Harrison asks and waves at Cisco's general state. “That you are talking to me right now.”

 

“I guess I'm just getting closer to the surface,” Cisco says and shrugs again. “It's not an exact science, Harry.” The last part sounded so much like the Cisco he knows that it catches Harrison off guard. But Cisco continues without noticing it, “It's not good, that's for sure. If I stay in control for too long, his body is going to die. So, you'll better put me under soon.”

 

It gets darker in the room as a cloud floats in front of the sun. Then rain starts pouring down. Harrison stares at the drops hitting against the window. Rays of sunlight break through the clouds and the green of trees seems even more radiant now.

 

* * *

 

Cisco wakes up feeling disoriented and sick. He looks around panicked. He's supposed to be at Harry's but this definitely isn't Harry's bed. It's the med bay he realizes. Before he can fall into straight up panic, Harry appears at his side, combing a hand through his hair to calm him down.

 

“Hello, there,” He whispers.

 

“Hi,” Cisco says back and has to smile at the softness in Harry's voice. “Why am I here?”

 

“Don't worry about it,” Harry says and leans down to kiss Cisco's forehead. “How are you feeling?”

 

“Alright, I guess,” Cisco says. “Did I loose time again?” The look in Harry's eyes answers his question. “When did you notice?” He asks.

 

Harrison struggles to find words. He closes one hand around Cisco's wrist. “He – You told me. You told me - - a lot of things.”

 

* * *

 

Cisco knows this is the last stage. Knows it because he has told Harry so. Not that he remembers. But there is something in him that knows. Someone if he believes Harry who doesn't quite believe it himself. Except for this feeling that is simmering in the pit of Cisco's stomach, a feeling that pushes him forward, that pushes him deeper into his dreams until he reaches the bottom. When he looks around there is nothing much to see.

 

He realizes that he's not breathing. It doesn't affect him in any way. When he tries to take a breath, his lungs contract painfully. There is nothing here to breathe in. He gets up from the ground where he had woken up. There is rubble under his feet, ash and dirt clinging to his skin. He pats it off from the clothes he has come to associate with his dreamscape. The sky over him is a light blue, the sun on the horizon burning white and deadly. He can feel his skin drying up under its careless touch.

 

He starts walking. For miles there is nothing else: just gray dirt and the blue, blue sky. The sun rises and falls as the day goes on. Later there are ruins. They are better described as ruins of ruins. There is nothing much left, indiscernible shapes of concrete and metal. Clearly human traces. A plastic tarp, color completely bleached away, hanging motionless, no wind to tear at it.

 

He settles under one overhanging structure when the sunlight gets too much. He closes his eyes for a moment; mind blank and muscles aching.

 

“Pretty bleak, isn't it,” A voice next to him says.

 

Cisco opens his eyes quickly. A man sits next to him, nothing much more than a dark silhouette against the setting sun. His face is turned away from Cisco, his neck stretched in a long line, as he surveys their surroundings.

 

“It's you,” Cisco says.

 

The man turns to Cisco. He looks younger than Cisco expected, maybe a couple of years younger than him, with a round face and soft features. His hair falls wildly over his forehead. He smiles. “Yeah, it's me.” His eyes are a piercing gray.

 

“You're real,” Cisco says.

 

“Well, as much as you can call a guy in a dream real,” The man says and laughs. “But then again, right now you're just a guy in a dream, too.”

 

They look back out on the dry landscape. The sunset isn't orange here, it's just the light disappearing.

 

“Damn shame,” The man speaks again.

 

“What?”

 

“That this is how it ends,” He says. He picks up some of the ash from the ground and lets it run through his fingers. “This beautiful planet. But then again: the universe hardly cares about what we think is beautiful. This wasteland seems probably just as well as any jungle or meadow to it.”

 

“How does it happen?” Cisco asks, looking at the ruins of his home. “And when?”

 

The man looks at him for a moment. Then he shrugs. “I don't remember. I knew once. In the beginning we all want to know.” He brushes a strand of hair out of his eyes. “It's intoxicating to have the whole of history under your fingertip. But after a while you realize that it won't ever be enough, that it won't fill you like the limited view of a human life does. So you stop looking.”

 

Cisco goes to sleep that night with thoughts of looming doom.

 

He wakes up under the same uncanny blue sky. He is alone again. He starts walking.

 

The man isn't always there. But from time to time when Cisco turns he is there, walking next to him or sitting on a boulder, swinging his feet and shielding his eyes with his hands.

 

“Do you know where we're going?” Cisco asks at one point.

 

He just shrugs and gestures in no discernible direction.

 

Cisco doesn't get weak, not exactly, but he is still hungry. His stomach growls angrily at him. But there is nothing edible, no plant, no animal, nothing. So he just walks. He sleeps. He starts walking more at night to hide from the burning sun, not that it really damages his skin, not exactly. Also there are still stars. It's comforting, in a way.

 

After two weeks he finds Iris.

 

Her face is gray from the ash as must be his. When she sees him she yelps and pulls him into a hug. They stand like this for a long time.

 

“I've been seeing this woman,” Iris says later that day. “She says she lived in my body for my whole life.”

 

Cisco's throat feels dry and it hurts to speak. “Do you think it's real?”

 

Iris looks exhausted but weirdly serene. “What is real, anyway?”

 

Somewhere in the middle of the second month Cisco gives up counting the days. He almost hopes that if he lets go of time it will finally let them escape. But no luck. They have found Barry at this point. Cisco still sees the man from time to time but the others don't seem to notice him. They don't interact; Cisco doesn't know what he is supposed to say and the man seems content just to follow their group. They are still walking. Cisco knows that this is the only thing they can do. That they have to get somewhere. He doesn't know where it is, only that it will be an exit. For them and for their shadows. He has to trust his instincts.

 

The constant feeling of hunger and thirst doesn't go away. They all sleep restless. Cisco misses home. He misses his friends. He misses Harry. That one wonderful week that they had spent together already feels ages away.

 

Linda and Patty catch up with them when they reach the city. It's been decimated. Burned to the ground. The only indication that people once lived here is that there are more of those ruins, more ash, piled high into gray mountains. Cisco is glad there is no air anymore or the wind would constantly engulf them in an ashy veil. There is nothing to carry noises either or they would have probably heard something before they reached the cliff of the crater.

 

In the middle of the city-that-once-was there is a huge crater. Cisco can barely see the other side. It is deep, ragged edges and more rubble. And from the middle It reaches up. It is buried to its hips in the ground, tall like a skyscraper, reaching up far over the crater. It looks like a man but Cisco knows that It is something else, something monstrous, something carelessly violent. Its grimace looks down on them, deep black eyes, rotten teeth in a big mouth, tongue twisting inside, shaggy hair and rams' horns. The body covered in thick, dirty fur. It stretches its hands out for them but It doesn't reach them.

 

“What the fuck is this?” Cisco gasps.

 

“This is the end,” The man says next to Cisco. He looks stern, his usual smile wiped from his face. “Rest now. You will only come back for one last time. Then it will be done.”

 

“What will happen?” Cisco asks.

 

“You will have to help us get through. Behind this there is only the stream of time. If you are strong enough you might even get a peak before you wake up again.” He puts a hand on Cisco's shoulder. “Don't worry, friend. We made it this far. It won't be able to stop us.”

 

His grin is that of a warrior, bloody and victorious.

 

* * *

 

Cisco comes to and sucks in a deep breath. The sensation is so strange to him by now. He is awake he realizes. He sits up, looking down on his body, on his clean hands. The exhaustion is still clinging to his bones but it's just an echo.

 

He looks over to where Linda is waking up. Her eyes are wide and they look at each other for a moment, both sharing the same disbelieve. The sleep lab around them, the usual bustle of a morning after a trial, people walking around, chatting casually. It feels like revisiting a long forgotten dream.

 

Cisco looks around until he spots Harry, standing at the side and talking to Caitlin. He almost stumbles rushing over, trying to wrap them both in a hug.

 

“Morning, sunshine,” Harry laughs, while Caitlin flails and drops the folder she was holding.

 

Cisco just presses them closer and breathes.

 

“Are you okay?” Caitlin asks, brushing her hand over his back.

 

“Yeah,” Cisco says, “Yeah, now I am.”

 


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for body horror, and the concepts of life and death?
> 
> “The place,  
> Where thou hast need to arm thy heart with strength.”

After waking up from a night that had stretched on for months Cisco feels so out of place walking through the halls of the sleep lab, like he needs to get used to himself again, remember the problems of his ordinary life. One of those problems is walking towards him right now.

 

Hartley isn't really a problem. Cisco feels more like he is the problem here. He has dodged Hartley as much as he could since he found out that he had probably broken his heart real good while they were in uni. Cisco feels like such an ass, honestly, and it's even more unfair that he knows now but Hartley doesn't know that he knows but he doesn't want to start a conversation either and make a thing out of it if Hartley is already over it. To summarizes, he has no fucking clue how to act around Hartley anymore.

 

Hartley is staring at his phone and hasn't noticed him yet, and Cisco almost ducks into the staff room but then he thinks about how he is an adult and Hartley one of his best friends and he gets a grip on himself. He thinks about the warm, fuzzy colors that Hartley's memories were tinted in and he has to smile.

 

“Hey,” He says and Hartley looks up from his phone.

 

“Cisco,” He says. “You look like shit.”

 

“Ah.” Cisco closes his eyes for a moment. “Thank you.”

 

Hartley looks irritated for a moment but then shakes his head and walks on. “Had a good trial?” He calls over his shoulder.

 

“I'd tell you if you have the time,” Cisco says, catching up with him.

 

“I wish you would,” Hartley replies.

 

* * *

 

It is a bit of a production, after all it is the last trial if they believe the man that lives inside of Cisco. So everyone is there looking a bit worried, a bit excited, a bit unsure of the future. Hartley has stressed so much, about everything of course, but especially about Cisco telling them that they might catch a glimpse of the stream of time. He tells the Sleepers over and over that they should think wisely about what the choose to see if they get control over it. He does not suggest them anything, leaving the decision up to the Sleepers, and Harrison realizes that Hartley might actually be the right person to lead this experiment.

 

Harrison is on his way to the main room of the sleep lab when Cisco catches him and pulls him into an empty conference room. It's not Cisco. Harrison still feels a chill run down his spine but this other person does not scare him so much anymore.

 

“What will happen to you after tonight?” Harrison asks him.

 

Cisco shrugs. “Maybe I'll just die.” And it almost sounds hopeful.

 

Harrison thinks about what not Cisco had said last time they had talked. He brushes the hair out of his face, Cisco's beautiful face and kisses him gently. Cisco clings to him for a moment, fingers digging into Harrison's arms. Harrison realizes that he might be scared of what he is facing. Then Cisco lets go and steps back with an almost bashful smile.

 

“Let's do this,” He says.

 

They walk together to the main room. Everyone is already there, the Sleepers getting ready for the trial. Out of the corner of his eye Harrison catches a glimpse of Linda and Patty talking privately in the back of the room. He turns away with a smile when they fall into each others arms.

 

Cisco hugs Caitlin and Hartley. Harrison is not sure if they realize it is not really him. He steps to the side of the pod when Cisco lies down. Cisco smiles up at him and squeezes his hand.

 

“Farewell Harrison,” He says and closes his eyes. As the machines around him come to life his hand goes limp in Harrison's, the induced sleep pulling him under.

 

* * *

 

They are back at the cliff of the crater. The monster in the middle still monstrous. Cisco turns to himself and asks, “What do we have to do?” Everyone else turns to Cisco, eight pairs of eyes asking the same question. “What do we have to do?” Cisco just shakes his head, twice. Shakes his head. Watches himself shake his head. Everything double now. A part of him knows what to do. A part of him is already gripping the sword tightly, knuckles turning white. A part of him will lead them into battle, war cries ripping from his mouth, tearing into flesh until the blood comes flooding out, hot and red, like a spring.

 

The other part will fight, too. Just not here.

 

“What do we have to do?” Iris asks him. The five of them are in a dimly lit corridor. It's shaking; matter bending around them like it is going to break apart.

 

“What you do best,” Cisco says as he looks at each of them. “Survive.”

 

There are five doors. Each one of them enters one.

 

It's a dark room. And behind that another dark room. You get the idea. A series of dark rooms. The paper coming from the walls under your fingers. The relief of brushing against a light switch with your fingers. The crushing feeling when nothing happens. Another door, another room, another series of elongated emptiness. You're not even sure if you want the lights to work, not sure if you could bear to look at that nothingness. Just empty rooms. What about the person walking through these rooms? _What about them?_ You shift from one foot to the other. You turn so often you don't remember from where you were coming. You walk. What would you do if you'd stumble over something in the darkness? Would you kneel down and find out what it is? Would you run? _What if these rooms aren't dark, but you can't see anymore?_ You have gone blind. Or you just closed your eyes and forgotten to open them again. You raise your hands to your eyes to pry your eyelids open. They are open. Your fingers slip past them into the empty sockets, gaping holes in your head. Your mouth another gaping hole.

 

Your body is a betrayal. Your body is other. Your body doesn't belong to you anymore. _Has it ever?_ You are outside of your body, looking inside and there is nothing. You are so tired, but maybe that's only your body, pulling you down like always, a slave to gravity. You're outside looking at a body and you can't remember if it is yours. Nothing about this body makes you think _mine_. Nothing about this body makes you feel safe or at home. You're inside a body and it's not a cage, it's a rope around your neck. You are a body and nothing else. You are an empty body. You want to be possessed. You are just a body, hands digging into dirt, always dirt, always the ground right there under your face. The body as a question mark. The body as a word, four letters spelling pain. The body choking on itself. _Your body is killing you._ Every day your body dies a bit more. Every day your body is a betrayal. This cannot be how this was supposed to play out.

 

You think you are smarter than this. _You think you are smarter than this?_ You think that maybe there is a way out of this. _Out of what?_ The misery. ------ No answer. Maybe laughter. Maybe crying. Who can tell those apart anyway. Then there is only static. What is that voice you keep hearing? _Yeah, what is that voice?_ Shut up. No, don't. Keep talking. There is no one else here. --------- Silence. Please. Come back. Say something. Anything. --------- I don't know what to do. Please. You have to tell me. --------- Please, I'm begging you. I'm so alone and I can't feel anything. I just want to feel something. Talk to someone. Hear another voice besides mine echoing back at me. ----------- Please. ---------- …. --------------- …..................plea-se....---------------- _Are you crying?_ Yes. Don't leave again. _I'm here._ I'm sorry. I was so alone. _You don't have to be._ What? _Sorry. Alone._ Show me how.

 

You're in a bar with strangers. The strangers wear the faces of your friends. Your friends wear the faces of strangers. You wear your face but it doesn't fit well. You look through the cut outs and realize that everyone sees that you are wearing an ill-fitting mask. _You're not alone anymore._ That's not what I meant. Everyone is looking at you now. They all look at you but they don't see you. Only the mask and they don't like it. _What about now?_ You're in a bed with someone you love. You're not wearing the mask anymore. And they look at you and smile and press their hands into your chest and bring them back out full of red, gooey flesh. They tell you they love you and break off one of your ribs after the other. They see you and they love what they see. Now you are pulling out your teeth and spill them into their hands. You want to give yourself to them, too. But then you are still bleeding out and you can't ask them to call an ambulance because you have ripped out your tongue as well. This all belongs to you now, you say. You regret nothing more. You'd do it again in a matter of seconds. _What about now? What about now? What about now?_ What about now?

 

_What if you could go back and fix one mistake?_ I don't understand what you mean. _What if you had the chance to do something different, make a different choice, turn right instead of left?_ What then? I'd still end up here. Maybe not right here on this spot, but still here. I'd still hurt. I'd still be happy. Still don't pay attention when it counts. Still run when I should stop and wait. Still make a home out of people. I'd still breathe the same air or maybe I wouldn't breathe at all and after all that would be a shame. _Do you really think that?_ Most days. _That's something._ I know. So I wouldn't change anything.

 

\------------------------------------------.

 

You don't have anything to say to that?

 

_What am I supposed to say?_

 

I don't know. Well done, maybe.

 

_Well done._

 

I don't believe you.

 

_Does it matter?_

 

I suppose not.

 

_\- - -_

 

And now? -------- Hey, are you still there? _Yes._ So, what now? _I don't know. Think of something._ \-------- Are you still there? _Yes._ I'm sorry. _Don't be._ I'm leaving now. _I know._ Goodbye. _Bye._ \------- I'm leaving. _You're still here._ I know. Goodbye. ----- _Bye._

 

* * *

 

Cisco Ramon wakes up.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comes out of the woodwork to bring you this. the next chapter will be an epilogue.


	33. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Thence issuing we again beheld the stars.”

It's not like he feels more empty now. He's not sure if anything has changed, really. Of course the nightmares have stopped. And the visions, too. They tried, of course. Slept in those pods, night after night, but the sure feeling of _this is the future_ never came back. So they stopped.

 

But Cisco can't quite tell if this person inside of him is gone. He doesn't talk to him anymore, that's for sure. He asks Harry, over and over again, have I changed? Am I different? Am I less? Harry says, no. Harry says, no, and kisses him, and tells him he is still the person he fell in love with. In the way one stays the same person over all those years, which is to say not at all.

 

Cisco is happy. Which often feels strange, still, but he is so deeply happy, that has nothing to do with momentary euphoria, it's something that has settled deep inside his bones, a safety that comes just from knowing that Harry loves him, and is there for him, every morning, every day, every night. At one point he realizes he is settling, a thing he never could imagine. But he loves this house, this city, this job, he loves Harry. And it feels right. His brother becomes a father and they go over for dinner, Harry helping Maria set the table in the garden while Cisco and Dante talk about parenthood. Harry fits into his family somehow which is weird, and Cisco fits into his family which is even weirder. Dante tells him that he should become a father, too, that he would be a good one, and Cisco can't quite believe that he is at that point in his life.

 

The trials shrink back in his memories, sometimes he hears from Hartley who has barricaded himself in his house to go through the material, and they meet up with Caitlin and Harry and discuss what and how they should publish it, if they should publish it at all. Hartley looks as overworked and obsessed as ever, telling them about a different gig in Bangkok that he'll start in a few months, another crazy project, and he looks somewhat content, too. Caitlin is basically glowing, Cisco sees it every day at work, she and Ronnie seem to be going for the long stretch and Cisco is truly happy for them. He even makes some effort to get to know Ronnie. They do hit off eventually, when they discover their mutual likes for weird engineering projects and Cisco and Harry have a fight that turns from playful to kind of serious when Cisco suggest that Ronnie should quit at STAR Labs and come working for him.

 

Sometimes Cisco misses the adventure, misses the excitement, misses the dreams. That's when he meets up with the other Sleepers. (Their group chat still has that name.) Iris is dating Eddie, the detective, and everyone thinks it's very funny. Even Barry. Still, they day they find out about it Cisco stands in front of Barry's apartment with a six-pack of beer and they watch movies until they fall asleep on each other. Patty and Linda finally got their shit together, not that Cisco can judge them for taking their time, after all he is the master of prolonging the foreplay of a relationship, and they turn out to be the most chill type of couple, the type you can hang out with without it getting awkward, or them leaving after an hour. Cisco is painfully aware that Harry and he are most definitely not that type of couple. They tend to forget that there are other people around them too often when they are in public.

 

He meets with Hartley shortly before he leaves for Bangkok and they sit on the balcony of Hartley's house and talk. Cisco sees the questions in Hartley's eyes but he doesn't ask them anymore. The Sleepers had tried to talk about that last night, but if there is a language to describe what happened to them, it hasn't been invented yet. Cisco had told Hartley back then that he went through his blackest night, the culmination of every bit of darkness in his life. When asked about the stream of time he had to shrug helpless. He remembers being there, or being _somewhere_ at least. And he remembers seeing. Knowing. But he can't get a grip on what exactly. Iris says she saw a sunny day at the beach she remembers from her childhood, playing in the sand, building sandcastles with Barry. Linda says she saw a big mountain, an avalanche tumbling downwards. But those are just pictures, out of context, without meaning, or too much meaning. So Hartley quit at some point and stopped asking questions. All Cisco can do is hug him tight and wish him a good journey.

 

It's spring break and Cisco lying in Harry's bed which has become their bed while Harry is in the shower when someone opens the door. Cisco is still drifting somewhere at the edge of sleep and doesn't realize what is going on until he hears a voice yelling through the house.

 

“I'm hooooome!” There is the sound of the door shutting again. Movement. Maybe a suitcase over the floor. “Are you still sleeping?”

 

A young woman enters the bedroom, and Cisco is conscious enough to make sure the blanket covers everything of him.

 

“Oh,” Jesse, Harry's daughter, says as she sees him. “Not dad.”

 

“Uh, hi,” Cisco says and tries on a smile.

 

“I'm, um, just gonna wait out there, I think,” Jesse says and walks out of the room again.

 

Cisco sinks back with a sigh. He met Jesse before, one time in passing. She had been a small girl back then, clinging to Harry's hand who had looked so uncomfortable about the whole situation. Cisco gets up and goes to tell Harry the news, slips into the shower to him and slides his arms around him from behind.

 

“Morning,” Harry says.

 

“Your daughter is here,” Cisco says. He can feel Harry freeze up. He presses a kiss to Harry's back and murmurs, “It's gonna be alright,” even though he is not so sure himself.

 

Until it's time to walk out in the living area to Jesse Cisco has almost convinced himself that this is going to go great. He is at least wearing one-hundred percent more clothes than before which is a good start. Harry looks like he is about to throw up.

 

Jesse stands up from the couch when they come in. Cisco really looks at her for the first time. She looks so grown up, a fact that he was aware of in the back of his mind but he she had still remained a _girl_ in his head. But she is unmistakeably a woman when she stands before them now, looking no bit as nervous as Cisco feels.

 

“Hi, dad. I thought I'd surprise you,” She says, and she achieves to sound just as casually angry as her father can be. “Didn't know you had planned a surprise of your own.”

 

Judging by Harry's look Cisco should take over the reign of the conversation. “I'm Cisco,” He says, not sure if he should give her his hand or if that would be too formal. He settles on doing nothing, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants.

 

“You're Cisco Ramon from Ramon Enterprises, right?” Jesse says. “I knew my dad worked with you but apparently wasn't aware how closely.” She shoots another glare at Harry.

 

“Does anyone want coffee?” Cisco says. “I think I'll make us some coffee.”

 

Jesse has already shifted her focus back to Harry, like a hawk closing in on its prey, and Cisco walks over to the kitchen isle. He wishes he could hide somewhere but the open layout of the house makes it impossible. He turns his back to Harry and Jesse but he still hears their voices. He doesn't know what he expected. He knows that they don't have the most familiar relationship with each other and Cisco suspects if they ever started there would be a lot of hidden resentment to unpack. But ultimately it always seemed like the liked each other.

 

“You could have told me,” He hears Jesse says and it sounds softer.

 

“I didn't know - - how you would react,” Harry speaks finally, and it hurts to hear Harry sound so – small.

 

“Come on, dad,” Jesse says. “You really think I would mind?”

 

“No,” Harry says, “No, I'm sorry.”

 

“I'm not upset about -” Jesse leaves a pause but Cisco is aware she is probably looking at him. “I'm upset that you didn't trust me enough to tell me.”

 

Cisco relaxes gradually. This is doable. They can handle this.

 

“Okay,” Harry says. “I understand.”

 

Cisco hears Jesse move and he turns around in time to see her lean against the kitchen isle. She is smiling now.

 

“I think we can agree that this is all his fault,” She says, and rolls her eyes towards Harry. “Let's just – start from the beginning. I'm Jesse. Nice to meet you.”

 

“Absolutely,” Cisco says with a relieved sigh. “Nice to meet you.”

 

Harry groans and sinks down on the couch.

 

Jesse stays for a few days and it turns from awkward to surprisingly pleasant. It's not like she and Cisco instantly become friends or that the years of baggage suddenly disappear between her and Harry. But everyone is in a good mood, treads lightly on heavy topics and Cisco and Harry make sure Jesse doesn't walk in on anything inappropriate.

 

It's a warm spring, the three of them sitting on the patio of an ice cream shop, and Cisco thinks that it's almost a year since the end of the trials now. Sometimes he still feels it in his bones, the terror, the wonder, like it made itself a home inside of him, the last reminder that he used to be something _more_.

 

He also thinks about getting lost, about people disappearing into a place that is horrible and inescapable, how that can just happen. How there is so much more under the veneer of this reality. He wonders what happened to him, that person he had shared his life with before, and if he is better now, at peace.

 

Harry takes his hand and looks at him like he knows what Cisco is thinking about, and maybe he does. He pulls Cisco's hand to his lips and presses a kiss on the back. Cisco smiles at him. He has to remind himself that they're not alone here, that Jesse is sitting next to him or he'd show Harry exactly how much he appreciates having him be there for him.

 

He looks over at Jesse and she busies herself with her ice cream.

 

“Maybe next time I'll visit,” She says, still staring into her ice cream like it's the most interesting thing on the planet, “I can bring my girlfriend.”

 

Cisco starts laughing and doesn't stop until his sides hurt. Harry looks like he has bitten into a lemon.

 

The night after Jesse leaves Cisco and Harry climb on the roof of the house. The sky is clear and thousands of stars dot the black space. Harry brushes his nose along Cisco's neck and whispers things into his ear that make him shiver.

 

It reminds him of a night, many years ago, that first endless summer where Harry had kissed him breathless up here, pressing him with his back to the ground, until all Cisco could think and feel and taste and see was Harry.

 

“Promise me one thing,” Harry had whispered back then.

 

And Cisco had thought, yes, anything. Tonight I'd promise you anything you want.

 

“Don't ever waste yourself,” Harry had said, and Cisco hadn't really understood how Harry could sound so reverent, what he saw in Cisco that made him say something like that, but he had said, yes, had said, I promise, and Harry had kissed him again and again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“And indeed there will be time

For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,

Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;

There will be time, there will be time

To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;

There will be time to murder and create,

And time for all the works and days of hands

That lift and drop a question on your plate;

_Time for you and time for me,_

_And time yet for a hundred indecisions,_

_And for a hundred visions and revisions,_

Before the taking of a toast and tea.

[...]

For I have known them all already, known them all:

Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,

I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;

I know the voices dying with a dying fall

Beneath the music from a farther room.

So how should I presume?

 

And I have known the eyes already, known them all—

The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,

And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,

When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,

Then how should I begin

To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways?

And how should I presume

[...]

And would it have been worth it, after all,

After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,

Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,

Would it have been worth while,

To have bitten off the matter with a smile,

To have squeezed the universe into a ball

To roll it towards some overwhelming question,

_To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,_

_Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”—“_

 

The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock - T. S. Eliot

 

 

The End.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't even know where to begin. thank you so much to everyone who sticked around until the end - especially you who commented again and again. it's been a pleasure to hear your thoughts and i don't know if i could have finished this story without you.  
> Now to my muses; i'd like to thank dante alighieri, my italian homeboy who wrote bible self-insert fanfic so i think it's safe to assume he would approve of me mixing up his story in mine. all quotes in the notes are from his Inferno. now to people who are still alive: i was heavily inspired (subconsciously as i had to realize at some point) by [this story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6036631/chapters/13842241) which is fantastic and so much more subtle and delicate and you should all read it if you haven't already.  
> it's been an emotional ride to write this story, and even if i'm not happy with many things, i'm still very much in love with it. Thank you for sitting through ridiculous POV changes, so much skimming of place description and bad pacing. but i had a lot of fun with it and i hope so did you!  
> edit: bc i'm not yet ready to leave this universe behind there is an [inofficial sequel](http://archiveofourown.org/series/719808) now. so if you think cisco and harry should totally take pity on hartley and seduce him - check it out. if not feel free to ignore it.


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